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Viewing 1 - 7 out of 7 Blogs.
I think that I have figured out of my biggest problems, but I don't know how to begin fixing it though. For whatever reasons, I did not grow up with a healthy sense of self worth. As I get older, it seems to get worse & worse too. I try to be a good person to everyone, but I don't feel that I am worthy enough for good things. Since I don't feel worthy, I avoid even trying for most things now. I feel that I don't deserve my good job, a new car, celebration of my birthday ever, anyone to be extra nice to me, a pretty woman, a going away lunch when leaving a work group, eating out at a nice restaurant, going out to lunch with coworkers, having my own children, good loyal friends, people to make any extra effort to ever help me, or even having my own dog. I am completely mystified how other people can justify their actions to themselves. I know people that are not very responsible, but keep having kids after kids. They have 4-5 animals at a time too. I can't even justify one dog to myself. How does the lazy & scummy guy down the road justify to himself that he really deserves that pretty girl at the bar, when most people clearly think that he is outclassed? Until I feel more worthy of good things happening to me, I won't be able to make constructive plans towards any goals. I have always turned down compliments or any praise too. Once I received a monthly award at work. You get a gift certificate and your picture up on a wall. I couldn't avoid getting my picture taken with management and then posted on the award wall. Right after it was posted, I stealthly took down my award picture down and hid it in my desk. No one caught that a month was missing either or ever asked what happened to it.
Take Care, John 
I am proud of myself today for trying. I survived through several social activities today and didn't avoid them, like I usually do. I went to lunch with 4 people from work, and I wasn't too nervous and had a good time. I have been avoiding lunches with anyone and working through lunch. Also, once a month, a bunch of people get together after work for a couple hours of pool & eating/drinking. I got off work early and went to the pool hall/bar with about 10 other people. I probably wasn't that natural in a bar, like everyone else is, but I didn't embarrass myself. At least, I don't think that I did.  Finally, I went to a group meeting at night for other five people with Shyness. This is the first day that I have used every social opportunity available. It was a good day, and I think that I get points just for trying. I am tired, but I don't feel mad at myself for actively avoiding social activities. I just have to keep it up, until it feels more natural. 
In social situations, I always feel different than everyone else. Even before having the health problems, I never felt "normal". I really still don't, but that feeling is probably a little stronger now. When I go on work trips, most people drink a lot at night. I feel odd sometimes because I don't drink. Most people drink at least some alcohol (and some people drink way more than their share!) Here is where it gets weirder: I was always afraid to drink and have never drank alcohol in my life. My family life was never boring. There was a lot of smoking, drinking, and drugs going on when I was young. I saw all that as examples of things not to do, so I never did those. Actually, I was afraid that it was something genetic and that I would be powerless to resist. One of my many drunk uncles actually killed someone. He ran a red light while driving drunk and hit a pregnant woman, who was driving through a green light. I was afraid, after one drink, that I would turn into a raving & crazy alcoholic too!  Now that I am older, I don't believe that anymore. I actually had severe pain issues for a while and had to take strong pain pills, which can be very addictive. After the surgery, I stopped taking all the medicine cold turkey. Many people in the family are hooked on that stuff too. So, now that I know my underlying assumption of addictive genes was wrong, I guess there is no reason that I shouldn't start drinking. Many anxious people say it helps them sometimes too. Reasoning everything out, I should try it but I can't do it. There are a lot of similar behavior patterns with my social anxiety: Logically, I know that I am not going to die from going out to lunch with the work group or after work meeting. Maybe, in a couple years someone will make an outgoing pill or something! Hopefully, that will work better because I haven't been able to change my own behavior/thoughts yet.
This social anxiety crap stinks! Excuse my language.  I want to go out, do things, have fun, make friends, date, etc, but I can't. My fear of trying and failing is ridiculously high. I know that it is supposed to be some left over feeling from the caveman days: fight or flight. It today's modern social world, I am probably not going to die if someone doesn't want to be my friend or go out. It is much "safer" to just work then come home. I think that I have so many bad life experiences that I don't have the normal bounce back that most people do. I wish there was a way to dial down my extra sensitive genes, so that I have normal reactions. Maybe that is why many people drink alcohol to get courage up. I am hoping that I will get tired of being alone all the time, and just start being social & less afraid of failure. Probably not a very good plan though.  I'll try to do some small baby steps. Last Friday, I went out for lunch with a couple people from work. We played pool for a bit and I had fun. Maybe, I will go again if asked tomorrow. The fear of going though is strong and illogical. I'm not sure what the record is for someone being alone, but I could probably break it. It is amazing how much time that someone can spend alone and not go crazy! OK, you'll just have to take my word on that last one.  Hopefully, I lay a few good bunts down (baseball season) and try not to get beaned by the fast ball.
I was glad that I was able to put my picture up here, but it was a little hard to do. For the last few years, I have had an overactive immune system issue. The most obvious symptom is loss of almost all my hair on my body from the body attacking the hair follicles. I had some digestive & thyroid issues too from this, but those have mostly cleared up now. It started out as a small bald spot on the back of my head. Then, it was two bald spot. The bald spots kept getting bigger over 2 years. I tried to hide the spots, but finally they got so big that I had to shave my head. That was pretty upsetting. Once I started to deal with the hair loss, then my eyebrow hairs got attacked. Now, I feel even more odd looking.  I was always really shy anyway, but this makes everything even worse. Everybody at work is good about it, and they treat me normally. Occasionally, outside work, someone asks me if I'm dying from cancer. It is a good reminder that things could be a lot worse though! Women can get this too, but at least I have normal male hair loss to blend in a little. Most people have eyebrows though. It is a wonder, really, that I even leave the house! I already felt poorly about making new friends or dating, but now I feel even less compatible with everyone. I think even if I looked normal that I would still have "issues", but I would probably do better with handling them. I know it isn't logical, but I feel people are better off with normal people.
Second Blog Ever! About 2 months ago, I was out running some errands on Sunday around 6. I took something back to the store and it was near my old city where I lived. Actually, we had 3 different houses in that city! I told you that I moved a lot. So, I thought I would drive around to see the old neighborhoods. I drove from one end of the city to the other, very slowly. Driving down side streets, I saw a police officer pulled someone over at an intersection up ahead. The cop looked nasty. Instead of a nice uniform, he was wearing a beat up black leather jacket! I come to the stop sign, then stoped & watched him talking to the car he pulled over. Oh well, then drive off. I come to another stop sign and see another cop pull someone else over! What's going on?  I come up to a stop sign and stop. Duh! I just saw two people pulled over! Another car is coming the other way to my intersection at same time. I am going straight so I have right of way, since she signals to turn left in front of me. We both pull forward a bit. I stop AGAIN, then wave her to turn in front of me. I then drive through intersection. A cop pulls me over!!! I pull over and it is the same sloppy cop that I saw earlier. He gets out of his car, throws his cigarette to the ground, and comes strutting up to my car. He blurts out, "License & registration". I ask, "What are you stopping me for?" The jerk says that he won't tell me until I give him my stuff. I do, then he walks away to his car. Then, he comes back and says he is giving me a ticket for running that stop sign!!!!! WHAT???? I say, "You mean the stop sign that I stopped twice for???" I explained it to him. He said I ran through the stop sign and then writes me a ticket for it! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I am so mad that I get over my shyness to go down to police station and file a complaint. I write out 2 pages. A week goes by, so I go back down to police station to follow up. While waiting, I see a sign that says "Police Chief Cadez". Wait a minute, that is my officer's last name. I find out that they are brothers! So much for my complaint! Plus, the mayor is the Chief's wife! Doh! I schedule for court. Informal hearing comes first. I can take a no point ticket for $200. No thanks! I am innocent! Next, I have to have a formal hearing before the judge. Little Me vs. City Prosecutor & Police Dept! I file a motion for discovery. I want everything on the police officer, the in car videotape, status of my complaint, etc. The day before court I call the police station and they tell me that they have nothing for me, except a copy of ticket! Videotape was erased too! I go to court and it takes 2 hours for them to get to me. First, you meet with prosecutor informally. I go in and he offers me the same $200 ticket with no points. I have maps drawn out showing where I drove and where the cops were. I have a list of questions to ask the officer during the trial. I tell the prosecutor everything and I am innocent! I am not taking any deal, and I ready to go to trial. He actually looks disappointed that I didn't take his wonderful deal! He asks me to step out and he calls someone. Then, I get called in and he says that he is going to recommend a Continuance. Then he tells me to ask the judge for a Dismissal. That way, he won't get it trouble with the city. Then we go into the court, and it was weird. The judge reads the file and says prosecutor recommends a continuance. Then the judge looks at me, like he is waiting for me to say my line! I say, "I request dismissal". Judge, "Granted!". Done, just like that!!!! I win!!!!!! That was hard to do, but I was fighting on principle. Police shouldn't be allowed to just make up stuff like that!
1st Blog (Ever!) I thought that I would write a little bit about my difficulty battling SA & changing. I have always been shy and not very confident. As a kid, we moved around a lot so I never got to feel settled. My Mother was married 5 times. I think that I had one time in 2nd grade that I was comfortable and popular. I was doing good in school there, and had a lot of friends. I even did good in gym class there! There was a big climbing rope that went to the ceiling. We were supposed to climb as high as we felt comfortable. I got about half way up, then the whole class started cheering me on. I was scared but made it all the way to the top & touched the ceiling. It felt good and was symbolic. However, then Mom got divorced and we had to move again to a new school, where I didn't know anyone. Now, being older, I have many accomplishments but I still can't change my poor self image. I can get by at work, but don't feel comfortable doing anything social outside of work now. If there is anything social, I find an excuse to get out of it. It is too uncomfortable stressful. I don't feel that I do well socially in those situations, but other people say that I do fine. Occasionally, I will open up and tell someone at work that I am shy, and they don't believe me! They say that they don't see it. Sometimes, I think that I come off as arrogant or stuck up since I am really shy. I have read up on SA a bunch, but I'm not able to change my feelings, behavior, or self image. I think that there is a lot of irrational fears that I can't get over, so I am not able to try. Basically, I work then come home, then try to occupy my time until the next day. I think if I had a better self image, then the chain of SA events wouldn't be as likely. I would really like to change, but I don't know how at this time.
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