it's been awhile since i've logged onto this site - i've been in california since the end of june. though i'm not struggling as much as i could be, i'm still reminded of the quote "wherever you go, there you are." it applies to this situation.
before i left for california, i'd scheduled an appointment at boston university's center for anxiety and anxiety related disorders. it consisted of a four hour interview and a hefty packet of questionnaires. at the time of the consultation, i felt completely lost. i'd been in and out of therapy for years with no tangible results - largely due to my own inability to confront that which makes me uncomfortable. it makes CBT impossible and psychotherapy just another way for me to analyze my issues with no action required. psychotherapy is like crack for me. it keeps me guarded.
i went to BU looking for answers, i guess. i wanted to see, concretely, what's wrong with me...and get ideas about how to help myself from people who ostensibly understand what we go through.
it's been a month since my consultation and the woman who conducted my interview called me with the following:
my primary disorders:
social phobia
depression
body dysmorphic disorder
secondary:
eating disorder not otherwise specified
i'm not really sure how i feel about all this. seeing it in writing doesn't make it any more real - it's not as if i didn't know these things. i'm also wary of the multiple diagnoses; the DSM is so imperfect. i have elements of all these disorders, as i knew, but it hasn't made them any more clear. i was hoping the interview would be able to personalize them, but instead, it's just the same old, cold list of general disorders. it means nothing to me...they're just words. i'm still thrown in with all the social phobia cases, all the depression cases, etc. additionally, i don't even agree with all the diagnoses - and the woman on the phone couldn't elaborate any more than to say i fit the criteria.
great.
anyway, the reason i'm blogging is because i'm frustrated. i want to move forward instead of remaining stagnant - or regressing, which i do often. i haven't gotten any better in such a long time, even though i feel like i'm trying so hard. but i don't know, maybe i'm just trying the same things. maybe i'm really just keeping myself here on purpose because i'm scared. and i'm tired of being scared. i'm tired of this crap controlling my life. i'm tired of pushing people away and missing out on opportunities and being unfair to my friends and family. i'm just tired.
i logged back onto this site because i guess in a lot of ways, even if i'm not active on it so much, it's full of people who understand something about myself that is impossible to communicate to other people in my life. i guess that has power. i'm also blogging because one problem i have is opening up to people - and it hurts them. i've lost more friendships than i can count because i push people away when i feel like we're getting too close. by putting all this here, even in a blog, it's making me vulnerable in a way that i often refuse to be. i don't know any of you, but publishing this onto this site is still making me anxious...and embarrassed, quite frankly. i'm doing it anyway, though - so maybe it's a step.
Tags: Diagnoses Social Phobia Anxiety Body Dysmorphic Disorder Bdd Depression Blo
