My mother is being even more bitchy and paranoid than usual... I can't do anything unless she thinks I'm emailing someone something negative about her! I can't read because she says I'm not being social enough. I can't play online games because she thinks they ruin computers. About the only activities I have been able to enjoy the past few weeks are playing with my daughter and working on the lawn once a week.

 I thought with my sister visiting that maybe my mother would give me a break or that I would atleast have a witness to her craziness,but it isn't working out that way.

  I am no longer allowed to use my mothers vehicle because adding me to her insurance raised it ten dollars,but she won't let me pay it either...it's just an excuse to keep tabs on me continuously...just like when I was a teenager! I just don't understand why she treats me this way. I have never gotten in trouble or done anything illegal,not even a speeding ticket. I'm not the partying kind because of the sad. For some reason though she always acts like I am some kind of criminal. The only thing I have done with a questionable outcome was getting pregnant. However I am almost 25,I was living with her father for over two years,and we were engaged,so really it isn't reason to punish me for it!!!!

  I'm running out of money!I have applied everywhere and there isn't a single place that is hiring. There was a factory that was considering since I have experience with some of the work,but there were fifteen others applying and I haven't heard anything in a week!!!  I keep hoping and praying that I recieve my insentive tax return but I still haven't. I looked up the number to call for information but my mother went crazy when she saw me about to call,she keeps saying I don't qualify,which is a lie! I think I have already recieved it and the 817c# signed my name over to herself and she put it in the bank,it wouldnt be the forst time she's ####### me over.

  I wish all of my anxieties would just disappear so I could be independent and get the hell away from my mother. I am so greatful for letting me live here with them,and for helping me take care of my daughter,but I can only take so much. It's getting to the point that I am questioning which is worse,being completely alone with a baby to take care of or living under my mothers roof. Then I realize that I can't afford to be on my own,I am in a strange new place, being alone all too often leads to panic attacks and depression, I don't want my daughter to have to go to day care while she is so young. All of the negatives of moving out are longer on the list than positives especially for my child. Looks like once again I have to suck it up and move on.

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  I'm waiting for my sister arrive. She's flying in from Nebraska. My mother didnt take her key with her so I get to set here and waste time until they get in. There were alot of delays because of severe weather apparently.

 It will be nice having her here as long as she doesn't try to act like she knows everything and lecture me. Honestly,how much life experience does a 21 year old who has never been on her own have??? My step father and mother do everything for her,and when they arent around she cons others into doing her dirty work. I love her to death,but when she tells me what Ive done wrong and how I should have done it,I could strangle her,lol!

 I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. They seems to think there is something wrong with my blood sugar and iron levels. I had gestational diabetes,now it seems the doctors think that I was actualy diabetic before I got pregnant. That would explain many of the complications I had. Either way I'm not looking forward to all of the blood tests and so forth. Yes,I want to figure out whats wrong and get on track to feeling better,but I hate being treated like a science experiment! 

 It's raining again! I can't get use to all of this humidity and rain in Kentucky!!! Last week I had to mow the lawn twice because it's growing so fast. Grrrrrrrrrrr

 Okay I'm done complaining for the night!

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  I helped raise my youngest sister who is now twelve. Until she was two she actually called me "mama two". Now that she's getting older she is starting to rebel. I love her to pieces,but this preteen thing is seriously getting annoying!!!

  She went trhough my bedroom while I was at the grocery store to find my journal.Today she was reading my email over my shoulder. When anyone tells her no she throws a fit like a three year old. The child thinks she knows everything and it's getting old,but my mother seems to be in denial or is just refusing to do anything about it.

  I left my messanger signed on today when I went to get a drink. My sister was angry at me for not letting her get online because dinner was almost done. So, she gets on mine and erases every contact I had stored in there!!! Sure I can get my families email adresses and such,but I don't have anyone elses now. So,for anyone that I have been instant messaging or emailing  here,forgive me for not contacting you recently!

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  Well I quit my job today. When I got to work yesterday nobody would speak to me,not even the girl I was paired with for the day. They all gave me really dirty looks when I walked in to punch my time card and continued to do so all day. Today was a repeat and worse.

  At lunch time one of the women asked me to eat outside with some of them so I obliged. No sooner than I sat down she began telling me that she felt bad for me. I asked what she was talking about and why everyone was acting so strangely. So,the group-3 woman and the maintenance man went on to explain.

 The woman who had been training me (neice to manager) apparently went to the manager and head of room keeping to tell them a bunch of poo that wasn't true about me and that I wasn't doing my job etc. I asked the group why she would do something like that... well,apparently on Tuesday when one of the 817c#3$ male friends stopped in to bring her lunch by I shouldn't have spoken to him. She told our coworkers that I was flirting with him and all over him. That is not true! We talked about Nebraska since I am from there and he has family in the area, the weather,and what there was to do in this place for fun. He stayed through lunch hour and we just chatted,nothing other than being friendly. She chose to stay out of the conversation and didn't even eat with us or tell him goodbye when he went over to ask when she was getting off of work. They aren't going out,as a matter of fact she introduced him as her "friend of the family". So,she got pissed that I carried on a conversation with him. Then,she ran to her aunt to make up a bunch of lies pertaining to my work and suggested I be fired due to it.

  According to the few that told me this,it isn't the first time she has gotten someone fired. Anyway, tomorrow morning at the monthly meeting the manager was planning on canning my ass. At first I didn't believe it but the gal that assists the manager said she already read the complaint sheets from the 817c# that was lying about me. So,today when my shift was over I told everyone goodbye,and the boss that I would not be back to work. When I told her why she just replied "My neice would never lie to me about anything,now who should I belive"?

  I was sooooooo furious I wanted to knock her out of her chair,and I am an anti violent person!!!

  That's what I get for trying to overcome my "shyness" and be friendly with someone for a change! I should have seen it coming,I'm cursed when it cimes to associating with the opposite sex. In my case nothing good ever comes of it,lol!!!

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  I hate being sick,but who doesn't! My throat hurts sooo bad I feel like I swallowed broken glass. After trying to get off of work to see a doctor for two days my boss finally called a few minutes ago. She still isn't sure if she can get anyone to cover my shift though. I'm exhausted,but can't sleep because I feel like crap!!! Plus I think I'm running a temperature because I keep getting hot and cold hot and cold. Whatever it is I desperately hope my daughter doesn't get it!

  Work still sucks,but I am trying yo come to terms with it. I have been applying at other places when I get the chance,but nowhere seems to be accepting new hires. Atleast my coworkers seem to be friendly...so far. A couple of them are a little angry at me because I got better tips than they did over the weekend. I worked the desk on Saturday and Sunday but cleaned rooms Friday. A few of my "stay overs" left me some nice cash surprisingly. The boss told the other girls that if they would be nice to the customers and clean as thoroughly as I do that they too would get tipped as well. So,needless to say they aren't very happy at me because they have been there a few years. I guess it's just part of the job,you win some and lose some. I can't make everyone happy I guess!

  My sister will be flying out on the sixth. I am looking forward to her being here. She's the closest thing I have had to a best friend in years. Plus maybe my mother will get off my back when someone else is here...sorry sis,but I need a break!

I think I'm going to try taking some tylenol p.m. and see if that helps...good night everyone!!!

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 By far this is the worst job I've ever had and ever will!  The greeting,talking to customers,paperwork, and reservations don't bother me surprisingly.  However, I was trained in cleaning the rooms today. When I took the job they said nothing about me having to do that on some days, more than the desk work apparently. Cleaning in general doesn't phase me,but some of the things I have come across in the rooms today were discusting. Plus I don't agree with their version of "sanitary". When I clean I really clean,they skim by and it's nasty to say the least. The worst part was how terribly the people staying there treat the maids! I have never met so many disrespectful people under one roof!!! I'm still full of anxiety from the entire ordeal,I wanted to crawl under a rock. Tomorrow is cleaning for me again, I hope I can make it another day without humiliating myself by crying or quitting. So much for sleeping tonight. Why doesn't anything work out for me?????

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After looking and looking I was finally hired today. As of eight a.m. I will be working the desk and taking reservations at a local lodge. So exciting I know woopydoo!!! Hey,atleast it's money and better than nothing at all.  This will be the easiest job I've ever had. The most appealing aspect of working there is that the manager is very family oriented. With a four month old,that's very important. Also when I start class in the fall she will work around my schedule. The staff I met today all seemed friendly enough,so that makes me feel a little less anxious. Surprisingly enough I'm not nervous about starting there at all....that has never happened to me before!!!  I've had s.a.d. since I was young yet the thought of greeting customers,online bookings,etc. aren't even phasing me!  This is way too good to be true!  The moment I walked through the door I felt comfortable and for me,that does not happen,ever! 

 I keep forgetting to post a pic of me!!!!! Crap Crap Crap!!! I had better do that before my mother gets back from shopping. It's her computer and she'll completely flip if she knows I'm placing photos online. The woman is a little crazy and a whole lot paranoid. Yes,I'm almost 25 and still have to hide things from my mother...will it even end????

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   I just found out that my younger sister will be coming to visit for a few weeks over the summer. She's in college in Nebraska so I don't get to see her very often now that I've moved.

   Growing up we were enemies most of the time,but now we get along like best friends. She has been there for me through so many things and is the only family member I have that fully accepts and understands me completely. I wish May would hurry up and get here!

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   Well, the trip to visit my grandmother is over. It was nice to see her and the rest of my family. I want my daughter to get to know them. However, I was angry,frustrated,and anxious as heck the entire time.

  Needless to say I am glad to be home! Every time my daughter cried someone stuck a bottle in her mouth. My grandmother snuck and fed her chocolate...she's barely 4 months old,mind you. They allowed their pet cat to crawl all over the kitchen counters and tables.....NASTY!!!!

  They live in the town I was mostly raised in. I have many bad memories there. Jr. High and high school was a nightmare for me. I actually saw a couple of people that I went to school with but,they didn't notice me thank God!!!

  So here I am home again,my own bed,my own television, and nobody trying to tell me how to raise my little girl! Sometimes you forget how wonderful home is until you've been away from it.

 On a lighter note, it was finally dry enough for me to get some lawn work done today! I love mowing,gardening,and land scaping! Unfortunately I got a sunburn,and my elderly neighbor man kept coming over to "talk" to me...I mow in shorts and a bikini top. I was nice but had to tell him I would NOT give him a hug....ewwwww....my mother thought that was hilarious. Some people have alot of nerve and somehow I always end up in the mix of them!

  I finally got my camera back so I posted a pick of my daughter today,but it took forever so my pic will have to wait until I get on here next time.

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