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Literally all I do is work. All day and all night. Week after week. It keeps my mind occupied and occasionally results in social contact but I can't help but wonder...is it all worth it? Why am I doing this?
Up until this point, I've only been friendly with people that I've known for a while and the occasional stranger who only needs a quick answer to a question. I suppose my problem was that I had to be convinced that I wouldn't just be rebuffed and look ridiculous. But I think it's time to change. It doesn't matter that someone might be housing some disdain or dislike for me. It doesn't matter that he might think that I am a loser. Regardless of how anxious he makes me feel, he is entitled to my friendliness. Friend until proven otherwise. It's a universal right damnit. So from now on I will try to at least say hello to people even though they might dislike or not even remember me. All will be ok.
So I 'made it' through the first meeting on my new project team (offroad car this time). When the team leaders introduced I think I experienced my first documented case of selective mutism. I just pretended to look at the team members and there was awkward silence. I guess I was supposed to say hello or something. Oh well. I'm not a masochist but I think I'll have to learn to be one if I am to at some point get on with these guys. They are all well-adjusted, outgoing people...hopefully by spending more time with them I can be more like them... I already want them to hit me again...hit me with their derision and ridicule. The first hit is always the hardest...I will take it and get through this. End.
That anxiety limits my productivity because I'm afraid to: 1) Screw up 2) Fail 3) Look foolish 4) Look stupid 5) Realize that I'm stupid
For the past few nights I've been tossing and turning, unable to sleep because IT is finally hitting me. Of course, that IT is the sheer enormity of what I've missed in the past three years at my school. There's so much that I haven't learned and experienced because of my anxiety. And to think I didn't even realize until about nine months ago that it was anxiety that has been impeding my growth. I definitely regret not tackling my anxiety but then again I've never been in touch with myself. I overheard some people in class today talking about how they would be taking shots during the presidential debates everytime they were to hear 'change' and I wanted so badly to join them. It sounded like so much fun! There are moments like the one mentioned above when I'm just brimming with enthusiasm but there are still those times when I can overcome by anxiety and must retreat. Today I was singled out in one of my classes; the professor wanted to get more involvement from the class and, knowing of my experience with the subject matter, called on me to fill in some blanks. I was completely dumbfounded and looked like a complete idiot when I couldn't answer his questions. He was as surprised as I was that I didn't have an answer. I've spent much of the day from that point till now hiding in my room trying to escape from my own embarrassment and shame. It's sad that I am my own worst enemy and that I keep myself from loving and living. Oh well, today's just another day.
I like talking to people but I get anxious when they mention something with which I'm not familiar. Or when I think they see me as inadequate, lame, or stupid. That is the nature of my social anxiety and that is what I'll be working on with a great counselor named Bob from the mean streets of DC.
By now you've realized that I'm different. Something's off. I don't talk much. I fidget. I sweat. And of course you don't have friends or a life. You might be searching for something to describe it so you can ask me about it. Well, I think the term you're looking for is social anxiety. S-O-C-I-A-L A-N-X-I-E-T-Y I completely agree wiht you that it's sad. Life is such a wonderful thing and yet I can't be apart of it. But I should have you know that I am not a complete loser. I do what I can. I get up every day and do my best at one of the best schools in the country and the world. I am a joint team leader on a distinguished project team. And I no longer try to draw sympathy by acting wounded and all that bullshit. So surely there is something to respect. Now $&#^% off and leave me alone and stop laughing at me please, mkayy. Thanks.
My coworkers went out for lunch without me today. That's sort of what happens when you're not friendly.
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