So I had my second therapy appointment today. I did all my 'homework'. The journal and the log, while boring and slightly tedious, were easy enough. She looked through my log and pointed out how all my activities are solitary and that I basically run on the schedule of someone who works the night shift.

Going out an extra day was a bit harder. I was hoping my parents would go somewhere during the weekend and I could just tag along, but they didn't and I ended up going to CVS and Taco Bell on Sunday. She didn't think that counted. I'm supposed to go somewhere more social. I'm supposed to tag along with my mother if she goes somewhere.

My last task was writing about myself and as I'd dreaded, she made me read it aloud. She fixated on the 'I don't trust easily part'. She asked if I'd ever been attacked or sexually assaulted and when I said no asked if anyone I knew had ever been through it. I made the mistake of mentioning that my mother had gotten physically attacked by this dumb whore when I was about 12. She kept wanting details about it, but as I barely remember it, I couldn't tell her much. She kept on about it and wants me to write about it for next time. I know I'm not the doctor, but I really don't think this has affected me in any way. I was the shy, anxious type before that. My brother and sister were actually there when it happened and they're perfectly normal. My mother doesn't have trust issues because of it or lock herself inside. I have no fear of wandering around the streets thinking someone's about to jump out at me. I meant it more as not trusting people in terms of relationships. I think they just want to use me to get something else or I'm going to tell them personal things and they'd later use that to make fun of me. I'm more fearful of anything emotional than anything physical. I'm also supposed to write a new list about 5 things I like about myself or to pretend I like these things about myself. I'm supposed to take from things people have said they like about me. I really despise talking about myself.

One of the first things she went into was my outward appearance. She pointed out that I sit in a way that makes me appear as small as possible. She said that just because I was anxious on the inside, I didn't have to appear this way on the outside. She made me straighten up and throughout the session would point at my feet if I lapsed and let them point in. I'd smile when she did it and she pointed that out as well and said it showed I had a good sense of humor. She tell me to straighten up whenever I started to slump and also pointed out my unnoticed habit of slumping to the right. Odd. I'm supposed to work on sitting properly from now on. She also mentioned my low voice and that I should work on speaking louder. It's such a pain because even when I think I've spoken loudly and clearly people always go 'What? What did you say' and my confidence is shot. She also asked if I hide behind my hair, which I do. Mostly for vain reasons.

I also mentioned that I have an interview tomorrow so she talked about that some. She said that I have to have a positive Internal Dialogue. Don't I know this. It's going to be hard to pretend that nothing rides on the interview tomorrow, when my financial stability actually does. My savings run out next month. She asked me to think of someone I'd like to be like and when I couldn't pick a person she chose my mother. She said to just pretend like I'm acting and be outgoing and friendly like my mother. Really, if I could do that I would have gotten a job beforehand. I can fake it for a little while, but I just fall apart after a several minutes. It's hard to figure out what to say while pretending to be something you're not. She said I should look up interview tips online, which I've done before. Overall, I don't think she told me anything I didn't know concerning interviews. I know what I should be like, I just fail not matter how much effort I put into it.

That's pretty much all I remember. True to my ADD self, I space out sometimes. This is long enough I suppose so maybe it's better if I don't remember all the little details.

I feel confused and discombobulated afterwards and I don't know exactly why. I know it's a difficult process, but...I don't know.

I have to go worry about my interview now. Worry that I'll be too awesome!

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So, I saw a psychologist today. I guess I'm in therapy now. It was difficult to discuss myself with a real live person. She was just getting my background and symptoms and that was hard enough. I can't imagine how future sessions are going to go. I'm paying out of pocket. I'm still unemployed and nearly broke, so I'll be charging it on a credit card. I asked to meet every other week because I'll max out the card soon if I go in every week. This is going to send me deeper into debt, but I figure I have to try something.

She gave me some homework:
1. write a description of myself (ick)
2. keep a journal
3. keep a daily log of how I spend my day
4. go out an extra day each week

Not too taxing so far, but I know I'll be getting more anxiety inducing assignments as the weeks go on. I don't look forward to it, but I don't think I should spend the rest of my life in my room. I need to be able to at least function well enough to get a job I like and do some of the things I want to do. She's also referring me to a psychiatrist so I can get some meds. She said I wouldn't take them all the time. I actually wanted the every day ones. I should have made it clearer that it's not just situational anxiety.

Afterwards I had some time to kill so I finally went to watch The Dark Knight. It was good. Heath Ledger was excellent in it and I hope he gets the nomination. Christian Bale...his Batman voice threw me. Michael Caine's near-Cockney accent also distracted me a bit. But overall it was entertaining.

In the afternoon I had an interview at Borders. Now I love books, but I don't think at 24 I should be getting a job at Borders. Everyone else there is like 12. The interview ended up being in the middle of their cafe. We were surrounded by people. I was already feeling down and this didn't help. I garbled my responses and wasn't as enthusiastic as I should have been. I don't think I'll be hearing back from them. I really don't think it's best to go to an interview after a therapy session.

I was supposed to browse some job listings tonight, but I feel all out of sorts.

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So, I'm still unemployed. I probably should have never quit my job. Being miserable, but having money is much better than being broke and anxious.

I'm going to my 3rd employment agency on Monday. Frankly, I don't trust these people. The 1st one did nothing for me and I haven't heard anything from the 2nd. I'm picky and I don't think they can do anything for me.

Besides the money, I really have no desire to work. I do not want to go outside.  The longer I stay in, the harder it is to go out. Right now I'm going to this volunteer thing I signed up for. It's every Wednesday night for three hours doing admin stuff. It's slightly torturous because it forces me outside and amongst people. I'm hoping having this one thing to do will make it easier when I find work and have to go back to spending 8 hours in an office with other people.

I managed to make small talk with one of the other two girls that does admin stuff with me. We discussed the quarter-life crises. She has been having one for two days. I told her I'd been having one for about 2 years.  Leaving is always awkward. Most of them go out for drinks aftwerwards so they're all gathered around and I don't even know most of them. I don't know whether to leave quietly or try to say goodbye. Maybe it'll get easier. I dunno. I'm hoping I win the lottery someday soon so I can continue to live the life of a city hermit.

My brother's starting culinary school in the spring. I went with him this morning to cosign for his loan, which is why I was awake at 7am after having gone to bed only two hours before(he's indebted to me for the rest of his life). So yay for him. The school is brand new...the chairs still had tags on them and the library books were still in boxes. Funny enough, I applied for the front desk position there a while back.

Now I'm going to go pop out these contact lenses, stuff my face with a fruit tart and then pass out.

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So, I went a bit insane and quit my job today. No notice, I just packed my things and went on my way. Well, at least I tried to go on my way.

My 'supervisor' had been getting on my nerves for a while now...I felt she treated me like I was a child or was simple-minded, and I am neither. I was a good worker and I didn't need her bothering me and distracting me from my duties. She was basically on a power-trip and I didn't suck up like the others, so we weren't getting along at all. She'd been especially irritating this week (I'd already told her to stop coming over to tell me I needed to get my computer fixed earlier in the week. I'm pretty sure I know to contact IT when I have a problem and I don't need someone to come over 5 times to tell me.) and this morning I just plain out ignored her and she said 'OK, we need to have a meeting because this can't go on. Come meet me at my cubicle.' I kept doing my work because I don't know about her, but I was busy and would rather get my work done than go around wasting people's time.  So she leaves and then she comes back and tells me again 'You need to come to my cubicle now.' I told her I was busy and she kept telling me to stop what I was doing and to go to her cubicle. So I told her whatever she had to say she could do it right there. She kept saying I had to go to her cubicle. I kept saying she could say whatever she had to say right there because really what it the point of me walking all the way to the other side of the building to her 'cubicle'. It's just another of her little ways of saying 'I have power over you'. She kept standing over me telling me to drop my work until I grabbed my cell phone, said I was on my break and walked away. She said she was going to go call our company and that I was to go to her cubicle.

I went to the bathroom and called my mother...I was sobbing so I freaked her out a bit. I told her I wanted to quit my job and she said not to stay somewhere I wasn't happy and that my dad would come pick me up. I went back to my cubicle and put all my things in a bag and walked over to the other part of the building to say goodbye to my friend. I stopped to say goodbye to someone else and she tried to talk me out of it and followed me to my friend's cubicle. She knew I was unhappy at work so when she saw me she knew what I'd done. I'd planned to go quietly, but I ended up with a huddle of women around me trying to dissuade me from leaving this way. Even the district director walked by and stopped to see what was going on and she tried to talk me out of it too. I was taken to the side by other supervisors who also tried to talk me out of it, but I wasn't going to go back once I'd said I was leaving. Apparently a real supervisor is starting in 3 weeks, but really I'd had enough. Another higher-up took me to his office and it was a little awkward, but he made some calls to see if there were openings upstairs and told me I could use him as a recommendation. While I was in there he got a call saying my 'supervisor' wanted to see me. I thanked him and I went to turn in my ID and went to the file room. She was there and started once again to say 'Come back to my cubicle with me.' I said 'No, my dad is waiting outside for me.' So she told me I needed to turn in my ID and call the company to tell them I quit. She really needed me to walk back there to tell me that?

I thanked the director on my way out and said goodbye to some people and went to find my dad. He was telling me not to worry because there are tons of jobs out there. When I got home my mother told me that I didn't go to school to take poo from anyone. So at least they've been supportive.

I called the company twice, but no one picked up. I left a message the second time saying I'd called, but no one called me back. I think I'm just going to write an email.

Leaving this job without having another one lined up wasn't the brightest thing to do. Job-hunting terrifies me and I've been trying to find a new one for a while and haven't had any success. I have 0 confidence and don't think I'm qualified for anything. I have a weak resume and I'm horrible at interviews. When they saw I was set on leaving, a few people told me they'd give me recommendations, but I feel a little weird using people from the job I just walked out of. It's possible they'll think it over and realize I'm a nutter. I'm sure there will be a meeting concerning this and she won't have nice things to say about me. But I know that a lot of other people liked me and had good things to say about me, so maybe I won't look so bad.

I don't think what I did fully hit me until now and I'm feeling depressed and anxious. I have credit card bills and student loans to pay and I have meager savings.

I'm not really sure what to do with myself right now.

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I am back from the NYC. My laptop isn't fixed, but I don't want to part from it. It is at least functioning now.

I had an ok time. I spent most of Thursday waiting for my cousin and her friend to get to the hotel...her luggage put on another flight, then the shuttle to the hotel screwed them over and left them at a subway station. She didn't get there til 10 pm.

Most of the time I wanted to come back home, but I had to pretend I was having an awesome time. I felt like a complete social retard. I didn't have anything to add to conversations. Things got even more awkward when my cousin's friend contacted her friend in the city. We went to dinner with him and I said all of 5 words. I don't think he liked me. Some people at least try to make you talk, but all he did was discuss financial stuff with the other girl. I know nothing about financial stuff so I just sat there. Then he brought us to a club, which was again a lot of me standing there quiet. That's apparently a turn-on to men because I got hit on the most :p A guy, who I named Borat, was all up on me and whispered to me that he looked better with his shirt off. I said, 'No, thanks.' We didn't get back to the hotel til 5am. Clubs are just horrible. I don't know how people can enjoy those places.

I did love Central Park. It's beautiful there. The Met was nice too. I got to see a painting by Vermeer, Young Woman with a Water Pitcher. They had some nice Asian art too. We went to the UN and that was interesting, though the other two were a lot more excited than I was to be there. My must-see was the Cloisters, which is a small museum of medieval art and stuff. It's set in this beautiful location. Since it was my special place, something had to go wrong. There were cars parked along the road next to the museum and I happened to look into one. There sat a fat man spanking the monkey. That image will forever be burned into my brain. That was not how I imagined my first encounter with a naked man would be. I imagined a lot of booze and dimmed lights, but that's another story. But it's ok. I got to see the unicorn tapestry I so badly wanted to see.

We also saw Rockefeller Center, groped the bull on Wall Street, visited Ground Zero. Wandered around Chinatown, had dinner in Little Italy, lunch in the Village. We wandered around Times Square and saw Grand Central Station. The typical touristy things.

Our last night, my cousin's friend's friend took us out for fondue, which was damn delicious. I was awkward again and talked to my cousin only while the other three discussed American Airlines. The fondue was awesome though. I dropped about half the things I tried to dip. We also had yummy apple martinis.

Monday finally came. My flight was delayed of course. I got home from the airport much later than I thought I would. I barely slept the whole time there and I was so exhausted so I skipped work today. Naughty I know. Apparently next week is Thanksgiving, so there's another day off! I really wish I didn't have to go back there. I hate that job. I feel a bit lonely now. NY is very coupley. I should get some chocolate.

There's a few more pictures on my flickr. Tata.

http://www.flickr.com/gp/8296182@N06/8w7202

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...for all the birthday wishes everyone :)

I wasn't going to be on for a little while because I'm going away to NYC from thurs-mon, but I"ve broken my laptop, literally, and will have to take it in for repair. This means that they'll keep it for 2 weeks, then tell me the warranty doesn't cover the damage, and I'll end up deciding that for what they're charging I might as well get a new laptop. I'm on my third laptop in about 5 years. Basically, I shouldn't be allowed to own one.

So...goodbye for a while

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so so tired

work drove me crazy this week...literally

slept horribly last night and the public transportation system screwed me this morning, repeatedly

work exhausted me

yay for three day weekend

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I wrote this long blog and clicked submit and IE died. I hate my laptop and it's 817c# fits. It was probably for the best since my work rant was long and boring. In short, the 'supervisor' has let power go to her head and she needs to chill out. I've been doing this for a year and think I know what needs to be done and by when a lot better than she does. She's irritating me and I'm non-confrontational and all, but she's going to make me say something nasty.

We had a ceremony today so I got to escape the file room. I was seating people when I felt a tap. I turned and it was a hs friend I hadn't seen in about two years. She was getting naturalized. She got married last year and she's now very pregnant. We exchanged numbers. She's having a girl...I get to go buy a cute pink outfit now. Everyone had been having boys.

I 'networked' today. One of the officers is opening his own law office and I jokingly said 'Take me with you, please!' My coworker, though, told him he should and he actually asked if I could speak another language and where I lived. Kinda nifty. I could never see myself working in a lawyer's office, though...too fast-paced and stressful. Plus I can't handle phones. He'll forget anyway, unless I nag him, which I won't

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