Viewing 1 - 9 out of 9 Blogs.

First, thanks to all the people who wished me a birthday. It's definitely a cool thing to know that people would take their time to leave a message on my page.

I guess i'm back again after my annual avoid everybody while i'm alone time. It's seems to be some kind of vicious cycle i go through and made even worse when i quit my job about a year ago. Ever since then, i've done zilch. Stopped seeing my psych, quit my meds and gone through months of utter passiveness and complete shame with no Tony Robbins to help me. I did just about the same thing when i graduated from college. Took me a freaking long time to find a job. Stupid procrastination and anxiety!

Here's the junk i've taken up since i spend so much time at home now. Watching political shows up the yin yang. I'm really into the presidential race this year especially because of Obama. My head is filled with figuring out campaign strategies a lot, as if my ideas actuallly matter or would actually work. I guess that's how invested i am in it or that i really need to get a life. I'm actually thinking of volunteering for the Obama campaign for the general if i i feel up to it. At least that gets me out of the house and doing something.

More junk, fantasy baseball bordering on obsessive- too geeky for words. Wii sports- getting tiring now since it's the only game besides that crap wii play that i own. At least it's exercise! 

Really the only person i've really talked to in the past few months is my friend Dave and he's the one that calls me. I never call him. Well, i never call anyone period. I think i need to have some interaction again even if it's online. And writing in my blog again is a good step. Be seeing you.    

Just been in a lazy unproductive mood lately. Binging on trash tv like that Tila Tequiila show(Dani should win) and heapings of america's next top model (damn them for eliminating Heather) marathons. Also rewatching wonderfalls(a good guilt-free show) again and Jaye tyler is my hero. She and Enid from Ghost World are my two favorite female characters of all time. What i really should be doing is appllying for jobs but i'm apathethic. I don't think i'm ever going to ever achieve much happiness in my life cause i have an easier time projecting it onto other people or in whatever ways to keep myself at a distance emotionally.  That's probably why i watch a lot of tv and movies, i can experience emotions without ever getting hurt.  I guess i have many crossroads in my life. Each time it seems like it's the end of the world and the only way i get through them it seems is by sheer luck.  

I'm so pissed off at myself for trying out for this inside sales position at loopnet. Actually i'm embarassed cause it's phone based and me and the phone don't get along at all. This job recruiter called me today and asked if i was interested in this job. Stupid me said yes. So one of the requirements is to leave a 1-3 mins phone message talking about how I would be right for the job. The recruiter wanted me to leave a practice message on her  voice mail. First try, i ######## screw up and stumble over my words like an idiot. I hang up cause that's the only thing i could do.  I try a 2nd time and i ramble in my incoherent painfully slow way. I take too long and the voice mail actually says i have 15 secs left. Gawd i hate this.  This is a big company and looks like a good opportunity, but i just can't handle leaving a simple message. I can't tell you how ######## painful this is. I've never been good with words especially verbally. It's hard for me to even string two sentences together without a laborious pause. I can't fucking  think when i'm nervous. It's too much. Now this recruiter is going to call me back tomorrow and critique my message before i leave the actual message with the company. What the $&#^% am i thinking!? I think i'm just going to tell her i just can't do it. I hate it when i'm this anxious.

I'm so excited the new dvd boxset of Twin peaks is coming out tomorrow. I had the older sets but once I found out the new set was coming,  i went to ebay as fast as i can and got my $100 for the old sets. The new set has the pilot that's missing from the first sets along with both seasons and some cool features such as a roundtable with Lynch and some of the tp actors. And there's also the a new soundtrack for the 2nd season that's for sale separately. I'm might even get up early than usual and go to my local target to pick it up. Then again, target might not even carry it. I hate to run around and find a store that carries it at a decent price. The lowest online is Amazon at about $65. I want it now so i'm going to try my best to find it around town and not order it online. After watching another crappy episode of heroes tonight, I can't wait to watch tp all over again! I'm so psyched, I might even start a David Lynch group here on sas friends. That might be from  the sugar high i'm on now. 

I went to the ups store to ship some stereo equipment that i sold on audiogon (ebay for audio nuts) I always see this girl there who usually rings me up. I talked to her a few times and was sort of flirtatious to her in a very innocent way. Her name is Kelli. But this time, she was with a customer so another girl helped me out. So while Kelli was talking to her customers(some old folks with a nice twisted sense of humor), I was thinking about saying hi to her but i was so nervous with all the people around, that i could'nt do it. So finally after about 5 mins and i'm done with my package, Kelli says hi and i said hi back softly. And that was it, I left the store immediately. On the one hand, she did recognize me, on the other hand, how can i be so afraid to say hi to somebody. It sucks!

I talked to my psych yesterday on the phone and i'm going to see her on Tues. It's been 3 months since i've last seen her and when she asked what i've been doing for the past 3 months, I said "nothing". I don't have health insurance anymore cause 1- I don't have a job 2- the insurance company rejected me cause of my depression. At least she's nice enough to give me a discounted rate. Kinda nervous to see her since i've been spinning my wheels since i quit my job.

 Dave drunk called me last night at 2:45 in the morning. 1st time in a long awhile so at least i'll give him that. Hopefully the next one won't be until next year!

Just finished watching this tonight and i enjoyed it very much. It's hard to believe that a Seth Rogen type guy can ever get together with someone who looks like Katherine Heigl. But something i noticed is that even though he's a stoner dude, he's completely honest even if it makes him look stupid and immature. So although he grows up a bit near the end of the movie, i think that honesty is what makes him so attractive to the katherine heigl character. That he's always himself no matter the situation and is  completly comfortable in his own skin. It doesn't hurt that he's completely hillarious. Seth Rogen's on Snl tonight btw. Gotta go see now!    

Went out to the city today. I picked up World series of poker 2008 on ps2. Wasted money! Browsed the record store but i bought nothing which is unusual for me. Blue angels planes were flying above but i barely heard them cause i had my ipod on.  I didn't talk to anyone besides saying hi and thanks to the cashier. I seem to be going through the motions. I'd love to have someone to hangout with this weekend.

I was just playing some online poker and it's so damn slow waiting for people. It used to be fun but not anymore. People take forever to make a call or raise. I want to play in a real game with live people but then again i don't know if my nerves can handle it. It'll be a easy tell to the other players if my hands are shaking all the time when i have a good hand. Maybe if i had some friends to play with, I would be more comfortable.

I can't believe it's October already, I have to start doing something productive before the year is out. 

I don't want to sleep so late everyday but i can't help it. At least when i had a job, I would sleep before midnight usually. Now, I don't sleep until 1 or 2.

 

I've been blogging off and on at SaS and civic space for a couple of yrs now, but this is my first blog here. Just discovered this site and it's a pretty cool site. I did find Becky as Tom kinda funny.

So my friend Dave came back from San Diego on a business trip and he brought along his girlfriend Gladys. Shows u how much i'm out of the loop, he's been dating her for months now and i didn't even know it. Well, Gladys' came with two other girls that for the life of me i don't remember their names- maybe it's because i never talked to them. That's the problem, i could'nt talk to these girls while Dave was charming them all. It wasn't all bad, there were 2 other girls who came. Janna, whom i known for about 10 yrs, and i used to be in love with, but we're just good friends now. And Barbara, girlfriend of one of dave's friends, whom I met before. I talked to them most of the time cause i felt comfortable with them and not the others.

Cut to the point, i had a shitload to drink. Long island ice teas, cranberry vodka, wine, and champagne.  Maybe cause i thought it would make me more talkative and outgoing. Granted i don't drink very often at all, but the times before, it did make me more outgoing. Not this time, i was mildly depressed throughout the day and the drinking just made me more depressed. When I got on the train to go home, I was getting so sleepy I thought would fall asleep and miss my stop. I'm so stupid that i called Janna at least three times  just cause she was the only one i could call. This is exactly what Dave would do. He's called me in the middle of the night drunk at least a dozen times in the past 10 years. So i did a Dave. I dont' remember much of what i said to Janna, something about being sleepy and never drinking ever again. I still haven't called her back yet cause i'm afraid she's mad at me for doing a Dave. Still, that wasn't the worse part.

When I got off the train, I could'nt even make it to the ticket gates before i threw up. I walked over to the stairs next to the restroom so i could sit down but i threw up somemore. You know ur in trouble when the ticket agent comes up to you holding a traffic cone. I remember what she said to me, "did u have a little too much to drink?" I said something like yeah, just a little and that i did'nt have the proper fare for the ticket. She told me she did'nt care and that she just wanted me out of the station. I would've been so embarassed if i wasn't in the state i was in. I got home, took off my shoes and went straight to bed like a brick. I've never been drunk before and this was not fun at all. I can't believe how stupid i acted.