|
Viewing 1 - 5 out of 5 Blogs.
I had alot of things going on in my head mostly about me and my life thus far. First I want to talk about how I became a loner. I didn't choose to be a loner, it was just a lifestyle that i fell into because of the constant bullying, and now i'm trapped because I've adapted to it. I tried to make friends, but i dont know how to act around them...i feel very uncomfortable so i always back out when they invite me to hang out. I feel like I cant ever relate to anyone even though we do have common interests cuz in the end, I will end up being bored. I consider myself a boring person. In the end I always end up alone. I am afraid of making a stupid fool out of myself because I'm NOT outgoing and I am not a fun person. I can talk to ppl online and be friends with them, but if they want to meet up, I am very hesitant to do that cuz i always act different in person when i am not in my comfort zone. Whats wrong with me? How come I can't seem to be myself with people? Now I don't know anything about dating people, I am still confused about my sexuality.
Most times, I just do what everyone wants me to do. Its like I make everyone else happy but I don't really make myself happy. I act the way they think I should, say things they think I should say. I don't really think I am me. There is a shell that's been placed around me that has forced me to do certain things a certain way. I been that way mostly my whole life basically. I want so bad to be that person that is peaceful and that everyone likes but it didn't work that way. I am very shy, submissive, go-do, type of person.. How can that really be me, when alone or away from them, I'm straight up, I can very very blunt at times but I don't say anything to people because I don't want to get cussed out or something and that would make my heart pound. When I get in trouble, when I am afraid of something, My heart start to pound really hard. Its like I don't know how to respond to most situations and when I respond to situations, I always sound confused like I don't know what I am talking about. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I am so secluded that I gotten so much comfortable with it and I feel very suicidal every single day.
Another thing I want to talk about is my hate towards most black men. I been bullied by only black people. I been demeaned really bad by mostly black guys. I hate guys so much. I am just too bitter to even give a fuck. In middle and high school, I was constantly being bullied, I was constantly being talked about, I would have guys point at me and call me ulgy names. I hated that. I just hate how guys are, I hate guys period. I find comfort in women. Women are more caring and compassionate and understands me but not those bitchy black women. People always tell me hate doesn't solve anything but I say hate gives more control and power. I don't like to be around alot of black people and I don't like to be around men, well mostly black men that is. Guys are just demeaning assholes. Maybe thats why I rather be with a woman.
I have so much paranoia that I assume that people don't want to be around me or I may be annoying people too much or there must be something wrong with me. I always feel like I should just disappear. I just want someone to love me really bad even though I don't love myself. I want that intimate love from a guy or a female. I picture having a gentlemen holding me in his arms and telling me that everything is ok. I visualized a female kissing me passionate, a want a female to be my Ashley to my Spencer (If any of you watched south of nowhere).
My problem is that I hold grudges, I don't forgive, I get mad really fast, I get offended with every single thing but I don't say anything. I just want to kill someone. I just want to walk somewhere and kill someone. But I will never kill anyone though. Its not worth it. It would be a tragedy if someone was to shoot me. I always had those feelings. I just want to get revenge on the people that did me wrong so bad. My feelings may sound childish but hey I can't help it. I rather vent my childish feelings here than rant them to the people around me.
I like thoughts, it allows me to be myself without anyone in person confronting me about my journals.
This happened at school. I was on break. I went to the library to talk to a friend that works at the library. I come from break an hour late. Then I come in the lab class and my teacher tells me that Mrs. C wants to see me to fill out these surveys. This one girl told me where you been? Was the library fun?", What were u doing at the library. The way she said it turned me off. She is always assuming that me and this other girl is gay and that we like each other. I yelled and cussed at her and told her to stay out of my muthafucking business. For some reason she is always talking about me and picking at me. And then I go back to the other class while everyone is in the lab. Then like 20 minutes, that girl I yelled at comes in the classroom and she is all up in my face and poo saying I don't appreciate you disrespecting me like that, blah blah blah and I told her ulgy fat @$$ that I don't appreciate her getting all in my business. My heart was beating so fast. I also got tired of her picking at me. People kept saying she likes me or something but I think they are just playing. I don't care if its a joke or not, I would still get offended. She kept running her nasty @$$ mouth blah blah blah. The At the end of the "argument", she says something abt I am gay, it is what is it or something like that. Why would she say that? Even if I was gay, I would NOT want her ulgy fat ass. Nothing wrong with being gay. If I were a lesbain, that would be cool. But this female is NOT all that pretty to me, she is a ulgy fat bitch!!!!
Point is that, this stuff reminds me of high school and middle school bullying. Maybe I was wrong for yelling at her and cussing at her but she is wrong too and all the times that she did me wrong. I am tired of being pushed around and being disrespected all the time. People can do this to me but I can't with anyone else. That is so ####### up. That 817c# is too ulgy anyways for me to go lesbain for her.
Over the yrs, people always ask me why I smile all the time. I wonder this myself. Then a couple of days ago, I realize that I smile all the time and sometimes laugh for no reason is because I long so much to be outgoing. I long to be have a lot of confidence and know my way with people. I long to host parties. I long to party hardy like it was 1800.. I long for everyone to highly respect me. I long to have a lot of great men or even women to be all over me. I long to know myself. I long for people to do anything to please me even a guy. I long to be that female that is special to a man. I long so much to be. But its so hard to get over this over controlled personality. I wish I was resilient. No wonder why I was called slow or a retard because I laugh and smile, mostly for no reason at all.
I am so haunted of my horrific past, the seven long yrs of misery and loneliness. Here is my story: Ever since the 5th grade, I been bullied verbally, and psychologically. I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. I never looked right, I have extreme ance, I never had the right clothes. I had a few friends but they didn't know how to relate to me because they wasn't being bullied like I was. They treated me like I was slow or something. I was always crying. People would call me names like monkey, ulgy, and it followed me to middle school.
In sixth grade, it followed me because most of the ppl from elementary went to my middle school and high school. But anyways I was always getting picked on and talked about. So many people kept saying that I was retarded because I guess it was because I wasn't like everyone else. Then Later in 6th grade, I started pulling my hair out. I didn't know why I was pulling out my hair. But I know it felt really good and I guess thats how I gain pleasure to stay away from the pain I was going thru at school. Then after a while, I started getting big bald spots and people starting noticing. I kept having hair extensions to cover up what I have done. No ONE knew that I pulled my hair, NOT even my parents until last year.
Seventh grade (worst year of my life) I had to wear a wig because I pulled mostly like 90% of my hair. Long story short, People bascially call me out on my hair, guys called me demeaning names. I can vividly remember that this one boy guy pulled my wig off. I was so damn embarrassed, I cried and cried. I can't even describe how I felt. When I make a mistake, people want to fight me or talk about me but when other ppl that are the "cool" ones make a mistake, its like they never done it. NO one liked me. Its like people can do and say anything they want to me and I can't do nothing or I didn't know what to do. Its like when someone is in the wrong to me and I tried to tell them off, they want to use my hair to put me down or to shut me up. I felt like I was in a black hole where NO one wanted to be friends with me, NO body liked me. And then 8th grade, it got alittle bit better but I was still being bullied. And I became so confused about my sexuality, I think I found comfort in women because to me guys were so demeaning and worse then a bunch of dogs or jerks. Then In 8th grade, everything was going against me, I thought that I be better off dead. I tried to kill myself with pills and some bleach drunken with it but the pills were vitamins. I was so damn mad but yet glad that I didnt die. But in a way I still want to die.
In high school, 9th grade thru the 11th grade, long story short, people did the same thing. I became a loner. I was still pulling out my hair. I was always so sad and depressed all the time, I separated myself from people because people would highly talk about me and judge me and which is why I started talking about ppl because I feel like I can't do wrong but other ppl can do wrong. I learned my lesson. I also became angry because all that anger I had from middle school, I never acted on my anger but then in high school I did. I kept having an attitude with people and with my parents becuase I was so angry but then Like always people always gotta use my hair to put me down or to shut me up. Then my 12 grade year, which was last year, I begged my mama to put me in another school because I didn't want to be miserable at that ghetto @$$ school. Then I went to a school high school and everything was great but inside, I was a loner and I was still sad and miserable. I am still am today. I am still extremely reserved, I have social anxiety, I don't like to be around groups of people that much. I feel like Im NOT gon make it in life because of what happen to me and how I am right now. Sad, miserable, depressed. I am trying to do better and improve but the situation I am in right now its so hard to change. Now its hard for me to be outgoing. I longed to be outgoing and alot more socialable so much but just me being overly quiet (over-controlled) that is really stopping me. I control my emotions way to much, in other words I can't be myself, I don't even knw how to be myself. there is so much more of me but this blog will be too much longer.
I don't even know how to explain these feelings. Everytime I go to school or work, I feel like the weakest one there. Its like I am back in high school and middle school but in a different way. I hardly talk to anyone but I just say a common daily hey or hello when spoken to but I sorta hate doing that. I hated how I was treated and how I let others treat me. Middle and high school was in a period span of 7 yrs meaning I just graduated high school last year. Its like I don't know how to respond when someone says anything that is offensive to me or something. I guess I am a person of peace. Im a very peaceful person. But Inside of me, I am dead. I don't have no emotion, well it seems like I don't. I hold all my emotions in until the last minute because at the moment I wouldn't know how to deal with them or respond to them at that time.
Things changed but nothing really changed. I am still depressed and sad. Idk why. I just want to be heard. It seems like no one really cares about what I have to say but I have to care about what others have to say. Recently everyday I go to bed, I crave and dream of someone loving me, caring for me, I even fantasize being social, being friends with almost everyone. I fantasize having a true real friend that I can do almost anything with basically. I even cry sometimes, I don't even know why but maybe I do but I can't put it into words. I can't seem to put these type of feelings into words.
You know what? I should just go ahead and die. I should look for some poisons to kill myself in a peaceful way. I am better off dead. I will be much happier dead. Death always brings a smile on my face. Death would bring me so much peace knowing that I won't have to deal with this anymore. I hate my life right now .
|
