I hate moving, but sometimes it's a necessary evil.

We need more space, we have done the 5 people in 800 sq ft for almost 3 years, but man it would just be nice to have some breathing room.

 So we found this great little house about 2 miles away, 4 bedrooms, almost double the size of our last house. so we took it.

We get the keys and get all packed up, show up at the house to find out the owner never had the house cleaned or painted!

so now we have boxes everywhere, but we can't put stuff away until we clean first, and oh ya it's nasty. real nasty

your house is suppose to be safe, and comfortable. But right now all it's doing for me is giving me anxiety. 

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I have always been the "quiet kid", all through out school, and now into my adult life. When I was younger I thought is was just simply that, that I choose to be quiet, and reserved. It was much easier to isolate myself, then to have to force myself into a group. I still have painful memories of high-school "group" projects. I realize now that it's more than just being quiet, it's social anxiety. 

I come from two parents, both of whom had tough social circumstances when they were growing up. My dad was taught to never talk or ask questions to his father, and my mom was taught she's not as good as boys, and their opinions matter more then hers.

SA has effected everything in my life. I have missed relationships because I couldn't communicate the way I felt, I have missed promotions at work because I didn't build working relationships and ask the right questions. And most importantly it effects my wife who can become very frustrated with me when I respond to her question with another question so I don't have to give an opinion.

Coming to SAF was a decision for me to take some kind of control. I have lived to long being controlled by social fear. I have avoided myspace for years because of the ideas of making friends and letting people know personal information. I am  on a journey to not let SA run my life and I am making progress.

I started having lunch about 3 months ago with a friend of mine who is older and wiser. We talk about life, God, and dreams. This has been a huge step. I have made an intention choice to confront the SA in my life, and force myself to open up to the people closest to me. My wife even mentioned last week that something is changing in me. She doesn't know what it is, but she likes it. I have made it a rule in my life to talk to my kids about everything, everyday. Because I know if I don't talk to them all I am  doing is reproducing myself.

I know not everyone believes in God, there is especially  a high number of people with SA that don't. I think it's from years of loneliness and fear, and if there was a God why would he  create me this way and let me suffer. I do believe, and it's my faith that encourages me to change. I know that I am not strong enough on my own to change the way I act, I have tried in the past and it's painful. I also know I want to love people the way I see Jesus loving people in the bible, not religiously, not as I'm better than you, but as a sincere love of "What can I do to help you" or "I've been there, I know what your going through"

So thats a part of my story, if you took the time to read this, THANK YOU.

I would love to hear apart of your story too.

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So I just got promoted at work from a graphic design to an IT tech, which is a good thing. But with the promotion comes a lot more social stress.

Right now I sit in a small office in the corner where I can only see 2 other people all day, and I seriously can go all day with out saying a word to anyone.

But my Boss just told me today that I was going to have to change my desk over to the large office with about 25 people, all of who I will be interacting with everyday. The bad part is that now I have till next week to stress about it.

So it's either a bad thing, because it will be more social pressure then I can handle.

Or a good thing, I hope, because it will force me out of my comfort zone and it may be painful at first, but hopefully I get use to having to start conversations.

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I never thought I had social anxiety, it was just one of those silly things that people labeled themselves so they didn't have to deal with their real problems.

I think I'm finally at a point where I am strong enough to say, it's me.

But I don't have to be ashamed or feel out of place, it doesn't define who I am really am, it just effects the way I interact with the world. 

I hope for me, this brings some new insight and possibilities. 

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