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Time for my exposure therapy #3.. wearing hot pants to a show.  Sweet jesus what was I thinking?!!!  I have been freaking out all week!  This has actually been more involved than I was expecting.  I've had to go to tons of stores to find the rest of my outfit.  Stores are one of my biggest SA things.  Hate stores!  Hate Hate Hate!!  I normally avoid them at all costs.  It's been pretty good for me to have to go to so many.  Still completely freak out but at least I know I can do it!

I had a dream last night that I was trying to kill myself.  I kept fighting with myself.  I'm supposed to be working on getting better so I'm not allowed to do things like that but at the same time I had an overwhelming need to hack on my arm with a razor.  Now I'm having issues today.  I guess even dreams can be triggers.  It's weird how cutting becomes like an addiction.  I'm doing perfectly fine today but still I'm feeling the need to cut.  Going to have to try and keep myself busy tonight so I don't try anything stupid.

I just found out my whole family is coming up next weekend.  Been planned for months and no one bothered telling me.  I'm going down to Hollywood this weekend for a show.  I told my mum and gramma about it weeks ago and they still said nothing about the family get together.  I'm pretty pissed right now.  I'm always left out.  Last year my grandparents went on vacation without telling me they'd be gone.  Freaked me out pretty good when they didn't come home the first night.  I don't get it.  Apparently it's too much trouble to walk to my room and tell me about these things.  Oh well.. it's going to be so much more fun going to Hollywood than hanging out with my family.

Seroquel seems to be crapping out on me.  Haven't been able to sleep much lately.  Takes forever to fall asleep and then manage to wake up about 10 times a night.  Well last night was even harder thanks to my room staying at a nice 90 degrees all night.. plus the ######## nocturnal birds who have taken up residence right outside my window and won't shut up.  Also noticed my moods are swinging a bit harder than usual.  Going to try upping from 200mg to 225mg and see if that does the trick.  Though that's not going to be a permanent solution if it craps out every 6 months.  Really don't want to have to switch meds again.  This has been the only one with livable side effects.

My best friend seems to be developing a coke habit.  I'm hoping it's going to be a short lived thing but knowing him it's not likely.  Doesn't help that he now has easy access to it.  I had a front row seat watching what that sh!t did to my dad.  I can't be around it again.  It changes people into assholes.  Last night was just weird.  I'm sure I'll sound like a hypocrite.. coke bad shrooms ok.. but yea the plan was just to shroom but then his "dealer" showed up a week early.  Granted I don't know what "normal" coke use it but I figure it's pretty bad if yr going to the bathroom to throw up then immediately doing another line.  I would of just left but driving while hallucinating isn't the best idea.  Night ended with him getting uh inappropriate.. not sure how to go about saying that.  I'm half pissed and half worried because he's not that kind of guy

I can't remember the last time I had 3 days off in row.  Hell I can't even remember the last time I had 2 days off in a row.  I'm looking forward to it but I'm also a mite worried.  Too much down time always leads to me thinking too much and getting depressed.  That's why I've been really liking working 6 days a week.  Keeps my sleep schedule regular and keeps me productive.  Got tomorrow filled up at least.  Going to hang out with Andy.  We're going to BBQ, watch fireworks and see Wall E!

Warning: Somehow this turned into the longest blog in existence but there are pretty pictures to skim though.

This was one insane, fun packed weekend!  Started off Saturday at work.  I hate Saturdays.  I work 6 days a week so by the time Saturday rolls around I'm a zombie and hating everything.  It would be in yr best interest to wear a helmet if you run into me on the weekends because I can't guarantee yr juicy, juicy brain's safety.

Hopped onto Bart and made my way into the city.  Spent most the afternoon at Andy's finishing up that nights sticks.  I'm still learning how to paint so I'm really slow at it.  Since I was rushing the vertical stick turned out total crap.. rushing and that what I had pictured in my mind so did not transfer to real life.  We always write hidden messages under the grip tape and vertical got "haaate you stick" with a grr face.

Andy went more over the top than usual and painted a whole mic stand.  It turned out amazing! 

I think we're pretty lucky that we get to give something back to our fav band.. that they let us give back.  I'm not exactly able to put my feelings into words.. can't put anything into words for that matter.. so it's always been my thing to make gifts for people as a way of saying thanks for what you add to my life.  Couple that with how much I've needed something else besides my own faltering life to focus on this year.  These little art projects have been the perfect escape and about the only thing keeping me sane.  uhh I think there was a point in there somewhere.

Headed out at about 6 for Dolores Park for the Dyke March.  Massive crowd of course but didn't seem like as many people as last year.  Met up with some of Andy's friends and hung out for a bit.  Got to love SF.. can smoke and drink outside without anyone batting an eye.

Dykes as far as the eye can see!

Some people have no shame..

Thanks to the dude whose Bronco I stood on to see the kick off of the march.  Dykes on Bikes vroom!

We walked along a little ways but had to head back to Andy's to pick up the fun for next weekend.  I love the signs people make!

As we're walking back to Andy's a chic flags us down yelling "Von Iva!  Von Iva!"  Took a minute to make the connection but it was another fan we've seen at a few shows.  I think that is a sign that we go to too many shows.  Maybe it's just a sign we're made of awesome.  Yea that's it.  Good thing we ran into her though because she didn't know about the show!

Got a quick nap in before heading out to the show.  It was a very special show because not only was it pride, but it was at 12 Galaxies the first place we ever saw them and it was my 17th time seeing them so they over took Sleater-Kinney as the band I've seen the most times!  It's really crazy because with S-K it was over 4 years and 5 states.  This has been since August o_O

4 band line up.. VI, Sassy, Hot Tub and El Fay.  I'm still not sure what I think about El Fay.  There were parts when I though they were interesting and other parts felt like it was dragging. 

Used the break between bands to deliver the loot.  Jillian really seemed to like the stand.. but then who wouldn't!  Even I got an off the ground bear hug! She headed to the door and tried to get us a refund for our tickets haha  Still the best reaction was when I gave Kelly the sticks and she promptly stuffed them down the front of her shirt and said she should just wear those and go topless.  Then my brain exploded at that image.  Hasn't recovered yet. Talked to them all for a bit.. or I should say Andy did.  I think I managed a word or two.  This is getting ######## annoying.  I'm actually attempting to talk to people lately but my anxiety will have none of that.  Seizes up my brain so that even if I do manage a few words it comes out as stutters.

Up next was Hot Tub.  Oh Hot Tub.  High school talent show meets spandex explosion.

Met up with another front row regular during the break.. Mr Andy.  Really nice guy with a drool worthy cam who takes amazing pics.  Sassy was up next.. was their record release party.  I really like them.. seen them a few times now.  A fun, rock duo.  Stayed in the back for the first part of their set because it had been a long day of drinking and smoking and I was starting to feel it.  We all made a break for the front about half way through to make sure we got front row for VI.  Started getting into the dancing spirit.  They were having a lot of problems with the mic stand so Andy picked a good night to bring one.

I was nerded up for this show.. my good cam and both recorders.  I figured if I brought both then there would be a slight chance of one of them actually working.. and surprisingly both did though Andy is no longer allowed within the mics range :p  First thing when they get on stage Jillian kicks a cup of water that 95% of went on me and my cam.  Must of been one giant @$$ cup because it drenched me!  It's a good thing I decided to wear 2 shirts that night or see through would of been an understatement. 

Amazing set of course.  They seemed even more on than usual.. if that's even possible.  Got to hear another new song!  Granted I haven't heard it as many times as Emerald Eyes but I'm pretty sure I like it more.  Feels blasphemous to say that!  Has a real disco feel to it. (yea now that I've listened to the recording 50 million times I can say with confidence that Livin Fo' It is the best song ever)  This makes 4 songs off the new album now.. well I'm hoping Emerald Eyes is from the album and not movie.  Shaping up to be ######## unbelievable! 

Other random things my drunken mind managed to remember.. got a thanks from Jillian in between songs.  As much as I'd like to take credit for the stand, that was all Andy.  Another insane version of No Man.  This time with a really long pause during the extendo ending so at first it sounded like the start of a new song.  The guy who is usually forgets to wear a shirt to shows got drug up on stage then attacked by the Hot Tub girls.  He lost his shirt and pants in the process.  One chic was determined to get good pics by actually going up on stage to take them.  Was quite.. odd.  The triumphant return of Hot Stuff!  It seemed like the encore wasn't planned.  People were cheering and wouldn't leave so we got No Resistance.. which is awesome because it's my fav off that album and I'm hoping it doesn't get phased out already.

Pictures!  I really need to learn how all the settings work on my cam because it does close ups amazing but add in a little distance and low lighting and pics get blurry.  Or just wait until Andy does his patriotic duty and buys me a better lens before the terrorists win.



Working that stand



Some ######## muscles going on



4 keyboards weren't enough.. had to add in a tambourine too







Back up singers extraordinaire







His expression says it all



Kelly invited us to the after party but we were really ####### up by then so couldn't even attempt to go.  Picked up a pair of their pink hott pants on the way out.. which I am bound and determined to wear to a show.. along with my vodka IV.  Talk about literal exposure therapy o_O  Stumbled the 10 or so blocks back to Andy's and proceeded to stay up most the night drinking more anyways.

I actually didn't feel as bad as I was expecting in the morning.  Got up at about 10 to make it down to the parade.  Stopped by Starbucks for breakfast and got these awesome egg mcmuffin like things.. except made with actual food products.  Got to the parade a bit late so had to watch from 3-4 rows back. 

My fav sign



A close second



An entire float of Charos!  It's genius haha



I <3 freaks



My only complaint.. not enough half nekkid chics!



This one's for Nady hahaha



I don't know what a puppy pile is.. and I'm sure I don't want to know.. but I wanted to jump on that pile of stuffed doggies



Support yr local fairy dogs



I go to take a pic of myself and of course the battery in my cam dies.  Probably a good thing because even in the crappy cell pic I look half dead.  Be jealous of my awesome hoodie.



Wondered around for awhile after.  Oh my $&#^% it was crowded!  Narrowly avoided a panic attack by finding a bit of open space.  After my @$$ calmed down to a reasonable level we went to find Andy's friends Leah and Claudette.  I'm starting to get more comfortable around them.  Hung out by the main stage for quite awhile listening to some terrible lip syncers and one fun rock band.  Some lady walked by selling..



though I didn't dare try it in that crowd!  You would think by now that I'd know that my day glow self can't be in the sun longer than 2.5 seconds without burning.. let alone the entire ######## day without gallons and gallons of sunscreen.  My poor head is going to turn into one giant skin cancer. 



2nd degree burns aside.. it was the best pride ever!

Thought I'd post this over here too. Been making myself do really insane, terrifying things to fight SA. Here's my latest feat.. shoot can't post youtube vids.  Here's the link anyways..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA0wyI9bGt8

I am not going to survive this weekend.  On Friday I'm seeing Von Iva, Saturday seeing Sugar & Gold and Sunday seeing Tussle then jetting over to see Glass Candy.  Need to get the sticks done for Fridays show.  Had no idea when I started it was going to be so involved.  Almost got one done..

 

Have the other one outlined.. just have to paint it.  I'm leaving a multiple choice hidden message this time.. "Is this: A. A Post Modern Rainbow B. A Shroom Induced Fantasy C. Tetris Gone Wild Answer - All Of The Above"    I'm wasting time!  I have to paint!

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