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My internet didnt work yesterday! sounds crazy but it was horror, i had no idea what else to do haha, made me realise how much time i spend on the net its back now , RELIEF! 
A Good Day :) haha how rare of late..... I had my first good night sleep in so so so so long, woke up feeling refreshed and ready to go, was such a nice feeling Today was my first day back at Uni for the Semester, it started 3 weeks ago but I only just turned up today (blame SA) So I was a lil nervous about attending my classes and having to be the 'new guy' and have to ask to join other people groups for projects. I had some Valium to calm me down and it worked really well, my first class, I did really well, was so talkative and joined a group! so I felt really good at this stage My next class was a lil diffrent tho, I got there and the class had lots of 'cool' type people if you get what i mean like the real imtimidating type, anyway i sat down and the whole time i thought these 3 guys behind me were talking about me, cos they kept whispering and talking throughout the whole class , I was prob just being paranoid, but i did get the feeling they thought I had intruded their territory cos I was new At the end of the class the tutor put me in a group with another new girl, and we had lunch together to sort out our project and we got on really really well, hehe i felt like id made a friend - yay :) - Thankyou Valium xx
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Limbo
Posted On 07/30/2008 01:48:22
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Ever since missing my dose of paxil last week, everythings just been wierd, you know when you dont even know what day it is? sorta thing? or you ask your self "what did i do on monday?" and you have no idea, i feel like im missing time, its all very strange, but i guess its my brain readjusting, I feel kinda like I did when I first started taking paxil like the first week or so Got major headache and slept soooo much last week or so, maybe thats why I feel like Im missing time haha cos i slept it away I still havent found a job tho to find a job you would have to actually look :P I know if i looked I could find one, but i have overwhelming sense of having no desire, its almost i want to be zapped with electricity or go on a rollercoaster or something blahhhhhhh
Im on 20mg of paxil a day, and missed 2 days worth and am paying for it now, had intense feelings of 'insanity' and 'doom' it wasnt very nice, Paxil for me has been good for the past 4 months and I had no idea how bad it could be if you missed a dose I feel like my brain went to hell and came back, I still dont feel 100% but I feel like im going to be okay now, scary stuff dont ever miss a dose!
I have 30 days left of my uni break and seen as im not working atm, youd think it be pretty good, but when you have no money and limited social prospects:P its kinda well boring, I feel like im in a bit of a funk, I guess I should just get a job, but then I think about writing a resume etc and i get the I cant be bothered feeling or the I'll do it next week thoughts Even though Im in a bit of a funk, still been making good progress anxiety and depression wise, I feel as though I have no depression anymore, its gone, I consider myself a positive person now, I realise everything I want in life I can get, and Im realise the power of taking risks. I no longer am scared of answering the phone or making phone calls, I actually enjoy it now, Im a less anxious driver too. I dont spend so much time in my room and interact with my family more and help out with cleaning etc, Im more organised and keep everything clean. Ive started dating again too, and realise its actually fun and not scary, I realise if I dont like someone I can say NO and its okay and if i like someone I can tell them and not be scared of possible rejection, i dont have to wait for the other person to make all the moves and organised all the dates, I can do it Life certainly more colourful and exciting, theres more 'dramas' when you take part in life but they can be kinda fun too hehe beats a bleak emotionless existince thats more sure power on
Tags: Holidays Boring Money
I ve been realising a few gems that have really helped with vanishing my anxiety I was reading this article were the person was saying "What do you have to gain? - from being anxious? from being scared? from being fearful?" It really spoke to me, because it really makes sense, I mean what good comes out of being anxious? So by telling your mind, when your anxious or fearful "what am I gaining from feeling this?" it reduces your anxiety dramatically because your mind sees logic The article was saying that often the pay off from things like anxiety is the fact that its "routine" its been there so long that your mind finds comfort in it because its "usual" even though its a negative. So I think im going to use it as my mantra whenever I feel anxious ill ask myself "what am I gaining from feeling like crap - ? - nothing" We all deserve to be happy and feel comfortable in all situations,, its only are thoughts that stop us, work on unwarping the way you see the world Im realising life isnt so scary, and people arnt really out to get you all the time.. Another thing Im learning is "The power of effort" the power of "trying" all my life Ive been fearful to try new things, Id only do something if i was 98% sure I would be good at it, and therefore not ridiculed etc.. But just by trying to do new things you discover strenghts you never thought you had, more than ever I Realise life dosent come a knocking, you MAKE it HAPPEN By never trying in life, by being scared of failing, you end up failing life by default Try something 'scary' today, youl be suprised at how unscary it will be hehe
arnt they just? haha, I stopped working in January was too much in a funk to get another job so I just used my credit card(big mistake) borrowed money and used my savings, making every dollar stretch. So I hadnt paid my 2 credit cards in 3 months so they started to call me etc, though I got lucky cos I became eligible for a student allowance off the government and the good thing is they back paid me from February, so I got 3 months of payments all at once! was such a nice suprise to finally have money, tho I have 90 percent of it on paying my overdue amounts and paying back people i owed money. It such a nice feeling to be out of debt for a while! My anxiety has continued to dwindle, every week I feel more confident than the week before and Im making huge changes life wise, I now realise I have a future and It is what i make it, Driving is mainly where my anxiety is these days, though its getting better. When im in public ive become very aware that no one actually cares about you(in a good way) people rely only pay attention to you if they need to. It never been so nice to feel like a nobody Uni ends for the semester today, tho I have 2 major assignments due one yesterday and one today, havent started either eeeeeeek! but ill be fine, I just procrastinate until last minute , then spend 14hrs straight doin them haha, some things never change made a few new friends and continued to get rid of others that were a bad influence, family life is WAY better, my parents dont look at me like im a freak anymore, i never thought id ever get along with them but im starting too, Ive become a lot more organised, being organised gets rid of alot of anxiety I find, like being prevenitive is better than being reactive, my room is very orderly now i know where everything is my sleep is still bad, but im learning just to accept it and work around it, then gettin depressed when i cant sleep or when i sleep too much changed my diet a bit too, started drinking green and white tea makes you feel really good, and ive tried to get rid of junk processed food and eat more fresh food, it really does make you feel better, the thought of going to KFC right now dosent please me at all, tho having a salad does, its funny how your diet can change, i thought id live fast food forever woah long blog haha peace xxx 
PRESENTATION DAY (Oh Christ!) well thats what I used to feel but strangely enough............. I woke up with no anxiety, tho I did have a Nightmare were i screamed! like in the movies haha. But I felt calim all day, The Journey to UNI was full of anxiety however I was running late (as usual haha - i dont think i ever been on time for anything - even my own birth:) but as I was turning into the campus MY CAR STALLED! but it started again - YAY, i was very low of fuel and with petrol prices atm! who can blame me My first class was great, I actually asked a question, and in my group I was the ALPHA person, doing the most talking etc, im suprising myself, these people in past weeks probably wouldnt even of known my name Had break before my class where i was doing a PRESENTATION! and i had a lot of adrenalin running through me, but it was the good kind, when i met my group members for this class, they were NERVOUS!! i was shocked these people are always confident! I was more relaxed than them (odd) when I went to present I ACED it! WAS BEST FEELING EVER, i talked perfectly made eye contact etc etc, I think were gonna get a really good mark, AND
!! DING DING IM OVER MY FEAR OF PRESENTING AFTER TODAY!! I got a parking ticket and i didnt even care, i was just too i was doing alot breathing exercises before i talked, i found this really helped, its about immobilising the anxiety, and not letting it get to the stage where it can result in a attack Also I was looking at Youtube videos on Social Anxiety and Public Speaking these are really helpful I learnt that, when you stand up in front of an audience , your eyes fixate on other people faces, out brains use alot of energy to decipher faces, so when theres 20 faces it drains you of energy, so your body releases adrenalin to counter this, adrenalin is the butterflys feeling! so its all completely natural, even really confident people get butterflys they jsut learn how to immobilose it! 
"That person is thinking this" "oh why are they looking at me" sound familiar lol yea these thoughts plague me on a daily basis, but there starting to go away as I realise oh they arnt thinking that and there not looking at you(your just not that important) its funny i was at uni on fri and i was sitting in the back with my group members next to me and in front of me, usually u would sit a certain way watch the way i wrote, talked etc you know the drill but i did something diffrent i just studyed there faces , when we were in conversation i realised people are caught up on the own existence to warrant thinking about me, i mean yes someone may glance at you but it dosent mean ur being critiqued. seeing that they wernt that wrapped in me, i was almost dissapointed hahaha i was like damn im not that popular for people to be thinking about me non stop Ive had a up and down weekend, been really sick with infections and TOOTHPAIN! God isnt it the worse!!! i wish i went to the dentist more, ive been once in 12 years and im 22, go figure the state of my teeth its only 6pm but im gonna nap and have a gr8 week ahead, im behind with a assignment that is already 4 days late but ive been too sick to complete it, ill likely fail the unit, but atm all i can think about is feeling better Painkillers are helping my teeth making it more mild, but it is so uncomforting who knows maybe ill get a job this week! im feelin confident even tho im ill SCARY!! My first presentation(public speaking) for uni is this friday! WISH ME LUCK ALL, my previous pres last year i shook! my voice stopped working and i became a wreck, im so scared about friday, im even considering having some wine before i have to talk yikes Have A gOOD WEek.ALL! Hang in there
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