OK, well, I can't stop thinking about this ever since I talked to my brother last night... so I'll write about it. I apologize for the length and density of this blog...

Since I was about 17, I've been sort of obsessed with temperaments, personalities, and trying to get better at figuring people out... being able to categorize them, basically. How long do I have to know someone before I can "peg" them?

I've taken the Jung-Keirsey temperament tests, of which there are several variations floating around on the Internet. I've always come out as INFJ... introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging. So yesterday, my brother Nate started talking about how he and his wife are different in that she is much more emotionally charged than he is... he is more logical... and how well they balance each other out in that respect. He can calm her down when she's upset, and she can show him positive, feel-good sides to things that he might not have thought about (in his words).

My parents and oldest brother have all taken this test, but I've just tried to guess what Nate is... and I guessed wrong! He's never been interested in psychology like I am. But after we talked last night, I made him take the test. He took the one on blogthings. As we went through the questions together, I came to realize he really is more of a "thinker" than a "feeler", more logically-driven than I am. This was something I never pegged him as, b/c the fact is, he's so conscientious and always has been very concerned with right/wrong, and being a good person. He'd never hurt a fly... but now that I think of it he did used to cook ants alive w/ magnifiying glass as a kid (hmmm...). Anyway, he's very generous, good-natured, and I've never seen him do anything intentionally mean or cruel to anyone... never manipulative, never controlling. For some reason, I've always sort of been intimidated and afraid of the "T" people, like they have some "badass" power I don't possess, that they could care less what I think of them and are judging me coming from a higher place... I guess I've always viewed my feelings and emotions as a weakness. But see, I've always been the smart little sister... like Lisa Simpson. lol Nate has come to me so many times asking me how to spell something, or 'does this sound right?', or what do I think about this or that... truly asking me to help him figure something out. And I am more dominant than he is. He is very laid back. Why did I associate someone who's more logical as opposed to emotional with being brash, dominant, sharp-tongued... even mean? If it were between the two of us, I'd more likely be those things than him... which frankly scares me a little, that I am sort of volatile like that... He's even better with kids than me! The way he got to know and fall in love his wife is really sweet... She was my best friend as a teen, and she got really sick and had surgery. He really seemed to care about the fact that all her other friends had pretty much abandoned her after she got sick, and he didn't think that was right. So he went to visit her with me, they became friends,  eventually dated, and got married.

So, OK, I was wrong about him being the emotional type... but what I never expected is that, according to the test, he's not even an S (sensory type). He's an N, like me... intuitive/abstract type. Fact is, he's always bringing up hypothetical questions, asking me what I think about stuff, making up jokes... last night we talked for an hour or two just about physics... the speed of light, warp drive, time travel, black holes, photons, and Star Trek... it started b/c he was reading an article in Popular Science, and we just started talking about all the different theories and possibilities until it escalated into googling and wiki.  And then he started talking about spiritual and religious stuff, about spirits and God and immortality. I mean, whoa... that's as abstract as you can get. And it's kinda funny, b/c he was never into sitting and reading or being very scholarly... that was me, I liked sitting in my room by myself reading a book as a kid. He never understood why I didn't want to come out and do other stuff. lol He's not absorbed in his own little world the way I am.

He's really an anomaly to me now. I'm sort of lost... I mean, I know who my brother is... he's my best friend. We can talk for hours, and we always make each other laugh. That's not to say he can't be a butt. lol But when I tried to categorize him within the confines of a temperamental assay of 16 different types, I had him all wrong. My confidence in my ability to figure people out, to "peg" them, is gone. And now I realize I was seeing my brother the way I wanted to see him... through a lens that was colored with my misapplication of someone's else's philosophical/psychological reasonings. In other words, kind of skewed. lol

My brother asked me last night, what is the purpose of these tests? What do you get out of it? I told, him, IDK, but that's what I've been trying to figure out. I am starting to see the relevance of these tests diminishing for me. What's maybe more important is just how someone treats you, how you get along as individuals, how they make you feel (that coming from my "Feeler" perspective of course).

Tags: Temperament Type Personality Test

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I think I've been spending way too much time by myself, yet it feels like that's all I want to do. My thoughts about life and the world are getting jumbled and confused. This site is the biggest outlet for communication I have, but I wish it could be only secondary. Family and friends IRL should come first. Seems like that would be much healthier. It's just easier this way, to spend hours alone every day/night in my room typing out messages and thoughts to people, people I've never met. It's just easier.

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I'm not feeling so great the last couple days. Mentally, OK. But physically... yesterday had continual diarrhea all day and felt extremely tired, so just lay down most of the day. Last night my clock stopped working, so when I woke up today it said 4:00, so I kinda freaked out. Jumped out of bed too fast, then leaned over to grab my cell phone out of my purse to check the time, and passed out. Apparently, I hit my keyboard, which banged into the wall so hard that it knocked a picture off. Scared my little bird Amos to pieces, he got freaked out. So I sat there on the floor for a few minutes. At first I was really scared b/c I didn't know how I got there, didn't realize I fell. I thought I'd had a memory lapse or something. It was just like, hey I'm on the floor... how did I get here? Then the dizziness came to me and I got real nauseus and started moaning and mumbling to myself something I can't remember. I feel like I've had a racing heart all day and shallow breathing, but I don't feel like it's due to anxiety. I took my resting heart rate at 96 bpm, which is a little higher than it should be, but nothing dangerous I don't think. And I still feel light headed, like if I get up too quick I could pass out again. IDK what's going on. I've been drinking PowerAde in case my electrolytes are off, but don't feel any different. I tried to call the Dr's office to make an appt., but couldn't get a hold of anyone. So I'm going to try and get a little work done now and hope for the best!

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I'm feeling so lonely this evening. Just over here working by myself, listening to Harry Connick Jr. That's kind of a setup for feeling lonely, isn't it? Maybe I should put on some different music...

It seems like we all have our problems, everyone I know. I'm working after hours at the shop tonight, and my dad just came in to check up on us (me and my bro). Well, my bro went home earlier and left me to do the work that has to be done by tomorrow morning. Honestly, it's just enough that I can handle it, I'll be able to get it done. He just wanted to go home and sleep I think. Which is fine, he has a sleep disorder, so if he needs sleep, he should just go home. But my stomach is upset again, and my back is killing me. But at least I'm alone and can work at peace, without the anxiety and self-consciousness that I had to work thru earlier today. I just feel so sad.

This day has been a really hard one for me. But I can see how hard these days are for my parents. Their business is flailing, just barely hanging on. They work hard. They can be around people and not freak out and not start crying when it gets to be too much, unlike me. And when they come home at the end of the day, they're talking and laughing and seem relatively happy, usually. They basically go home, talk to each other about the problems of the day and have a couple drinks, then have dinner and watch tv or a movie. Sometimes my mom will go play a computer game and my dad will go listen to a stock market program CD or something. They cope better with stress than I do, I guess. I will go home, take a pill, and lay in bed for the rest of the night, after a stressful day. (Just picture me in the fetal position, staring off into space... that's about it.)

But tonight my dad just seemed... saddened. He has lots of worries, I guess.

My brother and his wife both have health problems, and my dad supports them, partially. I have my problems, with this SA, and my dad now supports me, as of a month and a half ago. Other than worrying about our welfare, he's waist-deep in financial and business problems... surviving, but just sort of stuck where he's at. He's 62, and he and my mom have no retirement savings at all. Just back taxes and a bunch of business debt they owe. I am not always there to help out at the business when he needs me to. I just don't make myself available. I avoid this shop as long as I can, and then when I do get here, I'm riddled with guilt about not toughening up and sticking it out, to be able to help them more in these difficult times. This shop is the least comfortable environment I can think of. It's basically the last place I ever want to be. I have panic attacks sometimes, and feel like dying would be a better alternative to coming back the next day. But I've got a penchant for getting worked up over things in my mind. Everyone here is really nice! It's just that in my head... I'm a loser, a shameful, stuck-up deadbeat and everyone knows it. I hold every wrong move I've ever made in this place against myself and imagine that the archives are being displayed on my forehead for everyone to see. But I've got to get past those thoughts and help out more!

Still, I feel like I'm holding a grudge against my dad, and have been for many, many years. Every time he talks to me, it's like he never says the right thing (whatever that might be). That's just what it always feels like. In my eyes, he seems ignorant of my feelings, patronizing, like he's playing a part, trying to manipulate me to get a desired response...instead of trying to talk to me and listen to me and be real and honest with me. I've felt like that my entire life. But if I do ever want to talk about something important to me, he's been there for me. Just doesn't seem to change much between us. I know he cares a great deal for me. I just get angry with him when he will see me and immediately start in on 'work' stuff, or stock market stuff, or whatever else he has on his mind. I just stay silent and listen to him go on, usually, getting angrier and angrier by the minute, until I can finally dismiss myself from his 'lecture'. Of course, there's the obligatory, 'Hey, how's it going?' upon first glance of the day, to which I usually give a one-word, casual greeting response (or the other way around). So I'm partly to blame for the lack of communication between us. But I can even find a way to blame that on him... he never taught me how to talk to people, how to talk to him. Hmp. Why do I hold this grudge and what can I do about it? He is a really good man, very caring, very loyal and dedicated to his family. I am the asshole daughter. If I should be holding a grudge against anyone, it should be ME... well, I guess I probably am actually.

Alright, so reasonably, I should let all grudges go, right? Stop blaming myself, stop blaming him... How the heck do I do that? I feel like I am restraining myself from showing much affection to my dad, to anyone really. That's no way to be. He might not be around all that much longer. I know that if I ever lost my dad, I'd be completely devastated. So what the heck is wrong with me? How do I let go of the anger? I want to so badly. Have you ever felt so angry at your parent?... and it feels so wrong, but you can't let it go?

My dad is great, honestly. He's one of the good ones. And I am no longer a child either... Time to grow up, let that poo go. I hate guilt and blame. They are evil, evil kin. They have lived inside me for too long... I want my dad to be happy. I want myself to be happy. I want everyone in my family to be happy. Period. I know my dad feels the same way.

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I just sorta realized that for me to be able to succeed at a job (meaning be able to hold one, period), I need a position where I am not constantly visible. If I could just sit in a room alone for 3/4 of the day *sigh*, I'd be very capable, I think. Where can I find a job like that? I wouldn't even mind giving presentations or speaking formally in front of people once in a while... it's just that when I'm in a room with other people, working... I cannot stop thinking about every single flaw that any one person in the room might at any moment in time see in me (whether actual or misrepresented b/c of my anxiety). Whew... I guess that's SA for ya. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

But I do know I was not always like this, and I know others have been here before and gotten better. So I have hope. And I'm starting to change my dietary habits to be healthier. I'm reading a book about balancing the pH of your body, and how that will give the body better immunity and leave it less apt to be ravished by whatever toxins it comes in contact with (which supposedly does have an effect on your mentality). So I'm going to do a parasite cleanse (ick, I know- but if it's in there I want it out). My dad said he found what looked like an intestinal worm crawling on the bathroom floor last week... it had to come from one of us. I did go on a cruise a few years ago... and my digestion is horrible. I've been having pains in my abdomen. So I'm starting to eat more alkalizing foods (like green veggies, nuts, some fruits) rather than acidifying foods (less animal protein and highly processed foods), and even taking wheatgrass tablets. So I'm hoping I'll also lose weight in the process, and that this protruding, bloated sac of who-knows-what around my midsection (sorry if I'm grossing anybody out) and the pains, will go away.

I'm also sort of holding the belief that I have caused all my problems due to my not taking good enough care of myself. I've never been the type to get sick growing up... always had a good immune system, didn't get infections often, never had a serious illness or had to go to the hospital for anything, never even had so much as a cavity in all my life. So here I am struggling with this SA and inability to function... and I feel like it must be the result of every bad dietary choice and idle hour spent sitting on my butt that have come to fruition in this illness. And I do see it as an illness. This is not normal, I can't function right. I may have always been a shy person, but it shouldn't stop me from going to the grocery when I'm out of food, or make me quit a job, or flunk out of classes that I've paid a lot of money to take. And every failed endeavor has caused me to question myself, the very core of who I am. So now I'm thinking, what is causing me all these problems? It's not a personality flaw, it's an illness. And I'm just focusing on trying to get better now. I had sort of given up for a while. So this is a step in the right direction for me. I'm scared and excited to see what happens when I really do everything in my power to achieve good health and take care of my body.

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Y'know, I been watching makeover shows on cable... there's What Not to Wear, and another called 10 Years Younger... where they pick people who've just let themselves go to the point where they look older than they actually are, and frumpy. That's how I feel about my entire self... not necessarily older per se, just that I haven't taken care of myself in general, and I feel kind of frumpy in every way. A lot of people on the shows said that the reason they wore unflattering clothes and didn't take care of their appearance was b/c there were things they were unhappy with about their bodies, so they used baggy clothes and passed up on any kind of style as a way of hiding themselves. But they really couldn't hide, b/c everyone around them still saw them, only an unkempt, unflattering version of them.

So it just got me to thinking that people who have SA, we are kind of the same. There are things we are unhappy with about ourselves, inner insecurities. So we "let ourselves go", so to speak. Maybe use not talking (or whatever other avoidance instruments we use) as like a sort of baggy clothing, something to cover us up so people can't see all our flaws. But it doesn't really work. They still see us, and we are not putting a truthful representation forward either. Because we have so much to offer that others can't see when we hide ourselves from them. And then we start to forget what our strengths are, and see in ourselves only what we put out there for others to see. We imagine all we are is what others see of us. Its a shame. Because we just feel worse and worse about ourselves as time goes on. We forget who we really are, if we ever really saw it in the first place. We are wonderful people, with great potential. We just need to find what our most attractive qualities are, and try to find ways to let those shine. Accentuate our positives so others can see them too. Then maybe we won't be able to forget who we are, underneath all the layers we use to try to hide ourselves... silence, avoidance, and plaintive looks.

So anyway, that's just what I've been thinking about today. It's just a little bit of idealist monologue, and I've yet to translate it into any kind of action... But I did apply for a couple jobs today, and went and bought some non-frumpy new clothes... which is a start.

Tags: Makeover

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Why is it so freakin hard to be the person that you want to be? I'm not sure how to do it.

Today, I went to work during the day, and I'm used to working by myself after hours. All 3 of my coworkers are there, and I'm walking back and forth through the shop, feeling very self-conscious. I feel so insecure, fat, ugly, and just plain weird. My friend Mark is there, and he's using the sink, which I needed to use also. So I walked over and he asked how I was... and then I mentioned something about it being hot today... then he mentioned he'd met my Uncle and Aunt today, then said something I didn't quite catch. So I said "huh?", and he's like, 'nothing, I'm just mumbling.' So that was pretty much the end of that conversation. Thing is, I try so hard to appear comfortable and smile a lot when I talk to people that I know pretty well, even if I don't feel that way. I think I try so hard to, and I do believe I succeed, but I think it somehow makes Mark a little... thrown off. He's known me for a long time, and sometimes I'm completely shut down socially... while other times (especially when I'm on medication), I'm all smiley and upbeat. I mean it feels good to be that way, but for some reason, I don't think it's a positive approach to take with people all the time. I want to have a sense of normalcy, being in a place where, yeah, there are problems in the world and in my life, but at the same time, it's OK b/c there's good things too... But I can't find that middle ground between being overwhelmed by problems, or trying to forget they exist.

Today I was taking an interest in Mark, and just asking questions and trying to converse, but he seems uncomfortable if I'm asking too many questions. I would say he definitely doesn't have SAD, but he has his insecurity issues. And he can be a little shy when questioned, apparently especially by someone whose all cheery and upbeat, like I try to be. I don't know why I'm making him uncomfortable. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I definitely don't feel flirtatious at all. I think of him only as a friend, which is not hard to do since I've known him basically my whole life. It's just that you do tend to take more of an interest in people who you consider to be your friends, but he seems to only want to REALLY talk to me when I'm more interested in whatever it is I'm doing, and just kinda talking to him on the side. Rather than having a full-on, face-to-face conversation. He might just be one of those people whose uncomfortable in one-on-one interaction... b/c he's really outgoing when he's in front of a group of people. But get him into a conversation with one person, and I think he tends to be a bit shyer.

Anyhow, since I didn't feel like the conversation went well, I kind of just went about my business quietly and avoided eye contact with anyone thereafter. Then Glen, another guy at the shop, said really really loud to Mark, something about a "beautiful woman" being around. Now, there's no other women around besides me, and I got the feeling he said it so loud so that I would hear. Which made me wonder if he was saying it to like give me a boost or something, since I walk around with my head down and act all insecure. I hope that's not me being vain, it could have had nOTHING to do with me... he could have been talking about the singer on the radio or something, IDK. It's just that I did my makeup today and put on more flattering clothes than I normally wear to work... but I couldn't bring myself to look up and see if he was looking at me. But I fear that by walking around all lowly and stuff, I draw attn to myself, which is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. I want to blend into the scenery, and not be noticed. It's like, if you look bad, like you don't take care of yourself at all, you can get negative attn. If you look good though, you also draw attn to yourself, albeit positive... then you feel like the longer someone looks at you (for whatever reason) the more likely they are to find your flaws, or you to make a fool out of yourself. I'm really rambling here, but I haven't written a blog in over a month...

What I can't seem to figure out, is how NOT to draw attn to myself. I don't want people around me looking down on me for sure, but I also don't want them to feel the need to try to 'lift me up' because I'm too down on myself. You can be down on yourself and feel really negatively toward the people around you, which turns them off and they don't want to talk to you. OR, you can be down on yourself, and feel more positive toward the people around you, really like an extreme meekness in portraying your accepted belief that they're all better than you. Either way, when I'm around people in either one of these modes, extreme discomfort and anxiety inevitably ensues. I can't seem to get around it. But I guess that is just the nature of the SA beast. Why can't I figure this out? Practice does NOT make perfect. The more I try, the less confident I feel, and the more anxiety I have. But I don't want to be a recluse. I want to be able to get a normal job, and one that I can enjoy.

I've heard it said that people in general will treat you the way you 'ask' to be treated, by the 'vibes' or whatever you're putting out. I want to be a person who others can respect, rather than having them put off by my negativity, or conversely, feeling the need to make me feel better about myself. Ech... I just don't want to have the focus on me!

Tags: Insecure Conversation Coworkers Attention

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Hey everyone! I just wanted to say Hi to you all since I haven't been online in a few days, and I've been missing talking to you! I've been in the process of moving back in w/ my parents, so now that I'm finally out of my old apt, things should settle down some again. Although, honestly, I'm really hoping that I will be more active now. I have to say, although I was quite dreading this move in the beginning, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Going deeper and deeper into debt every month is really stressful, and now I can think about other things, more important things than money.

Also, I started a new medication that seems to be helping for the time being, so I'm really grateful. I just hope I don't have to stay on it forever. I really want to get better and get off these drugs... but don't we all, right?

Well, I'm sorry I haven't replied to some of you in the past week. It has been really hectic, and my attention has been diverted.  I still have quite a bit of things left to do to adjust, so it might be a while before I'm able to be more regular. But I hope you don't forget about me in the meantime! Thanks you guys, for all the support you've shown me in the past few months. I really appreciate it! 

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It's been storming all night, and I absolutely love it. Cracks of thunder and the white noise of downpour intermittent. It's amazing how good it feels to stand in the pouring rain with no one around and just free yourself of so much tension. It's really quite liberating, I highly recommend it.

Flowers never bend with the rainfall...

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