Hey everyone.  I just figured out that this site lets you link to youtube vids and such, and spent the last few hours (yes, hours, I need a life.  Hee) uploading links to some of the better vids I've come across for my favorite shows.  They're a little out of order (as in, you'll find a couple Bones videos at the beginning of the list, and then several more again toward the end) which bugs my anal self, but that's okay.  (again, I probably need a life if I think about these things.  Heh).  

Anyway, point is you should all check them out when you're bored sometime, because there's some really good ones in there.  A good chunk of my favorite shows are covered (Bones, Gilmore Girls, X Files, Buffy, etc).  And before anyone says anything, they're meant as tribute/comment to the shows, with no copyright infringment intended.  :-)  And again, I didn't create any of the vids themselves either, so I can't take credit for that as well.

Ooh, and speaking of copyright infringement issues, I found a site online recently that I'm in TV-loving heaven over, which I wanted to share.  It's owned by Universal and NBC and is ad-supported, so it's legal and the people who make the shows/movies profit from it.  The result is you can watch tons of movies and tv shows online for free.  In my recent newfound obsession with Bones for instance, I was able to watch the whole first season on there.  So yes, if you're a tv-loving dork like me, you'll love it.  And since the site address would probably help, here you go:  hulu.com.  Enjoy! 

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I'm so tired right now I may just start typing "zzzzz", so I'll make this short, but I wanted to write something to let people know I won't be able to get online for a few days since I'm moving tomorrow and won't have the dsl set up at my new apartment right away.  Other than at work I probably won't have access to the internet until like Thursday.  Not that this is very exciting news or that it'll really affect anyone, but just in case someone were to leave me a comment or something I didn't want them thinking I was ignoring it.  Because I'm paranoid like that.  Heh. 

I'd write more, but I really am exhausted and have another long day tomorrow so I'll just go now.  But I'll leave you all with this:  going a year and a half without ever cleaning your oven?  Not a good idea.  It just isn't.  Because then you will have to try to clean it before you end up moving, and you may discover as I have that nothing short of an act of God is going to get the burnt remains of a thousand frozen pizzas to ever come off its bottom surface. 

And now you will all think I'm disgusting for never cleaning my oven probably, but that's okay.  At least I clean other things, right?  No?  Well, whatever.  Heh.  I'm going to feel bad though leaving it like that, but really, I just cannot get it clean.  Not with oven cleaner, not with scrubbing the ever-loving crap out of it, not even with offering it flowers and sweet-nothings.  So what can ya do.  But I've learned my lesson.  Next apartment?  I will clean my freaking oven.   And I should probably stop cooking frozen pizzas directly on the rack too.  That'd probably solve a lot of my problems.  Ah, well, whatever.

Anyway, didn't I say I was going?  Right.  Better do that before I really do start typing "zzzz."  (Which makes me wonder, where did that expression even come from anyway?  I mean, really, it's not like when you sleep you make a zzz sound.  Or maybe you do.  In which case you're weird.  Heh.  But hey, who I am to judge?)

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First off, thanks to those who read and commented on my blog the other day.  I appreciate it.  My Mom ended up calling me the day after and apologizing, so all is good. 

I may end up going with my sister next time, since she said it'd just be her, me, and one girl she knows from work (who I've met several times and seems nice).  And she said the place (the place being a restaurant slash bar) is very low-key and has booths you can sit in, so it's a little less "I'm out in the middle of the floor surrounded by people and they're all looking, agh!".  Sounds a little more like something I could deal with, so I'll probably tag along next time.  Should be at least somewhat fun.  And I'm sure it'd make my Mom happy too.  (Funny that me going to a bar to drink makes my Mom happy, if you look at it without context.  Heh.)

As for the title of my blog today, it's related to me moving, and how much I really, really hate moving.  I know I'm not alone in this.  And I'm only moving to another apartment in the same complex, but still:  stress.   So that's why I picked "other" for my mood too, because they don't have a mood for "can't I just telekinetically move all my belongings with the power of my mind alone?  No?  WHY?" 

Reminds me of this comedianne I like (Sue Murphy) who does this bit on moving that cracks me up.  All about how when you start packing you're all methodical and proper about it, wrapping things in newspaper and keeping them organized and all, but eventually you always just reach the point where you're randomly throwing everything in one box together, like dishes, clothes, your cat (ha), whatever, and then writing on it "CRAP I DON'T NEED.  I HATE MY CRAP!"  Hee hee.  Love that. 

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(disclaimer:  I realize this is long.  I'm longwinded and need to vent:  deadly combination.  Apologies in advance.)

Do any of you ever get tired of having SA and feeling like those closest to you don't understand?  I'm having one of those moments right now.

I swear it's like sometimes I can't talk to my Mom about anything though for more than five minutes without it turning into a fight.  And when the issue of anxiety comes up, it's just never good.  You'd think she'd understand how difficult a psychological problem is considering she's bipolar, and yet?  Not so much. 

And it's been something she's heard about for the last seven years or so, and she still just does. not. get. it.  And it doesn't matter how many times I try to explain.  It doesn't even matter if I try NOT to explain, and say "you don't understand Mom, and that's okay.  Just care, and that's enough for me.  We don't have to talk about it."  But no, that doesn't fly.  Because it'll turn into her all in my face (figuratively speaking) about it, like basically pointing out how odd she thinks I am and how much help I obviously need, and making me feel worse about something I already feel bad about and pointing out what's already obvious to me anyway.

It doesn't even matter what progress I'd made over the years, or that she knows I kind of regressed with it this year, and that I've been slowly trying to get my bearings again.  And because of that, certain things I was able to do more easily before are hard again now, such as going out to dinner with people I don't know for instance (which is what brought up this argument I had with her tonight).  It's like I get no credit for what I've already dealt with, and no understanding of why certain things are still hard for me.  It just makes me feel like crap, and so upset.

Anyway, I know that's vague and doesn't really give the details of what the fight was about, but I just needed to vent.  Life just sucks sometimes, you know?  Like really, really.  I guess I just have to try to accept that she doesn't understand, and that in her mind she's not trying to make me feel worse. 

She really has no filter or impulse control in what she says anyway, and I know I shouldn't take things she says personally, considering the crazy things she's said in the past to others as well as me.  But it's hard.  It would be better if even though she didn't understand, she at least stopped short of belittling the problem and making me feel crazy or hopeless for it.  You know?  But it is what it is. 

It's just really frustrating is all, and makes me feel worse than I already did, which I don't need.  But then again, I can choose whether to let it go and move on, or not.  I can try to put it in perspective, realize I can choose how I feel about the situation, without letting how she feels take over.  Or just try to remember that in her mind, despite that she's being harsh and hurtful, she is just frustrated by what she sees as me wasting my life and her not being able to help.  Doesn't mean the way she talks to me about it is okay or helpful, but still.  And I can try to look into what she says and see if there's anything constructive in it.  Usually there's not a whole lot, but hey.  Points for effort.  And for just trying to take a stressful experience and turn it less stressful.  Right?  Right.

In a perfect world her response to me not being sure if I want to go to dinner with people I don't know would be to point out the obvious things like "the world won't end if you embarass yourself, and you don't know you'll embarass yourself, and you've done things like this before and been okay" and then say "but I know it's hard for you, so if you can't do it you know I understand.  Do the best you can, and let me know if you want to talk."  But is this a perfect world?  No.  So yeah, moot point.

Okay, better now.  Or better-ish.  (Still a little depressed about it, but trying to shake it off.)  Thank you to anyone who bothered reading this rambly long mess. 

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Hi everyone.  I've been meaning to write something here, and all I have for right now is a survey I found on someone's page (can't remember whose, now), but that's better than nothing, right?  As good a way to introduce myself as any, I figure.  So, here goes:

.Simple questions:
1. What time is it:  7:40 PM.
2. Name:  Rachael 
3. What are you most afraid of?  Got all day?  Well, the main one is of looking strange or unbalanced in some way in front of people.  That's usually what my social anxiety always comes back to.  But on a more general level, I'm not a big fan of death.  I don't like the loss of control in not knowing what happens after.
4. Have you ever seen a ghost?  Not seen one, no, but I swear I lived in a haunted house as a kid, based on things that happened.  And have had a crapload of other strange, don't-know-how-to-explain-them things happen to me and my family too. 
6. Where were you born?  Portland, Oregon.
7. Ever been to Alaska?  No, but I'd like to.
8. Ever been toilet papering/ rolling in decorating trees?  No, I would've been the wet blanket kid saying "We shouldn't be doing this!" 
9. Croutons or Bacon bits?  I don't like salad, but both are fine.
10. Favorite day of the week?  Other than the obvious Friday or Saturday?  I suppose whichever day has my favorite tv show of the moment on.  Heh.  Dork!
11. Favorite restaurant?  Hmm, Golden Crown's always good (Chinese food.  Or, well, fake Americanized-Chinese food, as my hater friends used to say.  Heh). 
12. Favorite Flower:  I should say roses, what with Portland being the City of Roses and all, but I don't know.  I think hydrangeas are really pretty, so we'll just go with those.
13. Favorite sport to watch:  Female gymnastics like a mofo!  Hee.
14. Favorite Drink:  I like to try new things, but Long Island Iced Teas are my standby.  Almost anything with lime is good though, as a rule.
15. Favorite Ice cream:  Cookies 'n Cream.
16. Disney or Warner Brothers:  I'll go with Warner Brothers.
17. Favorite fast food restaurant:  Taco Del Mar!  I am so addicted to their burritos.  It's like KFC to the Dad in "So I Married An Axe Murderer."  Damned Colonel! 
18. What color is your bedroom carpet?  Let me move all the crap out of the way. . .uh, a nondescript brownish orange?  In other words:  ugly.
19. How many times you failed your driver's test?  Once, but I only took it once.  And then never took it again.  Wooh, 25 with no license, score.
20. From whom did you get your last e-mail?  My Mom, sending me a joke-email about Oregon Barbies, my favorite of which was the Eugene Barbie ("This doll is made of actual tofu").  Ha.
21. Bedtime:  When I'm stumbling around like a drunk person, going "maybe I should go to bed."
22. To sleep:  Perchance to dream?  Oh, you mean when do I go to sleep?  Usually within 30 minutes, but if my brain won't shut up it can take longer.
23. Who will respond to this bulletin the quickest?  Well this isn't really a bulletin, so. . .yeah.
24. Favorite TV Show:  Right now?  Gilmore Girls.  It's my current delicious obsession.  Mmm, obsession. . .my precioussss
25. Ford or Chevy?  Neither.  Remember I don't have a license?  More like bus or light-rail for my sad behind (or another word I'd usually say.  Do people swear here?  What's the etiquette regarding that on this site?).
26. What are you listening to right now?  As I'm answering this question it's "Coin-Operated Boy," by The Dresden Dolls.
27. Favorite color?  Green.  It's not easy being it.
28. How many tattoos do you have?  None. 
29. Do you have any pets?  No, although I always did growing up.  I had the same cat from the age of three until twenty. 
30. Which came first the chicken or the egg?  I'll see your "who came first" question and raise you one "what is the sound of one hand clapping."  Yeah, you think about that.
31. What would you like to accomplish before you die?  To be happy with myself.  Cheesy, but I think if I don't accomplish that it will taint everything else.

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