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So, today was my first day of college. I waited 11 years, too scared to even think of going to school, but it's better late than never, I guess. I feel as tho I'm cheating tho, as I'm doing night classes, because I work full time. So, this first class is a required thing on how to study, take notes, etc. Basically a pointless class and a waste of $95 per credit hour. But, I went...and I wasn't too nervous. I didn't freak out, I didn't have an attack of any sort, I didn't not talk at all- I actually talked to a few people I left with on our break to go to Wendys. I told myself- don't just shy away, follow someone and join a group. So, I did that...and I didn't actually feel nervous at all. I said a few things to the girls I left with (and the one guy who was sort of out of it, so it seemed...), I asked a couple of questions. I made small talk with the girl who walked out when I did to go to the parking lot. It wasn't bad at all. This class is actually a one week thing for 3 hrs every night, then it's finished...and classes officially start in 2 weeks. So, the place wasn't as crowded as I'm sure it will be. So, I don't have to face the really scary stuff- going into the food court to find a place to sit, probably end up sitting alone and eating by myself and feeling really awkward and bad about that...like I said it feels like I'm sort of cheating and getting by the easy way. I honestly don't know how it will turn out...I think I can make it to all the classes and do the assingments- so far it seems the hardest thing will be working 40 hours a week, doing 12 hours in class and whatever study time that comes along with it...not enough hours in the day, so that basically leaves the weekends. It's been so long since I've even sat in a classroom, I don't think it'll be easy for me. But, I made it...I'm not that nervous about tomorrow (it should be more of the same, no?) I'm sure I will get a bit jittery an hour before class. That's just how I am. Then, I have to face 4 other classes with different and new people and new professors, etc. Wish me luck, I guess. I'll probably need it.
I don't ever feel like I truly belong. I don't even halfway feel like I belong really. Even when I'm in a social situation with people I would consider friends, I still never really feel like I'm totally there with them. I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in, watching them do their thing as I sit there and observe. I don't get much of a chance to do that to begin with, as I basically have 1 person I ever do anything with. Hopefully that will change soon, but that's my situation now. This 1 person is a co-worker, and even then it doesn't feel like a friendship that I remember from high school or being a kid. Maybe it's because I'm older (nearly 30), and my outlook on life is completely different. Who knows. I was watching that TBS series MY BOYS over my lunch break. I usually go to lunch with co-workers or stay at work and eat here, but I decided to go home and watch some OnDemand TV. I like the show- it's well written, it's funny, the characters are overflowing with charisma. It's good TV. Being someone who spends a lot of time watching TV, often times living vicariously through these people on the set in front of me, I sort of know good TV. Lately, I've been less entertained and more in the mood to ponder my life when I watch anything. I watched the season premier on TBS OnDemand, and I keep thinking- I'd love to be part of this group. Hell, I'd settle for being the balding guy who looks to be near his 40's. I don't have to be the young guy the main character has fallen for, good looking, confident, boyish charm. I'd love to be that guy, don't get me wrong- I could deal with the attention of a lovely lady like PJ, but I envy all of them. Envy. That word again. I envy so many people. I tend to envy everyone. Because they're normal. They fit it, they're making a life for themselves, they know who they are, and they know where they belong. They're on a track that's running somewhat straight, even if some obstacles lay ahead. I'm sort of directionless, not even sure who I am anymore. What is it that makes me who I am- what do others see in me? How would others describe me as a person to someone who has never met me. They'd probably say I'm whacky, but I'm usually whacky because making people laugh is easier. It takes the attention off of me looking anxious or shy or nervous or scared or any other negative thing people might see in me. I'm tired of being that whacky crazy guy always trying to act a fool to make others laugh, desperate for their approval, their laughter lets me know I'm not a total failure. I made people laugh, so they must like me to be around somewhat. I add something (anything) to the situation I'm in. I would love to be part of a group of 5 or 6 guys who go out all the time, hit the bar they love most nights of the week, parties sometimes, dating, all of the stuff they do in the show. They're friends who genuinely like each other, they get along, they know each other and the things that make up each member of the group, etc. The one character came into the fold late in the game, after most of them had known each other for what is probably years in the show. How did he do it? I used to hang out with a guy from work and his friends doing pub quiz trivia nights, and sometimes we'd go and play a board game or watch a movie afterwards into the late night hours. I found that even one on one I didn't feel really comfortable with this particular guy (he intimidated me for some reason- I think a lot of it came down to him being VERY funny himself, much more funny than I am myself), but when we'd get into groups, sitting at the table eating and playing puz quiz, I'd rarely offer any words at all, let alone anything substantial. I'd feel short of breath when I did get the nerve to speak. I would get flushed, red in the face (I'm sure), nervous, my voice seemed to crack...I'd try my best to end it without much added, getting out of the situation as smoothly as possible. I wanted so badly to belong, to have my own conversations with the other guys and girls in the group, make new friends maybe...I wanted them to know who I was as a person (how can they when I often ask myself who I am?), I wanted them to know how to describe me to other people. It wasn't meant to be in that group, I guess. Turns out that guy moved away, and I EMail him every now and then, and we might get together in his new city to hang out if I ever find myself in that area (probably won't), so I never made new friends as I'd hoped there. I never even got close. I never became part of their group. Some people slide in like they've known the members forever...I am not so lucky in having that ability. Unfortunately. So-will I ever belong? Will I ever get over this and be the kind of guy with confidence and ease like the fellows on My Boys? Will I be able to go to a bar alone, not having to need a buddy with me? Will I ever be able to go to a bar and feel comfortable going off alone at all? Going off to chat up a girl? When will my time come? I used to feel better in high school...meeting new people wasn't as bad as it is now. Maybe it's being out of practice and years of torture in the past making it worse? I hope I belong. I feel like I missed out totally on my 20's, hopefully my 30's will be my 20's as a second chance. Going to college for the first time (taking placement tests today, will get an adviser in a few weeks, etc), hoping to get a better job with a degree eventually, hopefully being in school for years will help me be better at being around people, I'll somehow make some friends from classes, all of that good stuff I hope is around the corner. I'm tired of waiting for my life to start.
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