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I am officially writing this just to vent... so you won't find anything interesting here, lol as if u can find any in any of my blogs.

Anyway lonely AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNNN... I don't know this time its alittle different. You see I've ALWAYS been attracted to them indie movie types of girls ever since I was like BORN, seriously before I even knew what indie movie was. I remember I was a 7-9 year old kid in Korea and when its a rainy day i would day dream to my self while walking back home. A girl without an umbrella now that would be hot :P naw its not that but I guess I am attracted to that sophisticated? or mysterious types of girls who seems like they have alot on their mind. I am a sucker for them, like whenever a girl needs assurance I have to be a nice guy, I don't know I tried to be a bad guy a lil back but I guess its not really in my blood. Anyway I want to know if everyones like that? I don't really know why, but you know what I am talking about right?

Once awhile me and my friends would talk about what kind of girls we want, and I try to describe it to them but its pretty complicated for me hmmm, and I think its cuz I don't really know exactly wat I want... alil bit of this alil bit of that makes things complicated lol.. Lol but I LOVE COMPLICATIONNNN! anyway ahem, other then tat I always liked girls who were like all smiley and seems like they are happy you know? I guess its cuz I want to know how they can be so carefree all the time.

Its weird because Ive just been thinking about that rain thingy now and I am wondering why I was thinking that sorta stuffs when I was that young and why I still remember it(I usually forget EVERYTHING) I don't know most of the stuffs that I remember like scene to scene is, I think all a part of my imagination. I never knew but I guess I was living in my head ever since I was a kid. Its weird I don't remember much on how I was back when I was little, I've been telling myself that its becuz Ive moved around so much and had my personality warped so much that I just forget it, but I guess Ill never know unless I speak to someone who really "Knows."

Hmmm I don't really know why... its weird I thought of myself as carefree back "Then" before I had sa but I don't know about before that...

Wats weirder is that I remember this and this from my child hood but trust me there are some WEIRD @$$ SHIT. Lol so I opened my eyes to girls alittle sooner, I remember this one scene where my dad and I were walking back from school and we were talking about girls lol I was like 7-9 or younger and anyways there was this girl and I immediately was like oh I like her but I do that like *snap.

And its also weirdthat I have these views where I am watching myself doing stuff and I be thinking that happened to me... but I AM LOOKING AT MYSELF, so its scary to think if that was my imagination.

AHhh I need to goto school in a couple of hours but I couldn't sleep when I had the chance too and I am regretting it right now .

LOL getting alittle INSECURE ARE WE??? lol I guess its normal to be insecure sometimes... I want that time back when I didn't know this "World" that I do now... I wish I can be a kid again and just not have all the fun pummeled outta me till I can't feel "fun" again. I wish I can meet that type of girl I want, even if I haven't found one in all my life. I wish that all the good things that I believe is true, which it IS lol, and all the bad you guys can go to hell. I wish that all the abstract worlds that I created in my head... that one day Ill be able to experience them in real life(Because IT CAN HAPPEN, its nots like its orcs and elves, u know wat I mean?), I know the devil can't get me, its all in the good book . And finally I wish that this made some sense into some knuckleheads out there

Hey... Ive been depressed and crazy hag cold for awhile now... and Ive just made a choice tat I should still be happy, and "good." I don't know if anyones gonna understand my language but here goes... just for that one person tat truly understands... this ones for you.

Life is like a boat... sailing across the oceans... sometimes it has storms and life threatening situations... will even if that tidal wave is right at ur face, don't give up. Even if ur all wrecked ater it... don't give up, because I know where ur trying to go... to a peaceful place, full of sunshine and all, and sometimes it seems impossible, but u gotta trust urself and watever u believe in and pull through.

I don't know sometimes poo will be telling u lies... be it the Satan, a ghost, or fate, it tries to feed you lies and once u glub it all up, its hard I know. Tats the situation were in right now... were believing the lies tat something is telling you, but u can't let your guard down... the more you think about those kinds of stuffs and the more u believe it and go deeper into tat rabbit hole. THe harder it is to come back out. The harder it is to see wats true or not. Tat poo confuses u, u see lol.

For the past couple of weeks Ive been bitter, all money concious, and just angry at the whole humanity... I didn't realize tat I was angry but I was... and well... I think I was about to join the rest of bitter evil @$$ people... but I decided tat wasn't me... Whatever bad people do... tats their choice and trust me there going have wat they deserve. Trust in karma even if its for a brief while .

And to those people tat can't see anymore hope... all I can say is don't give up hope LOl, its simple as tat... Yea everythings telling you, your surroundings, your past, even ur own ######## brain... but hey its still ur choice. If you think happy thoughts u become happy, if u think sad thoughts u become sad its simple as tat. If u keep on thinking bad thoughts all u have left is misery and life will become more miserable and miserable till u can't handle it. U have to look at the glass half full even if there isn't any sane way to make it like tat. Just lie to urself and make urselff insane if u have to, happy insane lol. Just be like oh Ive got five bucks YAYYYYYYY! Oh I lost my eyes? will itll heiten my other senses then! lol.

All I am saying is u can't believe eveything tat ur brain tells you.

I know it sounds simple enough... but simple is GOOOD right?

Thoughts are important... I know prolly half the people knows tat, its your choice... really IT IS! Hey if u don't want to listen to me, then $&#^% u good luck being miserable lol. Really all I am trying to is help you and if u want to be immature and not even try to listen then seriously $&#^% IT. I am not a saint, not just yet lol.

Its been hard to block all the lies tat Satan was telling me... but I am gonna try cuz I knows God gotz my back... and to everyone I gotz ur back seriously. Hey even if u don't even know me, Ill try to help u and I am gonna try to stay GENUINE. Cuz i am cool like tat .

I can't say... but watever u belive its gonna happen to u... if u seriously believe tat u can fly, HEY u can fly! and no one will be able to see it... except you, but tat doesn't matter. Cuz u believed and believed till u made it possible... even if no one belives you, Ill believe you... even if its all in the head

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA so I've been meaning to write a blog... but I didn't have much to talk about... anyway so this blog will be ALL OVERRRRR THE PLACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... I think... I haven't written yet have I?

well one thing peculiar tat Ive been thinking about is... sometimes when I am just lying down watching tv... I just punch the couch and things for no reason... I don't know why but I think its cuz I am angry or something. WELLLL the thing is I always used to have a problem with ANGER, see everyone used to be all Wtf to me when I first got here... and I always get angry and start a fight then see as myself and other people get farther away. You know what I mean? anyway for a LONG TIME, I didn't have trouble with anger but I think the pandoras box is opening again for some reason.

ANd SOMETIMES I be muttering poo without me noticing... yeah I think I am getting a little insane over here lol. Lol let me rephrase that I ALWAYS been impulsive...

I've been feeling the feelings that I felt when I was a kid... (Don't make sense?), well I think I am going back slowly to the way I was back then... some bad things happened lately and I just don't know WHO TO TRUSTTTTTT!!!

I mean theres NO PEOPLE TO ######## TRUST DANG IT lol. SO yeah keeping it all to myself lately... going back to that lone wolf stage I once had.

Lifes trying to confuse me... ahhh... Oh yeah been MAD obsessed with money... and I know its kinda bad but I just can't help it!

I need to live tat Thug life u know wat I mean lol, always been poor but always won't be lol. I gotz to make them mulahs!

So yeah... OKAY I need to get HAPPY! lol no worrys $&#^% everything else...

hey ppl! Hi how u doing lol.

Well this week was kind of a turn for me... I fought with one friend and I kinda fought with my other friend... and well the situation is really shitty... but I was never the kind to ponder about this stuff long so I am just gonna forget it, not embrace it.

Its also weird... cuz everyone I know is enrolling for college... I mean people tat I hung out with lately. See I am still in highschool and I feel like I am lagging alittle bit...

I mean my minds not on this kinda stuff, I can't wait till I graduate...

So I guess u can call it a turnaround... I mean thinking about this stuff is about to put me down but I am not gonna let it.

Also I don't know but peoples been asking for me alot these days... I mean my cousin for one wanted to buy me sushi... (He doesn't know yet that I have sa, but he prolly notices my difference.) I had to find ways to get out of that... I mean I LOVEEEEE SUSHI! I love it to death, I mean I could live and breathe in it. Its like money to me. ANYWAYSSSS I had to turn it down... and then I realized...

A while ago I would be fine with that kinda stuffs... but now I cant even accept it... just a thought on how much I changed... but I was sure I was getting better...

NO I must be getting better cuz my brains been all cool, let it be, dont worry and smile lately... Yeeeaaaaaaahhhh I gone from a paranoid stoner to a happy hippie or something.

And my minds kinda somewhere else right now so I am just gonna quit writing...

I HOPE with all that I love, that everyones made a turn for the "Good", and I mean it... with all my heart. THX FOR LISTENING DUDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

Well I am a deeply religious guy... but lately I am confused about religion... AHHH ANYTHING BUT RELIGION!!! and its all becuz of this thing they call "Evolution" Whoop dee do.

See if I had a time machine I would go back and choke Charles Darwin... even kick him a few times... The Hate I feel for this man is... scary trust me.

Anyway I don't really know all that much about this topic then the next average joe...also I don't really have a degree it that field but I thought u guys might want to hear some opinion from a deeply religious guy... which is ME .

Anyway this subject is a hard pickle because not alot of people can dispute the fact that evolution isn't real... and I am not really sure what to believe... anyway here I go

1. U know how they say it all started with like small particles or something, and they all came from the oceans? well wat happened before that? I mean who the hell created this earth?

2. Well I saw a documentary about what kind of creatures would be here on earth after 50 million, 100 million and 200 million years after, and in that documentary they had some really horrible looking creatures... u know like the ones that would eat man alive? well how come we don't have any in this time period? I mean there are some and this might be a stupid question but how the hell did species like us become top of the food chain? I mean they say were all just monkeys...

3. they say were like all the other animals... well doesn't society and all these things that we have mean something? I mean if they say were all just super smart monkeys then how come we do worse for the world then the other animals... I mean if were so smart then how come we do so bad things to earth and to other people. Is being smart a sin then? Other animals can't build societys! they can't study science and build a nuclear reactor or weapons... I mean doesn't tat mean anything? Maybe that we have a soul in some stupid ironic way? I don't get it... and it seems to me that another species like humans won't appear after were all extinct... isn't tat kinda special in anyway????

4. I thought of this idea when I heard from somewhere that the devil controls earth or something... I mean maybe the devil himself is finding ways to trick us or something...

5. Well I am not so sure about this but did they find the missing link? if they did this part doesn't mean anything...

6. I thought about ways to incorporate the bible with evolution and maybe just maybe God put us on earth for a test and after the apocalypse and after a few billion years maybe history will repeat it self... No the bible said there wasn't any caveman... Anyways this things been buggin me for awhile... and I just get angry when I think that my faith might be meaningless...

Well tats the last of it I think... sometimes I think that maybe all beliefs are right for themselves... you know if u believe in something that well really happen to u? or something like that. I am not sure because I haven't really read the whole bible and I don't really know about the whole evolution thing.

All I know for sure is that people were put on earth for a reason... any stupid or surprising reason it may be I believe with all my heart that theres a reason. Theres also a reason for humans being the top of the food chain... So if we are so smarter then other animals then why do we do worse for this whole environment then other stupider species? Everything about people, the personality, the beliefs, and the way we feel or react the way we do. I think that maybe thats exactly what separates us from all the rest, and maybe thats why we have something called a soul...............

But I am not sure so feel free to argue

I wanted to be bad when I was a kid... and then when I became kinda as I said KINDA bad, I wanted to be badder. When I did some really bad stuff that I was on the verge to goto Juvi, I kinda learned to be kinda good... and now that I am off the hook I want to be bad again...

I GUESS PEOPLE NEVER LEARNNNNNN! lol it's funny...

Anyways I was tat kid tat stole psps in junior high. I had money for lunch but it would never fill me up so I would steal food just to eat alittle extra. Afterschool when people played I would go thorugh peoples backpacks... Yea I was TAT KID.

I think I said this a million times but I was kinda a loner/ plus kinda popular? Not popular but I was well known...

At lunch I would go talk with my cool friend for awhile then to my Asian gamer friends... then I would go talk to my midget friend forawhile then I would go talk to my white gamer friends or silly friends...

Well this might sound like showing off because... yes I am kinda showing off lol

Back then I was pretty happy... yes I had alotta anger but still I was a happy little boy.

I used to HATE those white-washed thug wannabe Azn kids... and I used to hate jocks... Maybe because the school I went to was a total ivy league school or some shit. I mean La Canada High its pretty well known here... SO I was like LA CANADA? I mean who u trying to fool, u aint no GANGSTA WANKSTA. Anyways... I am a hypocrite cuz now I am going for them looks... funny how times change right?

Well its weird to me cuz I think back to those days and think wow I used to be such a confident, extroverted guy... I can't remember how I acted back then... or should I say I am completely dufferent.

Sometimes I think... GAWD if I just kept going to that school... but BACK THEN I WAS THINKING I didn't want to goto a school with bunch of stuck up kids... I wanna be from DA HOOD or something. Like I wanted to goto a badder school... and get drunk smoke weed and shit.

So like a cold-hearted man as I am, I just left without looking back.

I miss tat school... anyways so after leaving I hung out with fob friends. Now I was trying to go for that Koreanish Punk thing but my friends were all pussys(YEAH I SAID IT PUSSYS), so I guess tat made me kinda change...

Well so as I said sometimes I want to be bad again... and just hustle drugs or beat up kids without worrying if I am going to be sued lol. I mean it's so weird that now I don't think I can't.

Yeah u can call it growing up... but look at them gangsters and mafia and shit.. THEY ARE LIKE IN THERE 40s or some shmuck.

I also have this other thing... about nationality... but it dont matter that much.

Its really complex... Tat saying tat ur friends defines who u are... ITS SOOOOO WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean I hate that... I hate itttttt. Why can't me be me, without my friends influencing me? I guess tats kinda impossible unless ur like this machine tat have no care about anything.

I guess not having any friends makes u genuine then? does it work out tat way?

Well yeah it sucks... I know I should'nt but sometimes I play out in my mind how I couldve become if I did this... or stayed in that hs... or stayed in this hs... and its really depressing...

but one thing I can tell myself to make myself feel better is that I couldn't have become what I am if it happened any other way.

It doesn't matter about the bad things about me or the good things... All that matters is that I couldn't have been me... Sure maybe if I did this I would be popular and full of confidence or some shitt, but I COULDN"T HAVE BEEN MEEEEEEE. U know wat I am saying?

All the bad things about me just don't matter because thats wat makes me... ME and I can fill watever I am missing out on... If I can't then $&#^% it I AM ME!

To my mind: LEAVE ME BE

I felt alot looking at these... and Most of you prolly already know this, but I figured that things like these are new everytime you look at them. Atleast thats wat happened to me..

Now if you look closely, they say that lust leads you to that burning fire hell that everyones similar with. Lol didn't know before, doesn't that mean that like most people lusts that much or something?

Looking at this makes me think that it is possible to have Hell on earth...

Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

Pride broken on the wheel Horse Violet Envy put in freezing water Dog Green Anger dismembered alive Bear Red Sloth thrown in snake pits Goat Light Blue Greed put in cauldrons of boiling oil Frog Yellow Gluttony forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes Pig Orange Lust smothered in fire and brimstone Cow Blue

U know what... yesterday my 21 yo friend and I was about to get in a fight...

You know what pisses me off? wait nvm...

Anyways I was about to punch him but then the situation suddenly went from an arguement to talking about stuffs...

So I guess its cool... anyways found out that he didn't really like this other guy who were our friends or so I thought.

See this guy (Us 3 knew each other for 4 GAWDDAMN YEARS), was a manipulative, selfish bitch. And I just found out recently... anyways before this I thought it was just paranoia.

After this convo...( I mean I was about to do something to him before this convo but this convo kinda justified? my idea) I realized that I really shouldn't hang with this guy, his giving me bad influences. And I don't know for sure but I think this guy might've stolen my HAT. I mean who does that? ######## cocksucker. Now I am not accusing anyone but I have my own reasons and the next time I somehow go over his house and find something, I am a beat the poo out of him.

Seriously ALLL THIS TIMEEEEE, he really isn't the type of guy that I can learn anything from...

So on with that... my life is changing pretti rapidly nowadays... and I think it's cuz I changed. I don't know for sure but deep down I know I changed.

Enough about sad because I really don't give a $&#^% about what other people think of me. Well maybe just a little but for the most part I DON"T GIVE A FUCK.

But one thing I got ot hand it to him is...

He played me good

Now just so nobody got the wrong idea... I knew he was a hyena like guy from the start, but for the most part I thought he was joking and deep down he really wasn't like that... and I am not the kind of guy to rush to the conclusion.

I finally get why people say don't trust people that don't like kids or etc.

But the important thing is I learned that everyone isn't like that... just some BASTARDS out there. Anyways $&#^% him and his motherfucking family.

heyyyy I know u guys don't want to hear me bitchin... but hey lifes been hard on me for awhile...

I just watched a movie called The Wackness... and I can relate about alot of stuffs that appeared on the movie...

You know one thing I've been wondering is.....

Why be good? I mean everyones likes a bad boy, and if someones really getting "Played" or "Screwed". I am not doing any harm unless he knows about it right?

He'll just think its just another misunfortunate accident in life or something.

U know what, i think its come a time when I have to choose to be good or bad...

I just can't choose because I have reasons that tells me to be good, but I also have reasons that tell me to be bad. I AM SO ######## CONFUSED!!! Well I can be both good and bad right?

Well I am depressed if u haven't figured... All the stuffs that I learned while having sad. What does it all mean???? Well if you want my opinion, it says that the bottom line is the world is prettiii ####### up.

Well I can't changed that so I should just accept it... be like the water or something.

Be like that Wu Chi or something, like empty out everything and just go with the flow....

Just change when other people change... Maybe you'll go further in life because ur riding with the river?

Maybe me trying to not change when everythings changing is just being head-strong. Maybe it'll lead to me being insane... I don't know.

What I mean by that is... with everything people sell out who they are or change themselves to get what they want or who they should be. Do u know what I am saying?

Bad people go further in life and tats true. Me trying to go against this mass tidal wave won't do me shit, it'll just get me killed... I am stuck, I am so ######## confused that I lost all my direction... I guess I'll try that going where life takes me forawhile, since I don't even know what to believe anymore... GAWDDD I need to goto a doctor.

Well don't worry about me... I am bipolar... I'll probably be all happy come tommorow... HOPEFULLY

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