Its been a hell of a couple of weeks, my daughter went in the hospital on a friday, I stayed with her, then sunday was admitted next to her, she got out monday wich was her birthday, raye got addmitted across the hall from me Thursday and I got out Thursday night.  She got out the next day, but had surgery yesterday and is now at home, just all hurty.  I getting a little sick of everybody being sick, we can't seem to catch a break around here.  The steroids are screwing with me again and causing some weekness, though not as bod as last time because we didn't have to go as high on the dose cuz of the no smoking thing.

On the bright side ,,,I should have some new pics to put up soon.  My two little puppies,,,,,,,,well ones not so little but they are cute togather.

Everybody send raye get wells!!!!!!!!!!!    I miss her and she is out in the boondocks and I don't drive anyway.

Happy Holidays.

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Before I start with the real issue I am writing tonigt.  Let me explain a little bit about myself.  I live in julias bubble world.  I don't watch the news, I don't read the newspaper. I don't even listen to the radio.  I'm simply not interested and this entire world makes me sad, all the hate and the voilence.  Its just horrid, I know its out there, i just don't feel the need to immerse myself in it on a daily bases.

I also live in a town of less then 6000 people. Raye grew up in a town of like 75 people. And now lives in a town of less then 200.  We have lots of petty crime, lots of drugs, about ten yeas ago this part of kanasas had the highest drug traffic rate in the usa.  I don't know what it is now. but i'm sure its still high.

There has been real violence hear over the years, before i was born there was yorkie smith who killed the track team behind the dike, and an old women who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  There have been a few suicedes over the years. my rape by a strange in 95, and probaby a few others I didn't hear about.  There is child abuse, of all kinds.

Whats pissing in my postostios at the moment is the rest of the world has started invading my comfy bubble world, it pisses me off, makes me sad, and its just wrong, no where is safe anymore.  Two years ago chanute had a murder at save a lot, 20 miles from where i live, last year they had a murder at the aliibi.. last week we had a stabbing a few blocks from where i live, the kid lived and the attacker was caught in texas today. 

Now for today, a young women was found dead out in Toronto, at moment they have road block set up and not to much info out so i am going to assume she must have been rather fresh for lack of a better term, they seem to be thinking he could still be in the area, the road blocks end about 20 miles from my house.

Oh and do you remember the train rail guy a few years ago, he slit on of are gilrs throat here in town, she lived though.

My point is why would i want to go out into the big bad world, its not ######## safe for god sakes,  my therapist thinks this issue makes up for a lot of my anxiety along with low self esttem.  I think I'm just ######## smart. I swear to god i'm about to move my @$$ out to walnut or someshit, which at a guess i would sa papulation like 50, I know there are nuts everywhere but you got a better chance of spotting them if there are less people.

okay, thats it, just needed to get that off my chest, still not sure i'll sleep good tonigt.  Haven't felt the need for a screwdriver under my pillow for quite some months now, but i put it back earlier just in cast.  Yes, you all I'm that damn nurotic.

anyway says some words of peace tonight or something, god knows this world needs it.

julia

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I feel close to self destructing and I need to tell someone in the family for help and I just can't do it yet. I know this is a sa site but all my issues combined are makeing me come unglued.  I think the doc pushed a little too hard last monday, aaron severly hurt my feeling yesterday.  I feel worthless, dirty, angry at myself, like a failure.  I want to cut, I want to hurt.  I'm about ready to tremor out. aarons not home, i'm all alone and i probably shouldn't be. not suicidal or anything, just worried about hurting myself.  holidays are almost here and i don't think i can bear them, very large family. called my dad and left a message and haven't heard back from him, haven't spoken to him since last christmas.

then i get on the computer to make myself feel better and all that and all it does it make me feel worse.

I'm a total freeking mess, and i don't know what to do.  I hate being me. It sucks. life sucks. and my emotions are swinging so bad from one extreme to the other that i feel insane wich i probably am.

my mom was just here and i  didn't have the courage to tell her i'm in trouble again. if i did she would insist on me comming over and i just want to be in my own house and not out in the scary world.

my meditation is't working cuz i'm to high strung at the moment and I'm running out of coping skills here.  I haven't cut in over a year.

if i can just hold out till monday i see both my docs

think i'm going to call aaron and confess my sins and let him know i'm not doing so hot.

sorry i'm such a downer for anybody who happened to come across this.

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Had a therapy appt. monday.  It so totally sucked ass.  Haven't cried in therapy for quite awhile.

Someone commented on my last blog that it sounds like my Doc Hunter sux.  He's actually a ######## genuis, I'm just very unique and come with problems and symptoms that most don't have.  Then you throw in my charming personality, the fact that I hate to be serious ect, ect, ect, and I make for a difficult albeit interesting specimen of a patient.  I have even guinea pigged several times for KU and a few other people.

Anyway so this session we talk about why I don't like to go out by myself, why people scare me ect.  On and on,,,my stress level and anxiety level and what I've been doing to try to relieve some of it.

I finally admit to praying and some new meditations, and he ask me what I say when I pray, told him it was none of his damn buisness thats between me and my higher power.  Kinda like sex, it's personal and somethig are ment just for me to know.

We continued on and on at one point he told me I was wierding him out some.  Thats my doc for you. He amuses me quite as much as I amuse him.  He actually called William Faulkner a self conceded impetuas prick once while we were discussing The sound and fury.

Anyway it finally got down to the nitty gritty and I confessed some of my fears and it sucked and I cried my eyes out.

Some of what I admited to was fear of judgment, he asked if that was becase of the abuse and rape.  It is, but its more then that.  I'm not smart enough, not good enough, I feel judged over my suicide attempt.  I feel like people look at me and they either judge me for one of many reasons or they look at me with pity. And I can't stand either.  Its scares me, it hurts me, it makes me feel worse.

Sometimes I find therapy so damned draining and I hate it.  It's like picking a day of the week every week and saying okay, today I'm going to let doc hunter pick my brain, make observations and totally throw me out of balance and all of that usually makes me feel like hell.

The problem is most day julia here lives in her own little bubble world and I don't have to face these issues, don't even think about them.  I like my comfy zone.  Not sure I want to leave it either.  I don't mind my simple little life most days.  I do feel bad for my family and my children so for them I wan't to change.

But I'm not really sure that the emotional pain I have to go through is worth it. 

Most people just think I'm a little odd, a lot eccentric and life goes on. Why do I have to strive to be better then I am.  Maybe who I am isn't really all that bad or broken.  Just not like everybody ealse.  Why do I have to fit neatly into someone ealse idea of normalcy.

life sucks at this particular moment, I want a carton of smokes, a carton, and a bottle of tequila, and puablo the cabana boy wouldn't be to bad either.

Going to head to bed now.

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I went to my therapy appointment monday and insisted on a diagnoses, Doc Hunter had to think on it a little and discuss some things with me.  I come with so many issues that its hard to seperate them out sometimes, he finally decided that SA doesn't really fit, but neither does avoident personality, and decided to go with agoraphobia.  I don't really know how I feel about that. I did do some reading on it and it seams mostly like sa and avoident personality to the extreme.

I seem to be headed down the rabbit hole again, not wanting to eat,  crying, panic attacks are up a little.  The steroids could have something to do with it.  Between the doc me and my husband we figured out that the last three major crashes I've had have been after high doses of steroids, the poo just makes ya nuttier then squirril shit.

I though having a diagnoses would make me feel better,,,,,I'm one of those people who have to learn about everything, its just how I do things, but it doesn't seem to be helping this time.  I'm not cutting though and I'm not suicidal, so all is relativitly good at the moment.

My anger is up though, just wan't to flogg the holy crap out of those who annoy me right now.

Still tryng to hold on to a high power, but its getting a little tough at the moment.  Getting mad again. I tend to do that a lot though.  I figure he made me who I am so he will understand when I give him a good kick in the shins for not using his almighty power to strike down tose people who hurt me and others.

Tax time is comming up and everyone including the doc wants me to get my licsense back and get a car with my income tax.  I don't want too.  Then the pressure will be on to do things by myself and I can't it scares me to much, the thought of just picking up the kids from school is enough to make me sick, to many people, to croweded, what if someone wants to talk to me ect ect. 

Then we have the holidays comming up and thats going to be hell.  My aunt moved to the same town as my mother in law, so mom in law wants to have thanksgiving the same day we do my side of the family.  So several hours with about forty people I'm related to and have nothing in common with, the severl hours with a women who I swear to god was spawned by the devi himself.  Its amazing she doesnt have horns and a tail and I not entiryly sure she doesn't.  The women is pure evil.  (I can actually back that up with horid stories but I won't subject anyone to that, you will just have to trust me)

Guess this turned into more of a rambling scattered mess.  Just been holding a lot in trying to process it, and fix my problems and I can't seem to come to any conclusions.

I've got the lemon and limes, anybody out there got the tequila,,,,I'll share, I promis.

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I find myself contemplating god more and more lately and have taken to praying at bedtime.  Sound rather normal I suppose but its not for me.  Raye saw me with a bible when I was in the hospital and looked at me like I had last my mind, not because she is disapproving she is cathlic, but because its a little out of character for me.  My husband told me tonight that he has seen a great change in me since I have been in the hospital, I seem happier then I have in a long time and am doing great mentally compared to normal.  So I told him about the reading and praying I have been doing and all that.  He thinks its good for me.  I thought he might make fun of me but he didn't.  He was raised in strict christian shcools and believes and god, he calls himself a christian, when we got togather we kinda came to an understanding I wouldn't rag him about religion if he didn't bother me about my lack of.

I think I've just hit a point in life where I'm desperate, very desperate.  I'm tired of the fight for normalcy, I'm tired of the pain and hurt, I'm tired of everything.  Somehow when I was in the hospital I got the crap scared out of me with the whole COPD thing, I watched my grandfather die from that, and am watching my father die from it.  It just sort of put things in perspective for me I guess.

Over the years I've turned to God off and on when things have been really rough for me.  But for the most part I've spent about twelve years just being pissed off at the man upstairs.

Oh good grief, I'm crying.  Anyway, I think I'm ready to quit being mad and start trying to work on my spiritual side.  I say spiritual side because I don't practice any certain religion.  I read anything from whatever religion and take what I can from it.

Last night I found some really good christain and catholic prayers and then listened to some Budhism meditation.  It was really good by the way. 

I took a theology class when I was younger and learned a little about a lot of religions.  My personal beliefs are it doesn't matter what you call your hower power or how you choose to pray, most of them follow the same basic moral princaples, some are a little harsher then others on what happens if you don't follow the rules.  but when you break it down they just aren't that different.  So I plan on sticking to my non denominational polytheist.  But I think I am going to keep going with this and see where it takes me.

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just feeling the need to ramble a bit.  I had to take my girl to the eye doc today.  To my medicine like a good girl and still ended up rocking back and forth the entire time planning my ecspae routs and the whole nine yards, it kind of shot the rest of the evening to total shit.  Trying to quit smoking and went out and bought a pack of smokes today after almost a week without so now I have to start all over.  Promised my daugter I would work on getting back on my meds and all that good stuff so that I might occasionally be able to leave the house.

Problem is,,,,other then the fact that it bothers the family I really don't mind being the way I am.  I am perferctly contect to stay at home and not go anywhere.  I have everything I need here and my husband takes care of the stuff outside of the house so I am struggling right now with this whole medication thing because I really don't want it, but I don't want to end up doing damage to my children and all that good crap.  Anyway, enough for now.  Think I will go smoke that demon ciggeratte now and call it a night.

gypsy

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