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I've decided to move over to livinganxious.com. I still go by ghostgurl there and that's where I'll stay when this site closes down. Hope everyone else comes to that site as well. :)

As you have probably seen, the SAF site is closing at the end of this month and merging with the SAS forums. When that happens I will not be joining. I will not be setting up a new account there, as I do not visit the SAS forums anymore. So when SAF goes, so will I. I've enjoyed all your messages and comments to me so Thank You. I'm sorry for leaving. You can still catch me if you want on the Social Anxiety Club on Myspace. I go by my name, Elise, there.

http://groups.myspace.com/sadclub

So, I have a love-hate relationship with the summer. I love it because I enjoy my free time, seeing the latest blockbuster in the theater, going on vacation, ect. However, I often hate it because it really is too much free time, which winds up destroying me. I keep myself busy enough surfing the internet, playing computer games, watching movies or reading, but it's not enough to keep me from going crazy.

I do go crazy literally when I'm left alone too long. It's usually on my summer or winter breaks where my thoughts start turning negative, paranoid even. I start worrying more than usual. On winter break last year I had symptoms which looked like OCD. It was a really bad time for me. That went away after I went back to school of course.

Now I've graduated college. I haven't searched for a job yet because I want a break and I'm kind of pessimisstic about finding a job because I have no experience. You need experience to get a job, but to get experience you have to have a job. Kind of a Catch-22 there.

So, what will happen to my sanity now? The thing is I know once I get a job, my anxiety and stress levels will escalate, but at the same time if I just do nothing, I'm guaranteed insanity because I will be left to my destructive thoughts.

So, I have to either deal with massive anxiety or deal with myself slowly slipping into madness. Some choice...

So I met my online friend yesterday at a coffee shop and it went well. I actually think I probably talked more with him than I would in an entire year. I didn't really have any problems with thinking of things to say. He also let me borrow a couple of his books.

Now I just wish I didn't have to go through anticipatory anxiety hell beforehand.

Ok, I've been chatting with a guy for several months now online. We became friends. Now he has asked me if we could meet next Saturday to do something. I feel like I trust him and I kind of want to meet him, but at the same time I'm very nervous. I've never met anyone online in person. We'd probably go to this art event that's going on in my town, so it would be in a public area. What do you think? Should I go for it?

In one of my classes I will have to do group activities. It's an American Pop Culture class. Last night she had us play this game. We were to categorize ourselves as one of four animals: The tiger, the hawk, the rabbit, or the turtle. She then wanted us to meet up with the animals we categorized ourselves. I saw myself as a turtle so I met up with the other turtles. We were the quiet introverts. There were only five of us. Being in the group made me feel not so alone and I often feel so alone in college.

The biggest group was of course the tigers, the extroverts. The hawks and rabbits were more in between. The teacher then had us talk with our group about how we communicate. Us turtles decided we were more mellow, lazy and laid back. Then the teacher asked us to meet up with the group we felt we were the opposite from. I was about ready to scream at this point. I didn't want to get near the tigers. The rabbits ended up taking me in though, and the teacher wanted us to discuss how we can make communication between us better.

I said to the rabbits that I would talk more if they were talking about things I was interested in. I was actually asked to tell the teacher this and then she said "but it should be your job to let people know what those interests are right?" I said, "yeah a little bit."

Then I'm thinking well...hmm...thing is my interests are so obscure that most people don't talk about them, but I didn't say that of course.

After that exercise I felt like I had just went through therapy, but I'm glad I went through with it. Also the teacher made the class aware of the differences between extroverts and introverts, which was good. She still expects us introverts to talk sometimes though.

I really think she is an amazing teacher even though it looks like this will be a socially demanding class. She's an activist who looks to make the world a better place, and I really like that in a teacher, and well anybody.

My mom told me we would be going out to breakfast this morning and even knowing that I still stayed up all night last night. When I woke up at 11 this morning I thought "Oh God I blew it!" Then while I was taking a shower I was imagining doing horrible horrible things to myself. The odd thing was I didn't feel angry, but I was thinking rageful thoughts. I ended up throwing my shaver against the wall a few times and beating my head against the shower wall a couple of times. Then when I went to my room I threw stuff and made a mess. I was so angry, yet I felt nothing, just an incredible urge to be destructive. I felt this way still shortly before breakfast too, having thoughts of throwing things. Instead of having urges to hurt myself I had urges to throw things around. I did actually feel better after I ate.

At least I didn't try to hurt myself. I much prefer this over hurting myself. I know it maybe has to do with depression or anxiety. Now that I think about it, maybe I do have depression, it's just that I don't show classic signs of it. Maybe my version of depression is just feeling really angry, frustrated and being out of my mind, or a nervous breakdown. Maybe I'm slipping over the edge or I'm just starting to. I don't know how much self control I have these days. Sometimes I feel like my mind is just trying to take me over.

I've have this guy I talk with on IM. I enjoy talking to him, but at the same time I hate it because I just hate talking in general. Yet, I love the things we talk about and we laugh together, but at the same time I just want to escape and be done with the conversation. That must sound really confusing, but I guess it's because I'm an introvert. This goes for pretty much everybody, I can enjoy the conversation, but at the same time I hate it and feel drained. It's so frustrating.

Sometimes I wish I could just enjoy the conversation and not want to feel like I need to escape. *sigh* I don't want to cut myself off from this guy, which seems to happen often whenever I get a new friend. I like talking to him, but I don't like the idea of talking in general, grr.

The Santa Ana winds are back and almost immediately it has started really bad wild fires. It's not good. There's even a fire fairly close to where I live. I don't think it will get to my neighborhood, but it's still bad. So many acres are being burned right now. It's not only here either, but all around Southern California. There are some in the LA area and even San Diego too. The Santa Ana winds always cause a lot of damage each year. The back of our fence was blown over and damaged. It can't be repaired. Of course we really need a new back part to our fence because it's weak. We can't let Luke out again without watching him. We must be getting 60mph gusts or something. There is smoke in the air. Only the Governator can save us now. Here's a link to an article on the fires http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=3760300 Like I said, it's bad and it's all over the news. They don't expect it to be fully contained until October 31st.

I actually had a dream because of this. A fire or some natural disaster was coming towards our house and we had limited time to grab our belongings. I started grabbing as many of my books as I could, but I was worried I wasn't going to make it and I was crying. That's probably what I would grab in the event of a real disaster. Well that and my pets and laptop. Let's just hope I don't have to ever worry about evacuation. Knock on wood.

I hope fellow Southern Californians are doing ok. 

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