About 4 or 5 nights ago I had a recurrence of really bad insomnia.  I don't really know why.  I go to bed at reasonable hours, don't drink caffeine, just watch tv and play on the internet like I always do.  The difference the first night was because I didn't take seroquel.  I'm low on pills and I didn't have enough to last me the week.  I would have gotten more sent from home, but I'm going home on Thursday.  Plus I didn't feel like dealing with the post office.  DAMN YOU SA.  But anyway, I digress.  I can't really remember how well I slept Thursday night.  I can't remember if I took a pill...

Fine that day.  Average Friday.  Enjoyed the respite.  That day I think was the day I counted my pills and realized I was short.  I tried the non-pill... didn't work.  I was lying there so long I just said screw it and took one.  Fell asleep about 5:30AM and woke up at 1PM.

Saturday was ok.  Got work done.  Tried the non-pill... didn't work.  Bit the bullet and cut a pill in half.  Went 5-1 again.  And Sunday...

Problem is I woke up that morning.  When I stood up, I was dizzy.  I think I wrote about this symptom once before.  Last time it happened I was dehydrated.  Didn't help this time.  It's a weird kind of dizzyness where if you're standing up and walking you kind of... white out? for a moment.  It's kind of like the world swirls and you can't see a thing for that one second, and you're dizzy.  And it happens over and over again.  I remember also having some sort of back stiffness for some reason.

I think I slept ok that day because I took a pill.  I think... I'm sure I was insomiacked then too.  The problem is Monday was just as bad, if not worse.  I was so... in and out.  I had to actually concentrate on writing because my letters kept turning into illegitmate chicken scratch (not that they aren't already...).  I couldn't even walk straight without trying.  I wasn't tired - I actually drank a bottle of Dr. Pepper and felt noting.  Seriously, it was like my stomach was unconcious.  I wasn't hungry all day but instead had a sharp pain between my stomach and chest.  Later on it was worse when I hunched over... but later on, I was boiling as well.  I mean, I already felt like I was going to pass out or something from the dizzyness, but my head felt like it was in a bowl of soup... I still have the fan going.  Usually it makes me cold.

I'm still not really tired.  It's already morning here and I didn't sleep at all.  I tried, but I didn't come close to sleeping.  At least though it wasn't the roll around sheet tangler that it was the day before.  Hours after returning to my room from that heat boiler, the pain seemed to clear up and the dizzyness seemed to clear up a bit.  It's still there, but at least it's manageable.  And I think I can feel the slight beginnings of hunger.  If I'm not hungry, you know something's up.

As I said, at first I thought it might have been dehydration.  Then I thought it might have been a lack of sleep... but when I slept it was actually pretty deep.  I remember having a dream within a dream where I wrote down this crazy dream, intending to turn it into a story... I wish I remembered what that crazy dream was.  I know it was pretty good material.  And like I said, I wasn't really "tired"... I really don't know.  I was thinking maybe it was a fever or something.  But I don't know.  It was so sudden and unexplained.

And now, this morning, out of the blue comes depression.  It's death.  I don't know.  I see death and loneliness on the tv.  Like that 19 year old hockey player that suddenly keeled over and died.  So sad.  And in cartoons.  Death.  Being alone.  Memories... Sheer loneliness.  The sheer stagnation of my life, I guess.  Why am I here?  Where is my life going?  I don't know... it all seems pointless.  This world is so stupid.  The majority of the people in it are insensitive, self-absorbed, exploitative, elitism assholes that deserve to have the snot kicked out of them.  There is just so much wrong with this pathetic world.  And these things seem preventable with common sense.  And this is coming from a guy with none!  I am man enough to admit that I'm an idiot, but I'm a hell of a lot smarter than all these idiots out there.  I can see this world for what it really is.

I don't know.  I guess I just really don't want to have to live anymore.  I suppose being stuck here is the most depressing thing of all.  Oh, and thinking of all the things I want but can't have.  Like simple connections with people.  Friendships, relationships... I can see them but I can't touch them.  They're there taunting me... I don't know.  Sometimes it seems like it isn't worth it.  But I suppose when you're in a group like an academic team and you still feel so fricking separated...

What I wouldn't give to take back all the tragedies in my life... all the death.  To have just one more day... to have a chance to get past it...

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The bad news just keeps coming.  I wrote about that one kid, didn't write about the one person from the other site.  Earlier this week my mom calls and says that the guy who was principal at my high school for one year, my senior year, had a brain aneurism and was found at his home.  It's like, woah.  He wasn't even nearly old.  He was there when we won at Acadec (except for me, I phail).

And then my mom calls, yesterday, and says that one of the crabs came out of his shell and is just lying there... pretty sure my poor friend is going to die.  I can't even be there.  I hate not being there.  I'm never there.  And I don't even know why it happened.  I've written about him before.  He used to be so active... then he all of a sudden changed.  And he's never been the same.  So it's not a big surprise to me... but I can't even tell if I did anything wrong.  Or if there's anything I can do.  The other two seem as healthy as ever.  The little one switched shells and is running about like his butt's on fire.  Old big and hairy successfully molted... heheh.  Still remember the day when I walked in and saw him charging against the divider I put in.  So happy he made it through.  Or she, as her name implies.  But anyway, the other one is just laying there.  He doesn't move from that spot.  We know he's still alive because he moves just enough...

I mean, wtf.  It's like the year of death for anything I've known.  So much has gone, the least of which can be metaphorically implied to be pieces of me.

(Hooray, one...more...test.  I got like a fricking 81 on my psy test, luckily he gave us a free 10 points >_>  I suck.  But it's funny how the one that seems like it's going to be the hardest ends up being the easiest, and the ones that should be easy are hard, like that one.  I'm...so...tired *dies*)

Tags: 2008 Year Of Mass Death 2008 Sucks But Don't All Years Suck

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I don't care if he's guilty or innocent, or if the trial was unfair or not.  Why should I?  There are so many more relevant problems, like having religion forced upon me, or people mistreating animals, or the folly of the religion, politics, the US, certain peoples' desires to take us back to the Stone Age, or the incorrect treatment of the poor.  OJ is just another rich jackass who probably got away with murder the first time.  No, I don't care enough to read over this current case or even its verdict.

It's like getting into a debate on youtube with ant-rights non-abortionists that try to give you the guilt trip over how good our life is.  But I sure did pwn his ass.  He just quit responding after I proved to him how bad life is in America :)

Seriously.  You can't really see how the capitalist machine works as long as you're indoctrinated by schools.  We're a little more fortunate in that we have a SLIGHT bit of freedom to escape the illusion created by religion.  But, you know, we're the most conservative nation in the west.  Half of our politicians want to return to the days where women had no rights but to get married and have kids (hence our apparent "decline of morals" BS).  Our government tries to regulate morality?  Point being, religion, American ideology... it's all just a tool.  There is a reason why you can work 2 jobs, kill yourself doing it, and not get anywhere.  I'm telling you now, the American Dream is a lie and that's a fact.  Sure, SOME people make it, but there's a reason why the bottom 20% live in a virtual hell.  Reserve labor.  There's a reason why we're taught to believe that they're lazy and immoral.  There's a reason why our welfare system is one of the worst and our healthcare is a for-profit pig trough.  And I pity the average skin-head.  They think this shithole nation is so forward-thinking, they get so arrogant and claim that this is the best nation?  Stupid people hand-fed junk just to keep themselves occupied.  Our rich friends just gambled away all of our money and now we're footing the debt to bail them out!  Yippee!!!

It's vile how ignorant we are.

It's like making High School Musical 3... oh wait.

Well, that certainly... wasn't where I intended to go.

And now I'm stuck.

My mom calls me EVERY DAY.  But you know what annoys me?  When she's on the phone for an hour, and she sits there and doesn't say anything, and she says my name every minute.  WHAT!?  Hang up already, I'm trying to study!  Or she tells me really really pointless stuff.

It's like the Cubs in the playoffs.

And gah, I hate living with people.  It can be quiet 23 and 1/2 hours a day, but the moment I'm doing something important or trying to take a nap, they're out in the hallway talking as loud as possible, about what, freaking going to play chess?  Go already, don't sit there for an hour, fool!  And then the fool left as soon as I opened my door, having given up trying to sleep.  Gah!  I was so tired on Friday and I don't think my mind is recovered.

And then you remember the time I got called up and told I was being too loud.

And then they were in the hall yesterday, and I opened my door hoping that it would encourage them to go away, but they were on the other side of me, and they scared me and I shut the door, and then they were talking about me.  It was scary.

I hate my life.

I am so burnt out.  I haven't been able to concentrate since Friday.

I don't even know how I'm going to get through the rest of this semester.  I thought that since I was busy and had a goal I'd be ok.  But I'm just so worn.  It's just so meaningless.  What am I fighting for?  Where is my life gonna go?  Is it gonna be so boring, so unsatisfying, so fraught with failure?  Am I ever gonna experience... life?  I never accomplish my goals.  I'd rather be a Kif than a Zoidberg.  Only... 3 more... tests until... fall break.  1 whole day of rest.  Yessiree.

Negative.  I must be a robot.  Why else would human women refuse to date me?

Hooray, I'm helping!

Do you have any better hostages?

So... yeah.  My life is dull.  Is that it?

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Damn it, I'm running out of food!  How can I binge now?

I'm really nervous.  I have to go to lunch on Tuesday with the guy I mentioned last time... why?  You know, it's not like it's the first time... but you know, I think this new medication really hurts.  I mean, I feel less anxious, but I feel less able to speak.  Not like I have much to say and it isn't hard enough... but it's really hard.  But I mean, I don't feel THAT anxious... ye know, I'm just sick of drugs.  Who would have thought it would be like this?  I was the kid who didn't want to take aspirin when he had a headache.  Now it's like a bull run to a candy store.

Which brings me to thinking about the ADD medication.  Man, it's like a mystery.  They give you these things and expect you to know if they're working or not.  They expect a miracle.  And then they make you feel stupid when you don't.  What's it supposed to do?  Make me less OCD-ish?  There was a time at the beginning where I had to get them sent from home and I was so uncomfortable in my own skin... it's better now simply because it's more like it was before I started taking the medication.  It just doesn't seem normal to me.  Never did.  It's like a chronic itch, but everything has the potential for discomfort.  Hot and cold, McCain and Palin, liars and devils.  Plastic and... asteroid from space threatening to asplode the earth.  But seriously, nobody ever payed attention when I was a kid.  It was like bugs crawling over my skin.  Nobody ever listens :K

Pah, humans.

And my professor says, "you gotta let me know" if I'm presenting or not.  It's so much easier when people decide for me :p  I am such a doormat LOL.  But anyways, what can I do, I can't say no and be the exception.  I don't want to be treated differently.  Not that it's fair either.  Gah.  Reminds me of people bitching in high school... I guess I have a bit of an "I'll show you" attitude as well... I've done a surprising amount of presentations considering my condition.  But you know me, don't want it to define me... not that it ever works out anyway...

I mean, I've got to be so boring.  I feel like it's all my fault and I feel bad.  That's why that one douchebag... no, just no, let's not go there.

We're going headlong into test cycle one, and lmao I don't think I can get anything to stick in my head.  I guess I'm worried too considering I missed the alarm twice in a row.  I KNOW I set it Thursday night.  I even woke up twice before it was set to go off.  And yet, I still missed it?  WTH.  Is it the medication?  They did increase the knock-out pills last time, which I thought was unnecessary... I can't not take them, or else I'll never sleep.  But this cannot go on.  Never happened before.  Friday we had group meetings and I had to run there.  Gah, good thing I made it.  Could be worse than missing a quiz.

So I guess what I'm saying is... medication is NOT the answer.  Don't let your psych fool you.

They act like there's some kind of flaw with your body that can magically be fixed with drugs.  All lies.

I'd prefer to just not have to sleep.  So much wasted time.

Btw, I feel blessed to have such a good cafeteria system.  Even if the closest one serves only brunch on Saturdays.  And I eat so much I only have to eat once a day.  Heck, they even got good vegetarian options.  That's downright cool.  Yar, I be spoiled.

I should go back to reading Blindness or something now.  It's a good book, by the way.  Really sad though, because you know it's exactly how it would happen in real life.  It could be a killer movie if done right.

Much better than the last book we had to read, Mao II...

I wish I could say it all.  I'm not one for secrets.  What torment it all is, to be mute and filled with doubt.  Doubt that, inevitably, becomes truth.  Paralyzing fear of moving.

Timmeh!

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Some kid I knew from high school died the other day.  I don't really know what happened.  I didn't really know him.  But I can see him there fading away.  Is it so fragile?  Since seeing it
the other day, I still get that sinking feeling.  It's not like I haven't been closer to death.  Fade away.  I can see it fade away, leaving nothing but an unseen shadow.  A memory, a change.  I've not seen this fading.  Usually they're just plucked away.  Vanished and inconsequential.  Peeling off as I trudge through life.

Why does stupid stuff always happen to me?  I know I set my alarm... why didn't I wake up?  And it always happens when I have a quiz.  Always ######## happens.  Always when I think I have a good hold on the material.  ######## kill me.  Kill me please.  "It's just a quiz" well maybe it's more than a quiz.  It's a fragile house of cards.  A heart of cards carelessly kicked through the dirt.  A reverberating echo in a barren, soggy winter.  Just a surface scratch on a wretched life.

I can go to a practice every Monday and Thursday and sit off in the corner and hide my face when people ask me if I want a buzzer and desire and shadow and it's all pointless, directionless jabber.  What's the point of going through this if I can't live?  And I'm not living.  I'm not alive.  Living was when I was young and happy.  When I was enjoying life.  I have one memory from them.  Sitting on my mom's lap with a green plastic cup.  My father's there too.  In our old house with our old dog.  That was living.  That's the only good memory I have.  Maybe I was ignorant, maybe it was fake, but at least I was alive.

Attraction, fatally.  Loneliness is always the hardest pill to swallow in this case.  A fly on a hair trigger.  Dog poo versus a knight in shining armor.  Waves of loneliness lapping over the beach in a dull roar for all eternity.  Loneliness, fatally.  No experience of living.  Cannot live.  Teen angst scapegoat.  Where do we draw the line between teen angst and true pain, innocence and creepiness.  Youth versus loserhood.  Too late and not too late.  Pain without love.

You can't make a move when you're a cactus.

I don't even have a knife.  I don't even have creativity.  Isn't there anything I can do!?  Right, that is.  Because obviously there isn't.  Lovely little creature, like a little bird I can't reach.  If I could just force myself to down a couple hundred pills, I could fly away too.

Pull me under Pull me under
Pull me under I'm not afraid
Living my life too much in the sun
Only until your will is done

'Oh that this too
too solid flesh would melt.'

Tags: Life

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I hate group work.  Hate hate hate!  I hate it like I hate people.  Because, you know, you always get that snarky person who says, "if you're going to participate in this group, you have to talk" or something like that.  Because, ya know, it was my choice to be thrown randomly into groups to do stupid pointless annoying groupwork.  Evil girl.  The guys are nice to me.  But this theory case will be the death of me.

Jesus, why can't I write anything not boring?  I can have all these pretty thoughts in my mind until I actually sit down to write.  Then I'm just blank.  It's kinda like how I sleep enough and then I'm still tired.  And I can't stay awake in class.

Idk, this one professor annoys me for some reason.  Maybe it's because he's got to always give quizzes on these always-long readings.  Then he always finds something to circle on put a question mark by and take off points.  Just give the fricking 5, man!  4.5?  A question mark???  Explain what the heck is wrong with what I wrote!!!  Obviously the rest of the answer is perfect if you circle one word and put a cute little question mark.  Damn.

I joined Academic Team.  Because I was bored and I needed a goal.  Goals keep me focused.  Being too busy.  And I kinda miss Acadec.  Is that weird?  I had a dream about it.  I miss getting all the new materials.  It was like Christmas.  And the rote torture of reading those same materials over and over again for months on end.  Though why, why would I want to go through that again?  With that stupid, evil twit of a girl, and all the group activities, and the teacher from hell...

One thing I hate is the stupid old men who stand outside and harrass people with free bibles.  There's usually one right outside my building.  And there's always people asking for donations, and people asking for signings, and votings... gah!  I will cut across the grass and take the long route around just to avoid them.  Crossing the street when I see those old men.  And it isn't easy avoiding them, there are so many.

Seriously, I wish I had a taser.  And that it were legal to hit stupid people in the back with a baseball bat.  I mean the ones that walk like fricking turtles as the play with their cell-phones, letting lose that stupid mindless grin about because they're going to Walmart or something.  And the people that take up the whole sidewalk.  And the people that have to stop and talk and spread out over the whole sidewalk.

Sometimes I think I'm living with girls.  Ugh, I hate when people are in the bathroom.  And there's always, late at night, some kid picking at his face or some kid putting on face cream.  Um, geeze?

And if you saw that prelude last blog.  Smart asses who think they know me, think they know the answers.  Dammit!

Well.  I guess I'm running out of steam.  Reading a new book every week.  Oh, meh.  We had a massive power outage this week,,, well, technically last week.  Man, it was out 6 hours Sunday and they cancelled class... then it went out for another two hours Monday.  Only reason there was power was backup generators.  But then there was some sort of "protest" outside the president's house about cancelling class on Tuesday.  Which I suppose is legitimate seeing as the off-campus kids didn't have power.  Image the dining halls.  How much they had to toss.  Everyone was walking around looking for food.  Lucky I had a good supply and the ability to survive off a bag of animal crackers.

I don't know why I try joining activities though.  I don't fit anywhere.

I had the bad fortune of running in to the one person here that tries to be social to me.  It's so awkward, sitting there at lunch.  Especially when he's with his gf.  And I feel like the new medication makes me talk even less, if such a feat be possible.

Well, I don't know what else.  I guess I should stuff useless knowledge into my head or read some Victorian melodrama or a book where people talk and don't make sense.  Yeah.

Tags: Life

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Of this:

"im 21, had this problem my whole life, it is terrible, absolutely horrible, but youre only going to exacerbate it by feeling sorry for yourself. medication, therapy. only way to go. sitting around contemplating and introverting will end up killing you man.

another note, as im sure youve noticed this condition causes you to be way too inwardly focused, almost self absorbed. whenever i get that way i just have to remind myself to get out of my head and think about the needs of others. and dont take poo off of anyone, most people have no idea what its like."

I'll cede one thing... that it's BULLSHIT!  How many ######## times do I have to say that I'm on a copious amount of medication and therapy?  Jesus Christ.  I don't even feel sorry for myself.

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Today I forced myself to go to the counseling center because I've felt like total crap the past week, but now it's like, why did I go?  Of course the guy wants to schedule weekly visits and I'm supposed to e-mail him to set up a time, but now... I don't want to.  It's so ######## pointless.  I'm just gonna go in there, waste an hour, waste money, and I'm still going to feel like crap.  I don't know if it's the medicine talking or what, but these past few weeks I just feel like staying holed up in my room as far away from human contact as possible.  Sometimes I feel like I'd be better off like that, and other times I can feel the whole weight of how pointless life is.

What makes life worth living?  Even if I were magically healed tomorrow and had everything I ever wanted, would it still be pointless?  Yes, I think so.  I feel that even if my life had been right from the beginning, I'd be completely obscured in triviality.  I don't know, what is there to life besides getting stressed and getting fat?  Whoo, I get to get up every morning and if I'm lucky kill myself in some dead-end job then go home, stuff my face, and repeat.  It's just all so meaningless.  Multiply that times infinity when you don't have the distractions that normal people have and you're stuck with yourself and the truth 24/7.

Sometimes it feels like the fact that a freak like me can never change is comforting.  I'll never have to be responsible to others.  I'll never have to deal with the impossiblities of personal relationships.  Never worry about disappointing anyone.  But on the other hand how do I keep up the facade of fruitless trying if I don't desire to waste any more time with professionals?  You know how it is.  People won't let you alone unless they're sure you're "trying" even if that trying means shooting a ######## hole in your head with a nail gun.  The only answer is dying.  I have to die.  You know I'm not one for facades.  I'm tired of living, period.  Why does the world keep turning?  So we can find new opportunities to suffer?

It's the end of the third week of the semester.  I feel like I've had the energy beaten out of me, literally.  I get enough sleep yet I feel like I'm about to fall over and die.  I feel like I'm living in a dumpster, and I don't have the concern or energy to clean myself up.  It shouldn't be so ######## hard to die.  You can euthanize animals but it's so morally offensive to keep people from suffering?  It's better to watch them die slowly?  Oh that's right, we just ignore them.

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Thanks for the wishes.  You guys are right on it, as usual.  More than people ever were in real life   More people here now know my bday/gave me wishes than in real life   I guess that's a bit of a step for me, I've always been extremely secretive about the day, for I did not want to become the center of attention.

Besides, anyone who found out forgot within seconds.  I figured it would be better than the embarrassment of one well-wisher

I'm already bored of school.  This is just the second day... I was extremely anxious, as there is so much groupwork and presentations... the presentations I can handle, but the groupwork...?  The workload doesn't seem too awful (mainly because I dropped the rote memorization of Japanese) besides the amount of reading.  Between my two English classes, we have a required total of 21 books.

...Yeah.  I'm currently writing between bouts of reading.  And I'm still considering whether it be possible to find a job.

Hard to find time to study trivia, play guitar, write, games, and random other stuff.  Let alone remember

Gonna be a lonely year, I can tell.  Gotta stay strong...

Gotta get more BRUTAL!!!

Tags: Birthday Wishes School Sucks Boring

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