Viewing 1 - 6 out of 6 Blogs.

So I guess I'm back on this site again- I was doing well for a while, made some new friends at church and was getting out at least once a week or so.  I don't know what exactly happened, but it seems as though my new friends do not have the same political views as I do.  They are conservative republicans and I am a middle-of-the-road democrat.  I never thought that political views could hamper friendship in such a dramatic way.  I felt very excluded the last time we got together, they were all sad that McCain didn't win, were knocking Obama, and because they are so conservative in their views I was afraid to speak up and say what I thought.  How can people be so closed-minded??  I guess I was afraid to speak up because I didn't want to lose my newly-found friends.  I also decided not to go out with them tonight because I figure if they can't accept me for who I am and what I believe, then what's the point, right?  My social anxiety is also back in full force, I do not know how to deal with this situation...

so i went to the small group at church- well i got there and then i left because i kept thinking what they would think of me when they met me.  i thought that they would be all judgemental about me and my anxiety took over and then i left.  didn't even go inside, just left.  i thought i was over this anxiety thing, but i guess not.  used to be able to go anywhere pretty much when i though i was over it and now i can't even go to a stupid church group!  so i'll try again on Sunday.

life's a b**ch sometimes i guess.

:(

wishing i had some people to hang out with- it gets so monotonous just sitting at home waiting.  small groups don't start until the 26th, still waiting to hear about closing the deal on the car and joining a health club won't be for a while yet.  life is kind of a waiting game for me right now, hope i can hang in there and keep stable while i am doing so.  at least my hair turned out ok, finally forced myself to go and get it cut.  i was worried it would look like some hack job, but it actually looks pretty good.  i keep telling myself as long as i can get out at least once every day i'm taking big steps towards having a more functional life. 

so i went to church today- i made my sister go with me because the place is huge- like over 3,000 people go there or something.  i signed up for the small groups program there- they meet about once a week.  i feel good about it and hopefully i won't be too anxious to go to the groups.  i guess there are like 15 different ones to choose from, so i hope that at least one of them will work out.  speaking of, i haven't joined a gym yet but that's the next goal that i have, and to get a 2nd job so i won't be sitting around during my free time.  hopefully i can keep my anxiety in check and keep busy. 

fell asleep before midnight last night.  i'm not sure what that means, but i'm kind of glad that i didn't go out and get all drunk or something anyways.  i am looking forward to the new year and to joining up with the small group at church.  it will only be once a week, but it seems better than going to a bar or club at this point- i feel like i'm getting too old for that now, and i'm trying hard to keep my meds stabilized.  alcohol and medicine- DO NOT MIX!  that's my new slogan i guess.  i hope that i can get that cute Neon car that i've got my heart set on- i hate the car i have right now- it makes me feel like a loser.  my stupid pants are getting tight, so i've got to do some crunches soon- wish i didn't feel like a troll all the time, my "negative self-talk" kicks in and then i freak out.  maybe someday i will get it together and be able to have my own life instead of one where all i do is sit around and dream about what it would be like to have a healthy social life. 

so my last blog was kind of my intro i guess.  it's funny how a year can change you.  i'm very cautious now i think- sometimes overly cautious, but i'm starting to branch out again.  haven't really left the house much this year except to go to work, now i'm able to finally go to the store again instead of ordering every last thing online- bought my first mocha this year on the day before christmas- i was actually proud of myself for going into the shop- i used to work at a coffee shop and missed it so much.  thinking about buying another car soon, which will help because then i won't feel anxious about driving my old one, and would like to join up with a group at a church i heard about so i can get out at least once a week or so.  maybe i'll join a healthclub too and try to work off the extra 5 i've gained from sitting around.  at least my meds are in check now, i'm able to sleep better now.