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Viewing 1 - 9 out of 9 Blogs.
god, dont wanna depress anyone further, but my counseller just called me to say shes ill so ive missed my last session with her til september. i went to the doctors this mornin cos the betablockers he put me on arent working, hes put me on sertraline, so fingers crossed they actually help. i think the main thing that is gettin to me is that it is the 10th anniversary of my mums death in july, and she died when i was 10, it means that after this it means that ive been without her for longer than i had with her, and i miss her alot. i dont wanna have to cope on my own anymore, my friends complain about the most trivial things and that makes it harder to talk about my own problems, cos they seem so much more extreme. i just feel like im putting on others when i wanna talk to them, i feel like they think its been 10 years, i really should have accepted things by now, but i dont know how. i get upset about my granddad aswell, he died when i was 13, we werent allowed to see him, but a few months before he died i was with my dads partner at her friends house who lived opposite my granddad, and i asked if i could go over and see him, and she let me go over for 10 mins. i went to see him and made a cup of tea, and he started crying, saying that he was lonely and didnt see anyone anymore, i think he was desparate to talk to someone and i was the only one there, and i could tell that he was embarrassed about crying in front of me, cos he was always a strong person, i never thought id see him cry, and it kills me to have seen him like that. it kills me even more that i had to leave him in that state cos my 10 mins were up, and if id have stayed any longer i would have got punished. i just wish i could have argued back, cos any punishment would have been better that this. everything is tainted, my dads partner ruined everything, she told me so many family secrets, and i was so young and should never have been told. she told me things about my mum i dont wanna know, that she used to have affairs behind my dads back and that she used to beat him up, and i dont wanna know these things cos its not like i can confront her about it. i wish i could have all my memories erased cos they are ruining my life. sorry, ive just realised how long the blog is, but i needed to get this stuff out some way.
im happy and stressed at the same time at the moment, had my presentation this morning that ive been stressing over for weeks. i had a word with my tutor about it cos i really didnt want to do it, and he said i could do the presentation just in front of him, but when i got there, only 2 others had turned up so he asked me if i wanted to go 1st before others turned up, so i did, and survived, GO ME!!! got 3 more exams this week, cant wait to get them over and done with, will be sooooooo happy on friday. anyway, got nothing else to report, so will stop waffling on. hope everyone has a great day :)
next year ive gotta do a dissertation, and for next week (friday) i need to have met up with at least two potential project supervisers with my ideas and by friday i need to have handed the supervision forms with my two choices. ive made an appointment to see one person and i have one idea, but im panicking over meeting up with anyone else. im not interested in what the other supervisers do, and im too bloody anxious to make appointments and see them. ive just emailed my personal tutor for an appointment so i can explain this, just dont know what to do, and like i always do, i have left things last minute. not only that but i need to get revision sorted for exams ive not next month and i need to sort out presentation ive got in 2 weeks. so stressed 
ive just managed to ring the opticians for an eye exam at last. i have been telling myself to do this for over a year now, and have been too anxious, so have been slowly letting myself go blind. im going for eye exam tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully can sort out these stupid headches. go me !!! :)
even though ive got a headache to die for at the moment, had a good morning, and am proud of myself. got ready for my lesson this morning, and ten minutes before set off my friend txt to say she wasnt going in, so had my little panic and told myself im not going in. then thought id txt my other friend to see if shes going in, and thought she probably will be so set off to go. next minute get a txt off her saying shes in london, but i still went to the lesson on my own, and survived, yeah! not only that, but when i got back we needed electric so went to the shop (on my own) and survived again, whats more i didnt have my mobile with me to distract me. and this headache is not gonna spoil my good mood!!! :)
so to top off what was startin a a bad day already, my friend txts me to say shes not going in to lectures today, which is fine, but i cannot walk into that lecture room on my own, so im not going in either, and i really wanted to go in today, cos we get our exam question for seen exam. pulling my hair out right now! and im laughing at myself, which is annoying me even more no smiles this time peeps
for years now i have the same thoughts of people close to me dying, not all at the same time, like, i will be thinking about things then all of a sudden will start thinking about my best friend dying. over the years ive had everyone i care about die for whatever reason in my thoughts. anyway, my brother went to fight in afghan before xmas and has less than a month to go, but even before he left i knew what i would be like, always thinking the worse, and now that its getting closer to him getting home, im going crazy cos im thinking these things more often, cos its like, im so close to seeing him, if i lose him now it would be the worse thing ever. im just sick of thinking these things, and i dont even know when i started havin these thoughts, ive had them for years. anyways, gotta get ready for uni, hope everyone has a good day :)
ive had a really good day, went to see my aunty and cousins. then on the way back my friend rang and asked if i wanna go to the cinema, and i said yes. so we arranged to go see film and everything was fine, but then i started panickin and i did really wanna go but i felt so sick. now ive rang her and said i cant go and i feel so rubbish and she said its fine, she will drag me out 2morrow, but aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh, so annoyed!!!!
Hey, im just reading a book at the moment called “we need to talk about Kevin” by lionel shriver, and it has a short part in it about a young girl who is very shy and scared of everything, and whereas her mother is understanding, her father describes her as clingy and pathetic. Her mother describes the situation as: Besides, Celia was frightened of so many different things that its possible she was, in her own terms courageous. Of what a variety of dreadful textures and murky corners might she have been terrified and quietly faced down by herself? I just thought it was a nice way of putting it, because if you are like me I tend to get really angry at myself and my anxiety, but thinking of it in this way, because we get scared and anxious so much we deal with alot more than those that are not anxious and should be proud of what we do accomplish it just made me see things in a different way. Just thought I would share it with you all. :)
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