I think my SA is getting worse.  I was doing fairly well the last two months, but due to some setbacks (losing a friend, realizing that due to picking a lousy major and not doing anything worthwhile in college/workwise, no one will hire me), I just feel really depressed now.  I need to get a part-time job because I'm almost broke, but I couldn't even make myself get out of bed yesterday for hours, and didn't even go out.  Today, I managed to go out, but every place I went to, I began to panic and had to leave before I could ask if they were hiring.  What the h*** is wrong with me?  In the past, I've been nervous when applying for jobs, but I always managed to ask if the place was hiring, fill out an application, and turn it back in alright.  After the third place I went to, I gave up for the day, since I was in tears by then.

I guess thinking it over, I'm just so disappointed at how my life has turned out.  This is not even close to where I wanted to be at this point in my life.  Right now, I'm having to look into going back to school to get another degree, cause I f***ed myself over so badly getting the first one.  It's not in a field I hate or anything, but I have to give up my dreams for it, and I hate this.  I can't even get any time to deal with this, since my parents harass me constantly about what a failure I am and about how I don't have any money.  I worry myself sick about being so broke and never being able to pay back all the money I owe them and never being able to get out of the house.  And I can't even f***ing apply for a stupid pay-by-hour job.  Why would anyone hire me; I haven't worked for over a year.  Plus, I need to get a job that relates to my new major and I have no experience and barely any knowledge of the field.  No one will hire me.

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I take Omega-3 pills (the fish oil type), one every day, and I think their effect is wearing off. It's only been a month. I don't know if it's because I've been depressed recently or if my tolerance is risen, but what little stability and focus they gave me has gone away and I keep returning to that high-panicked state I was in the weeks before I started taking them.  Or possibly, they've reached their limits for now and hard as it is to admit, now I need to make more effort.  I tried taking a second one today (I'd only been taking one a day since I can't afford to buy a new bottle every month) but it didn't help.

This is a really bad time for this to happen (like there's a good time). I don't really want to get into the details of it, but last week, my friend revealed some very unplesant information which led to an ugly conflict between the two of us and now we're not friends anymore. The worst part was that she started lashing out at me about how I am and my behavior. She made it seem like I was proud of things I struggle with every day. That would be hurtful from anyone, but it was worse coming from her, because last month, I had tried to explain to her as best I could about my SA and related behavior because she was under the impression that I tend to act distant because I don't care, and not because it's very difficult for me to open up to people. She told me at the time that she understood and that she would try to be a better friend to me, but I guess she didn't really mean it. It was pretty clear from her responses that she'd been harboring resentment against my behavior for quite awhile.

So, I know it's ok to be sad about this, because she was my friend for three years and I liked her a good deal. And maybe it was best that it ended, since she had changed a good deal over the last year, and our life views are different now. Plus, I don't need friends who only support me when I agree with them. Still, I just don't know how to deal with this. I don't know if you can use the term in this way, but I feel broken hearted about it. I just can't believe she would act that way, either in the original conflict, or in what she said to me. Part of me wants to say to her "No, I don't care about what happened anymore. Please don't leave me." but that's not true, and I don't want to be her friend if she's going to act that way. And I don't think this is something that can be resolved, or at least not for a very long time.

It just really hit me today; I finally realized that it was really over. I had been ok with it before, and it didn't seem real to me even when I deleted her contact info from my phone and email and so on, but now...

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Sometimes I wonder if SAD (and AvPD) is something that only people who have it can really understand.  There are some disorders that I think that everyone can understand to a degree like depression, if only the feeling sad part, but there are obviously others where this wouldn't be applicable, like schizophrenia.  Obviously, not everyone is going to understand or be understanding of SAD beyond the shyness part and maybe things like being afraid to give a presentation in front of others.  Still, I think that explaining about the fears and self-loathing and why it's so difficult for you to do something really kind of goes over a lot of people's heads.  I guess it varies from person to person, and I've only really told one of my friends and hinted to a few others; my friends do know that there's something wrong with me socially, but I don't think they'd understand.  I don't think the person I explained myself to really understood either, or was not willing to.

The main problem at least in my case seems to be that because I tend to act so weirdly and have so many destructive tendencies that people tend to only focus on those attributes and ignore any good qualities.  After awhile, it always ends with them solely focusing on the bad and ignoring the good.  I'm just too screwed up for them and so they cut me off.  It's only been since last month that I've really started making an effort to redeem myself, but even for people who know that, they just can't get beyond how I've acted in the past.  It's understandable now since it's only been a month, but I seriously fear that years could pass and even if I've really improved, they still won't be able to look past how I was.  I guess that is partially their problem as well, but I still feel very alone with my problems except for on certain messageboards.

Anyway, I hope this didn't come off as something I should've posted on LiveJournal or that I was trying to depict myself as a victim (I really hope not for the second one).  I just feel very sad that someone who I thought might understand and who said that they would try to better understand just turned around and revealed how very disgusted they were with how I act.  Things like this remind me why I don't trust people.  

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