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Long time no SAF.  I guess I took a little sabbatical from the site.  Sorry if anyone was wondering where I went, but I'm pretty much same old, same old, but with a twist of feeling a little bit better.  Some lovely doctor my friend knows saw me pro bono, (guardian angel) and I am now on prozac, which has definitely helped with my depression, yay.  Still working on the SA, but at least I feel comfortable around my own friends now.  I can even answer the phone when they call, lol.  Anywho, just wanted to drop by and say hey, and welcome to, I'm sure, the many people who joined while I was gone.  Oh yeah, I read a blog here where somone did karoke.  I did that for the first time about a month ago, and I highly recommend it for those who are at that stage in their SA recovery to venture out and do some "wild and crazy" activities...or if you are drunk enough..haha.  It was so much fun and surprisingly a real confidence booster (it doesn't matter if you can sing or if you are tone deaf :-)).  People clap and cheer, it's fun and silly.  I so can't wait to do it again :-)  Hope everyone is doing well, ciao!

Okay so my bf mentioned in passing a while ago about a holiday party that his office was having, but at the time he didn't know really where or when.  So about 3 or 4 days ago, he starts to tell me about it again, where it is, and how they are actually going to do an open bar at this bar/restaurant from 7-10pm, and even got his boss to include some higher end beers.  I was like that sounds fun, yada, yada. 

 With all this talk about the party and not a formal invite from him, I was like, "Am I allowed to go or is it just for employees?"  He says, "Yeah, you can come if you want" 

WHAT...I said,"do you not want me to go" and he was like no you can come, and I think he was annoyed that we were about to have a talk about his manners..lol.  I know he doesn;t mean to, but the things he says sometimes just kind of hurt my feelings, and I know it's not meant to be that way.

He told me a funny story about when he told a female co-worker about what happened.  After telling the story to her, she asked, how long did we talk about it.  He answered 15 min, which is  a gross overstatement...I would have to say about 2 min., lol.  Anyway, after hearing that she said that would have been a 4 hour conversation with her bf...haha. 

The party is tonight, hope it will be fun, hope there's enough to talk about, hope there will be some food so I don't get drunk too fast...lol. 

 I just wanted to thank everyone for all the Bday wishes.  It definitely made my day a little brighter  

Okay, so yesterday night, my left eye started to itch, and like a dumbass I start rubbing it.  That obviously irritated it more and it felt like something was in it, maybe an eyelash.  Then more stupidly I go to see if something was in there and irritated it more.  Why didn't I just try to wash it out with water?! 

I look at my eye closer in the mirror and the white part of it is totally blood shot and the left part of the white part looked swelled up...hard to explain, but totally scary.  Then the skin under my eye started to puff up.  My heart started to race and I felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.  I quickly got my boyfriend and the look on his face was concern.  I was like omg I don't want to go to the ER. 

Luckily he called his dad, who happens to be a non-practicing eye doctor.  He asked if I had any vision changes, my answer no.  Any sharp pain, my answer no. I was playing with my cat prior to the eye irritation and he thought it was just an allergic reaction, usually starts of with intense itchy sensation.  At his suggestion, I washed my eye with water, and put a cold compress on it.  My wonderful bf, went out to get me some benadryl, and soon the eyeball swelling went down a bit, and boy did it make me feel woosy

The skin below my eye was still puffy today, but it looks to be a lot better then last night.  That was so scary, I had no clue why my eye looked so freakish.  I hope it doesn't happen again.  I'm guessing is was maybe a piece of cat hair that got in my eye.  I've had her for over five years and never had an allergic reaction.  Well I'm so glad it was just that

I feel like SA makes me such a paranoid, delusional person.  It's like if only someone would actually make fun of me to my face I would know, or something to that effect.  I don't even think I would be upset, but more like relieved...finally knowing what I think is true...I knew I can read minds..lol.  So basically SA makes me think that everyone thinks I suck, I'm ugly, I wierd, insert other demeaning word.  It's like the opposite of narcissism, ok not really, but you know what I'm getting at.  Why can't I convince myself I am the greatest thing since sliced bread?  That would be a way better delusion.  That's it...I'm the greatest friggin' thing that ever graced this planet with it's presence...nope... I still don't believe it...oh well.

So I was walking out of my apartment today, and all I hear from above is someone clearing their throat in an attempt to hock a loogey.  I was like, oh crap, he's going to spit directly down on me, ewww.  The minute I passed the window, he spit right down on the walkway.  Um, is that not gross, rude and disgusting?!  Could he not have done that in his own apartment, maybe in his bathroom?!  I'm just glad I moved out of the way in time...sheesh

Okay, so today I told myself I'm going to go to the supermarket...alone.  Ahh!  And here I am and I still haven't gone.  It's not like I desperately need to get anything, but I did run out of a few items, mostly coffee  grinds and tea.  I love a good cup of coffee especially when I don't have to go out to get it. lol.  Why can't I seem to do anything without it being an utter neccesity to do.  It's getting cold out and not having a car makes it kind of suck to walk 5 or 6 blocks to the nearest store.  I wish I had a car, I think it would make doing and going places in my life more accessable.  I live in a city and got rid of my car before moving.  I didn't need the extra costs of having a car, I had my legs and ample public transportation.  Well apparently I really don't like to use them or whatever excuse I have for not using them.  Maybe I'm just lazy, but I think it's my stupid anxiety.  I know nothing bad will happen, but I can't shake the feeling that I'll look out of place or odd, which I know isn't the case.  The store is still open for a few more hours....maybe by then I'll have mustered up the courage/energy/motivation to go.

Ok so I didn't end up going to the supermarket...I felt so cold the thought of walking there seemed so unpleasant.  I think they finally turned the heat on in my building today, someone had to have complained...so now it's warm and I'm not chilled to the bone. I did however go get some hot chocolate from a place not too far away last night.  I think I just needed to get out of my apartment, I felt cooped up and bored. 

So tonight I'm going to a halloween party where I don't really know anyone, bf's coworkers.  I don't have any real costume to wear.  I figure I'll try and dress like a nerd, with a "kick me" sign on my back.  I'm really not in the mood to dress up.  I guess soon enough everyone there will be drunk, but I just don't feel like socializing tonight.  Hopefully it will be better then I'm thinking it will be.  Boo-urns.

Thanks for all the comments on my prior blog. :)  So last night wasn't so bad.  The dinner was in a hotel and it was catered.  We got there about 15 min late, but so did a bunch of others.  They were having cocktails in a separate room... got myself a whiskey sour.  I was introduced to many people... lots of handshaking, suprisingingly my hands were not sweaty :)  It wasn't so bad b/c a lot of people didn't know each other.  We were soon ushered into the main room.  The head of his company gave a looooong speech, and then another guy spoke....they gave out some awards for those who had been with the company for 5 years and more.  Someone at the table I was at got one, which was nice. About an hour and a half later dinner began to be served.  The conversation at our table was basically about what all of us were going to wear to one of my bf's coworkers halloween party.  So all in all it wasn't too stressful and I enjoyed myself   Now on to worrying about the halloween party...lol... which is this friday.

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