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my number one priority is always to connect with others.  Often times I feel so alien because I can't figure out how.  I guess I'll just keep putting myself out there and telling the truth about what it's like to be me.

stephen 

way too much family time this weekend.  I'm so drained.

I've been struggling to find my voice.  In group therapy last week everyone seemed to be very loud.  I couldn't find a way to tell people that I was feeling overwhelmed.  I couldn't stay in my body so  it was hard to speak.

 

Last night I had to have dinner with my family, and again really struggled my holding space for myself.  Tomorrow I hafta go to a graduation party for my stepsister.  I imagine I'll struggle there too.

Anyway just writing this to give myself a voice. 

I tend to regress when certain people touch me.  Luckily it tends to be with safe people. It's scary to feel as vulnerable as I do.  I think I get scared being that vulnerable because my parents would hurt me when I was young.  

I have no idea how many people are in regression here, but maybe people can relate to it anyway. 

My therapist has been talking about his wife again.  I have a lot of envy that he has a family of his own.  He knows that I hate when he talks about wife and he does it anyway. He said he didn't do it to hurt me, but I still hate him for it.  I wish I had a family of my own, because my family of origin sucks.

 

My anxiety has been really bad the past couple days.  I think it has something to do with Mother's Day.  When I think of my mother all I can remember is all the abuse and neglect I have suffered.  She's a big part of why I have such bad PTSD.  

Just thought I'd write this here so I wouldn't feel as alone.

Thanks for reading. :)

My anxiety seems a bit worse than usual.  I'm guessing a big reason is that tomorrow is Mother's Day.  It's a very painful day for me being that my biological is mother is not maternal.  In fact she's inept and crazy.  

I gonna spend time with my biological mother.  But I'm not gonna like it. :( It's like we are from different planets.  She is very difficult to connect with. 

I'm feeling lost and deprived of rich emotional interactions.  Hopefully I'll able to call some friends tomorrow so I can feela bit better.

I am a survivor of premature birth so I spend a lot of time feeling alien and dealing with annihilation panic.  I feel that I really  need that 10 weeks I missed out on being inside the womb.  Although I probably  had a lot of anxiety while I was in the womb given that my mother had an incompetent cervex.  Sometimes when I get really scared I wish that I could be in the womb of a mother who could hold me to term. 

Just to clarify  this    is  the wish of my inner  infant not my adult.  I know that my anxiety would be considerably less if I was carried to term.

Not really sure why I'm writing this.  I guess maybe just so people can understand me better. 

  

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