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I was taking my daughter to school, and before I took her in, my husband called and said he was going to be working nights.  I quickly had a big panick attack after that.  I am not  quite sure why, just that I won't see him as often as I would like.  I think it is the security.  He will be sleeping during the days, so he will be home.  But I won't spend any time with him during the week.  I am very nervous about this because it will be like he isn't even home.  So I guess that is why I had the panick attack.  I am trying to reasure myself so that I don't have future attacks, but it is very hard.  I just have to try not to worry.

Well, today I have to work in my daughters preschool classroom.  I always get nervous when I have to do that.  Heck, I get nervous when I just have to be in there.  I am still kinda depressed from yesterday, but hopefully that will go away.  I also have to go to Weight Watchers.  I dont think I have to go to the spousal support group for the navy wives because my husband is changing squadrons.  He does leave on the boat for a month starting on the 21st though.  Well, I guess i had better myself ready and the kids ready for school.  This is the part I dread, because I get anxious.  I hope everyone else has a good day today too!

So my anger turned into depression.  I am going through things that I don't want to go through.  Stuff is going wrong with my van, my daughter can get more cavities if I don't watch out, I have to find new glasses, cause I don't want to drive 3 hours in the night again without them.  Just the not knowing is killing me.  I need to know what is wrong with my van and when will it be fixed.  I need to know that I will have glasses to wear on my trip.  I can't think of anything else.  Why can't I?  Everyone tells me that I focus too much on stuff.  I know that may be true, but I can't help it.  I hate to have busy days that are filled with appts and meetings.  Just like I did today.  I feel like everything is coming down on me and I can't do anything about it.  Like they say, When it rains, it pours.

I don't know where this all started from, but I am slowly and slowly getting more angrier at this world and the people in it!  I don't know where to begin to talk about it.  I have been stuffing my feelings for so long.  I can't cry...haven't been able to in years.  I can cry when something sad on T.V. happens, but that is it.  I just get angry, then sad.  Whenever I talk about my feelings to other people, it is like they invalidate my feelings, like they don't matter, or they have worse problems than me.  My problems aren't near as bad as theirs.  They probably think that why am I even worrying about those stupid things.  Well, because they are important to ME!  They make ME worried or scared.  Why does everyone have a problem with what I say all the time.  They don't understand.  I have feelings.  The rest of the world may not have feelings, but I do.  Everyone else either stuffs their feelings, or they think they are too strong to share them with anyone else.  Like they are better than me.  Well, I am not going to put up with it any more.  Once in a while I will find someone who doesn't think they are better than me and I can talk to them.  Why does this world have to be so harsh?  I am not sure that is the word for it.  I know people must have it worse than I do, but the fact is, I have anxiety and depression.  I can't do things that most people can, like take my daughter to school without feeling dizzy.  Volunteer in her classroom.  I wish I could be like everyone else and not give a care what people think.  I think that will be one of my new years resolutions.  But I will just be a little angry at the world, that is all.  I realize that makes me look a little stuck up, but who cares.  I would rather be stuck up than shy.  Anyways, why do I have to be so angry.  Why can't I just cry?  Well, I hope some of you people out there are reading this.  I know all people aren't bad.  I have a problem with judging people.  I am not perfect.  Doesn't everyone do it though?  I just want to stick my head in a pillow and forget anything was ever wrong.  Please go away feelings!  Your pain is too much to handle!

Don't know what to expect.  I have the kids with me this time.  Hopefully things will go well.  I start to feel anxious, dizzy.  Well, I have to go to the bank after that.  I got a little bit of money.  Was looking at the bills and we might have money for a tree.  I am going to the after Christmas sales.  Well have to go.  Hope everyone is doing good!

Well I don't write very much, but I should.  I don't know where to start.  I am very irritated right now and I am trying to control it.  I have a 3 year old awake right now that can't sit still.  My 8 year old is keeping himself occupied by games.  I know it sounds gross, but it is probably my time of the month.  That is why I am irritated.  It is also the holidays and I can't do everything I want again.  Money is very tight.  We are trying to get our finances under control.  I am tired of not getting the material things that we want like a livingroom suit.  We have been trying for years, but it always ends up the same.  Why can't anything go right?  I walk into other peoples livingrooms and theirs looks so nice, and mine looks like a pigstye.  I hate it.  I don't know how to do anything.  I know it sounds like I am putting myself down a lot, but this is what I think.  I also think that I am different from everyone and no one likes me.  I can't feel connected to anyone, not even online.  I feel like the black sheep.  This is why I tried suicide so many times.  I hope to make some friends on here, or something.  Hope everyone has a happy holiday.

I had fun yesterday with my friend and our kids.  It was my birthday and we went to the restaurant that had a bunking bronco and  I actually rode it!  Then the waters brought a piece of cake to me and sand to me.  When we were leaving a man (biker) offered to take a picture of us by the wagon.  There was a huge treehouse in the middle for the kids to play in.  Well, I am off to go browsing on here.  HAve a good day!

Annie

Hi everyone.  I guess I will introduce myself.  I am Annette and I live in California.  My husband is in the navy and is currently on the boat for 3 weeks.  He will be back in 2 weeks.  We have a boy (age 8) and a girl (age 3).  I love them to death, but sometimes they fight like cats and dogs.  I know that is normal.  I try to keep everything normal around here, but sometimes is is hard.  My depression is pretty much controlled.  I have Bipolar and if I don't take my meds, I get really depressed and suicidal.  I have done so many stupid things in my life.  I have had people turned away because of me.  I feel like a pathetic peice of sh*t.  I feel so ugly and scared inside.  I don't talk to anyone and I avoid eye contact at all costs.  Except I do talk to my friend.  I just hate myself.  I can't even chat to people online.  I totally forgot my people skills.  Or did I even have them?  Well, enough of that.  I feel so trapped in the anxiety.  I take my daughter to school, and can't even walk her to the class without using her stroller.  I can't go on living like this.  I have to deal with this all withuot my husband here too.  I wish I was stronger, but I am not.