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All these walls were never really there,
Nor the ceiling or the chair.
I’m eking weeks of peace at the beach
I see the breezes weave the trees,
These walls, you’ll find, are yours and mine
Defined not by them, I
I’m in times that lie behind my eyelids,
The sunset still the rising silence,

(Chorus)
I’ll not feel no fear
Cos' I‘m not really here
I’m nowhere near here

There’s no rain on roof that grates and beats me
My favourite tree breaking light to pieces
Sprinkling, sharded light on me
Throw a stone as hard as you can
And hearing with hand not here at land
Nothing taxi, dusting sand
My window world spins and twirls,
The walls then fall, I recall the sort
White clouds white wash faded spotless
The weighty shadows, ranges of rocks
The cold is all illusion thought up
Stroll on the shore, snooze and explore
All possibilities in each new morning,
‘til satisfied reaching out, yawning
Fish in a big dish, some rice and spice,
Salt over shoulder, never salted so tight
The truth I have told was silence sometimes
But who’s soul does not hide any crimes
Wrapped in walls, encircled by work
The walls fall - the story occurs
No barrier, no boundary or ‘low us ID’s
The freedom to stay off straight
Be fiend or friend, cause no harm but charm - the peaceful end

(Chorus x2)

Pale, ancient woods, strew white sandy bays
This ugly room pales away today
I’m swimming in the ocean
I sink slow motion
Fingers, toes, floating
Every year ‘til yesterday
I see the eternal setting sea
I compare all this to me,
It’s all fleeting momentary me
I blink my eyes, this is reminding me
Life lies in the blink of an eye
The old die for reasons, new tides for seasons
New life born is like teasing
All these walls were really never there
Nor the ceiling or the chair
I’m eking weeks of peace at the beach
I see the breezes weave the trees
I am not here at all,
You are dearly fooled,
I see bristling trees, the shush at the sea
Mischievous
Fluttering seagulls
No.
I’m not trapped in a box, so I am glancing at rocks
I’m dancing off docks
Since this stance began
That’s where I am

(Chorus x2)

So done.

I've decided, for as long as I've denied it.

I need to make music

Musical, lyrical direction

You may laugh

I need to

Put this mind to things fufilling

I aint using this as an excuse, like the cat that tortures the mouse

Its me I need this

I think of all things, space.

As much as i like it, I cant anymore deny it

I'd rather try and fail then live and regret

Thanks Dad, for your musical Insight

 

Its 5.58am here right now.. Thank $&#^% for Jay-Z, if I hadn't have stumbled across that free-style, I may have lost the battle... You know when things all go a bit shit, and most people deal with it?

Well, I'm attempting to find reasons to carry on, find inspiration, to be able to say to my daughter I love you hun! And not think of her mum!

I'm searching lost, right now, thinking how I got here, I've been in a kind of dispair, no reason I kinda just wanted to share.

See i have love to give, as much as i reach, for reasons to say this. I love the kiss, the chase to feel bliss, dont U?

Am lost right now, feeling...

Reeling, oppression, that rejection?

Nearly gave in, dont give in son...

Thats just one...

Carry on, remember fun?

That too could be you again,

If you let it, make it, take it.

The life inside, re-birth, it wasn't sucicide...

Just at this moment, it feels like that.

Take it, shake it that feeling...

You can be happy son, don't take my word for it...

Make it, happen, turn it around..

Don't let them beat you down.

its 6.11 am...

 

I haven't been on here much for ages. I have had so many things go wrong lately, surely there is better karma around the corner?

  feel so lonely at the moment I don't know what I need to do to make new friends.

My life just seems to consist of work, no-one where I work is very socialable so its hard.

I can't even do martial arts at the moment and thats getting me down, seems I keep breaking things (like bones), through no fault of my own.

I randomly talk to people at the super market or where ever, whenever the opportunity arises, l guess I've had a new lease of confidence lately, just it seems to put people off.

Am fed up of lookin forward to weekends alone, of goin out by myself, of talkin to people on the internet with them thinkin your only intentions are to see their breasts.

I'm beginning to think I should give up, no-one else seems to be very outward or willing to take a chance or anything. God life is so boring and people are so conditioned.

If you say hello to someone you don't know in the street they think your a crazy person.

 

I'm going to dig me a hole in which to live so don't disturb me.

 

...

This last week has been the second worst week of my life. It should have been the best, I was meant to move with my daughter (4) step son (13) and wife (of 12 years) to a new build home with a study of my own.

When the time came to move it all went wrong, I am now living at my mums, through a stroke of luck am renting a place, but its over between us.

I've been pretty phucked up this last week, I don't know what to do.

I have given this woman everything, now I am lost really lost we were together from 18-19 and I don't know what to do.

I have my daughter here now and she is upset and i'm really I don't know.

I need to talk..

You can look into someones eyes and see a thousand rivers.

All flowing in different directions, none less beautiful than the other.

They seek the same thing, least resistence.

Like an invisible force they make their mark, apon their path to the ocean.

But it takes a lifetime to travel them all.

Sometimes, we pass by the important things, they never get a glance.

It’s when you look back and see these things.

Life is but a moment, don’t you agree.

A moment of uncertainty.

It’s now here, you and me, we see.

Sometimes we could be forgiven, other times it’s just. It’s "Just"

What do I know, another crazy thought that there could be harmony, see.

I don't know you and you don't know me.

You know the difference, when that stranger says’s hello, with only a sincere smile to hide behind.

Uncertainty.

The thing that makes us reach out, feel free.

Both you and me, we can be. 

Just escape from this put upon you reality, it ain't all its cracked up to be.

I've tried and tried to do the rights things in life.

For what, people using you, abusing you?

I'm fed up with it.I can't be anymore tolerant, than I am now.

I try to do everyone good, you be nice to people, you put up with their poo and they just $&#^% you over.

I've had enough, I ain't taking it anymore

.I don't see why I should be unhappy anymore, I've tried, its over.

~You Drain Me~

You promise the world.

Yet it’s just an excuse.

Another moment of abuse.

You say things to hurt me.

Use them as ammunition to provoke me,

All I want is to be loved and happy.

I give you everything I have.

I work so we can be better in control and for what?

I dead memory, a dying heart, that piece of love you tossed into the emotionless center of nothing.

I'm not going to take it any more,I need to be free from you, to explore.

Me that’s something I've ignored, carried on the route of least resistance, ever positive ever changeable.

No I'm sorry not any more.

 

Whats a sufferer of SA to do? I wanna meet new people. I'm sitting here its a saturday night, i'm alone listening to music, in need of social surroundings. But what do I do, how to make new friends?

Off topic, everythings going really well I got my last CBT sessioin next week, I started martial arts, (something i've wanted to do for soo long, apart from my aches right now), I got goals to focus on.

 But I still feel alone.

 I even just started to speak to people like on the train, anywhere.

I just hate bein alone right now.

Karma

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