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We weathered the night pretty well last night. Since Jacob was still generally recouperating from his procedure and he was sprawled out on my bed, I was going to take the high road and use the sleeping bag but we all ended up on the bed, somehow.

Previous to that, my b/f graciously gave Jacob his pain meds and the antibiotics that he needs to take 2X a day for 10 days. He didn't take it very well but didn't hold a grudge (in years past, my cats would stay away from me for hours afterwards...). I can't say that he seems calmer compared to how he was before (he really is a laid back cat...) but he seems more affectionate. Although, too, that could be that he's still in a moderate amount of pain *shrugs*

Jasmine... well, trust is gained slowly, bit by bit. She's confident and affectionate only when Jacob is near, otherwise, she shies away from me when he's away from her. I really can't help wondering how this is all going to pan out. She's so bonded to Jacob that it might be impossible for her to bond fully to a person.

I'm probably being impatient because it's only been since Sunday that we found her and, in spite of my impatience, I really want to build long lasting trust with her. I have to remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day and good things take time.

But, it does feel good to be greeted by a cat that purrs like an outboard motor (Jasmine) LOL I can literally hear her across the room, even with the TV on.

We've been speculating on how exactly Jasmine came to us. It just seems weird that she just 'appeared' next to Jacob and that she was interacting with him so well. We did some 'looking back' in journals and Jacob's been around since about 6 weeks ago so... it's like Jasmine's seen him before. I'm almost betting that he's the father.

I've seen 'nurturing' behavior in male cats before so it's not unheard of. I've seen him licking her butt (the way a mother cat would) and licking around her ears and just generally acting in a protective manner towards her. I guess it'll probably remain a mystery though. Not unless Jacob suddenly learns to talk LOL

Yesterday, we toook Jacob into the vet's to be neutered and he came back today. They also treated him for an abcess that was under his tail (or what's left of it...). He's resting comfortably in my room (on my bed...) and the kitten has started to trust me and my b/f quite a bit.

Thanks to Jacob, the kitten (a girl, btw) is more accepting of us and actually allowed me to pet her and even pick her up. I dubbed her Jasmine...

Yesterday, I saw a kitten hanging out with one of the strays that ended up staying around (I have a pic of him in my gallery....). At any rate, this kitten seemed to come out of no where, no feline mother around, no siblings, nothing. Scared of people but really seems to be in love with Jacob.

Seeing as this kitten (still haven't been able to check to see if it's a he or a she...) was homeless, my b/f and I tried to catch it but to no avail. Sesame (temp name until we determine the gender) would only allow Jacob near her. So... the bad thing... Jacob was showing dominant behavior towards Sesame (biting her on the back of the neck when s/he would try to eat the food we set out for her/him).

At this point, we were both afraid for her so now, thanks in part to Jacob, she's in my room, separated from the inside cats until, at the very least, Jacob gets fixed (that's happening tomorrow) or until she's more accepting of human contact. I think it's really important to have her bond to a human right now (thankfully, she's only about 6-8 weeks old) so that should only be a matter of time.

On another point, I know a lot of people assume that cats aren't social animals but, guess what?? They really are. I think most people don't see it that way because most cats are kept as solitary pets and not in groups. Left to their own devices, cats choose to live in colonies. In fact, the last stray that was 'accepted' into the group of cats that are here, all he seemed to want was to be part of the group. When my b/f and I take walks around the yard or into the back lot (wooded), most of them come with us.

In fact, when one goes out into the yard, there's usually one or more that follow, often there's a group (2 or 3) laying in the shadow of a tree.

First off, a huge thank you to everyone who posted supportive, comforting things in my last 2 blog entries and comments on my page. I would go through and thank you all individually like I used to but I'm much too scattered and tired to even begin to think about doing all that O_o You guys are great!! 

This entry is another effort to help me chart how I'm feeling so I can look back and try to see a pattern. I noticed last night after getting back from grocery shopping (yeah, I went...), I felt hyper, almost manic. I wasn't tired (I usually start getting droopy eyes around 11 pm).

Also, I noticed that I was almost randomly starting projects even though I have at least 4 old ones within arm's reach right now. I tend to do this when I'm getting close to my cycle... this sort of reflects how my mind is working at the time.  

I was looking at knitting patterns for fingerless gloves (I really need those when the weather gets cold...) and in my mind, I really wanted to get started on them. As usual, I couldn't decide what yarn I wanted to use, what pattern, what method of knitting I wanted to use (yes, there's more than one method...). So basically, for an hour or so, I was pawing through my yarn to find the color and type of yarn that I wanted bu then, I wanted to try using sock yarn so I went off to find that... then, I couldn't find the needles I wanted so that set me off on another search.

Then I got to thinking about making another hat and scarf set (cool weather always gets me to thinking about making new stuff...). This led to another frantic search through my stash for the perfect yarn that's been lurking in my boxes. In the end, I started the scarf, tried to start the fingerless mittens but forgot how to use double pointed needles *bangs head against wall*

Adding to that, I had promised myself that I would finish a shawl that I've had on the needles since last year. It's nearly finished, just about 6 more rows or so but I couldn't bring myself to work on it even though it's literally right in front of me (on the floor, between my feet in my project bag). 

Also, something else that's sort of notable is that I really didn't get tired until nearly 3 am. This sort of alarms me since the past week or so, I'm finally on human hours (going to sleep at night and getting up in the mornings, usually before 9 am). Last night, I didn't fall asleep until about 4 am and I got up roughly around 11 am. Not good. Although, one good thing is that I haven't had to drug myself to fall asleep lately.

Usually, I have to dose myself pretty heavily with Tylenol PMs and sinus stuff (really doesn't matter which brand) to get me to the point where I'm ready to lay down. Otherwise, I'd be laying there, eyes open, tossing and turning (no small trick when you're on a couch...). **note, I sleep on my couch out of choice. My acid reflux makes it hard for me to sleep flat and no matter how many pillows I stack up on the bed to prop myself up, it's never worked for me so I stick to the couch**

Overall, I'm having trouble classifying how I feel.  Most of the time, when I make a blog entry, I choose 'don't know' simply because, even with the Estroven helping to even out my moods, they're still all over the place... just not as violently. But they're still up and down and all over the place. Now, I'm really wondering what role hormones really are playing in my mood shifts. 

I've opened up to 2 people about some very personal, hurtful things about my past in the past week and both of them stopped talking to me. Never again. 

After a few 'good' days, I'm back down, where I usually am. For a few days, I actually thought I saw a way out of this tunnel but I guess I was mistaken. Even though my sleep schedule seems to be evening out (I've been going to sleep no later than midnight and getting up no later than 11 am), I really don't feel any better for it. I don't know if I'm cursing myself by even mentioning the sleep thing.... 

I'm probably just heading into my monthly cycle. Nothing earth shaking but at the same time, it's disturbing how easily I slip back into depression... like slipping into an old, well worn pair of slippers. As hard as I fight it, it doesn't really go away. I've upped my Estroven to see if that makes a difference but... it hasn't.

I've been trying to occupy myself with old projects that I started a long time ago and never finished and watching hours upon hours of documentaries on joox.com  but, that really hasn't done much good either. I know that I need to go food shopping soon but I can't quite bring myself to do it yet. The temptation to just sit here and rot is overwhelming. 

Fighting with myself has become a full time occupation. I fight with myself to get up, I fight with myself to get myself to eat, I try to convince myself that not everything that comes out of my mouth or that I type out will be the wrong thing but... it's not working. So I reach a point where I just don't care. It's either that I care too much or not at all. No happy medium.  

The last few days, it's been cooler than normal. Believe me, I'm not complaining one bit. It's a nice change from boiling all summer. For the first time in a while, I didn't sleep with a fan blowing on me and I'm wearing sweat pants for the first time since spring. So I'm basically in an 'afghan/slipper/sweater making mood' with the coolness going on. 

The highs here for Saturday and Sunday are in the high 50s/low 60s. Other than my legs hurting me really bad (arthritis) and feeling more tired than normal, I think this is great. Fall is coming.... finally.  Don't get me wrong... summer has it's good points but humidity is something that I can handle less and less every year. I really need to move someplace where humidity isn't a huge deal. 

The only sad thing about fall coming is that winter is never far behind.  But....... I'm going to make a strong effort not to think about winter and try to enjoy the cooler weather as much as I can. 

Wow, I actually slept last night!!! Will wonders never cease?? I was so tired after my 5-6 hour drive that by 10:30 pm, I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I got up around 8 am but I'm tired again... no huge surprise there. I might lay down and take a nap if I get too out of it.

So many things to think about today. Before I left Portsmouth yesterday, I had a wonderful conversation with Joe's Mom and Dad. His Dad, mostly about how foolish I was about my car issues last week LOL Thankfully, he didn't make me feel foolish about it, even laughing with me about it. He's a sweet guy, just like his son.

I had the chance to sort of ":shit:" about my anxiety issues with his Mom, which felt awesome. Especially about how I changed after having my kids (post partum depression and intense anxiety that never quite went away...). She told me that it's more common than I would think. Overall, I just felt better knowing that someone that I care about (other than Joe...) can understand where I'm coming from.

It was more than a little liberating to talk about all that, even telling her how living here affects me. I've always been more than a little paranoid about talking about that aspect of things because I do live in a decent neighborhood... that's not the issue. It's the issue of the memories that assault me daily. (only those that know me well know the story behind that and I really don't feel like going into it now...).

Overall, it was nice to talk to them more (Joe's parents) and get to know them a little better. I've known them for over 3 years but rarely get the chance to really talk to them.  

____________________________________________

I was thinking about depression earlier. It's a seriously odd illness. When you're in the depths, hope is stolen, you feel like there's no way out and don't have the energy to even try. But, when you're out of it (depression), you see how silly your mindset was and that there is a way out.

When I'm in the depths, I feel like dying... literally or that I want to die. All I have energy for is to sit or lay around, not really caring what happens to me. Today, I have a brighter outlook than I had before. Maybe not perfect but it's a heck of a lot better than it had been. It's amazing how the chemicals in our bodies play hell with our minds... at least they do to me.

Touching in the topic of hormones and mood... to explain about my one blog entry... I'm going through 'The Change', which does mess with hormones and mood. I've had my thyroid checked a number of times while I was pregnant (last time was about 6 years ago...) and that's fine. Going through menopause WILL mess with mood. That's a proven fact. I don't know any woman who's gone through that without at least some mood shifting, hot flashes and all that goes along with all that.

I take Estroven to counter the worst of the mood stuff and the hot flashes. So far, although I've had to up my dosage, it's doing it's job. I'm not nearly as bad off as I was (thank gawd...) but I do have 'break through' mood shifts that the Estroven doesn't counter. That's really to be expected. I'm not expecting a cure all for mood shifts from this. Just to be more even than I was.

I'm also learning that to try to take other herbal/natural stuff for mood isn't a good idea for me. As I stated in one of my other blog entries, Sam-E didn't do any good for me, in fact, threw me into a deep, disabling depression that I'm still recovering from.  Not good. I'm sure that other people could benefit from Sam-E but not me.

I also got bad results from 5HTP too. Horrible rages, rapid mood shifts... possibly it's the hormonal soup that's going on inside me that's the problem. If I was more stable chemically, it might have very different results *shrugs* 

I'm home. Not that I want to be but here I am. 

On my way back, I made my usual stop at the Flying J truck stop (clean bathrooms and decent food....). While I was standing in one of the aisles, trying to decide on whether to get a healthy snack bar or go for the candy, I yawned. Not a huge surprise there as I had been up since about 1 am (yeah, my sleep schedule is still in the crapper...). While I yawned a woman in the same aisle commented that she felt the same way. 

She was thin and looked like she was sick. We started talking to each other (this part of SA doesn't affect me all that much... talking to strangers out of the blue...). For some reason, she started pouring her heart out, telling me about her having Lupus and her situation (lives with her mother who also has Lupus) and that her sister stole her pain meds (Oxycontin... sister's a heroin addict....) and that she was in the midst of a forced detox because of that. 

My heart just went out to her. We talked for a while longer and I gave her a hug. We ended up crying together for a bit, right there in the truck stop. I didn't care. At one point, it started getting late and I really needed to go so that I wouldn't be driving after dark. She offered her phone number but I declined, telling her that I lived in Cleveland (she lived in Mansfield, about 1 and a half hours from where I am...).  Now, I'm kind of regretting not exchanging numbers, even though I'm not all that great on phones...

The reason why I titled this entry 'Perspective' is that, after talking to 'R', I see that my issues aren't all that bad. She's dying of Lupus while I still have relatively good health. She's up against so much more than I am.  I may never see her again (hopefully, I will) but this chance meeting with a relative stranger touched me deeply.

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