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I don't know what it is about me, but I'm always having weird trouble with my car horns. On my last car (2000 VW Beetle) I had an electrical problem that periodically would cause my car alarm to go off after turning the ignition. I lived with it for far too long, and always had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I would start my car up. It was like Russian Roulette. Sometimes it would go off and other times I'd luck out and it would not. Well, I eventually got that fixed. Then I sold the stupid thing.

I thought my car horn problems were gone for good. Well, it seems there is some kind of weird annoying-car-horn-issues curse on me. It all started last night when I was waiting for my men's Bible study group to start. I was in my car listening to the Yankees/Indians playoff game. I was getting bored so I took out a coin from my pocket and started playing with it. Flipping it in the air, turning it over and over, and unfortunately, got it stuck in my steering wheel. You know, that little crease between the car horn and the wheel? I thought to myself, hmmm, that's not going to be easy to get out...um, it's getting further in...oh crap, it's all the way in now! I was trying to pinch it out with my finger nails, but I'd just clipped them recently and I only succeeded in pushing it all the way into the pad of the horn. I thought, well, let me try to turn the wheel. Maybe it will fall out. It didn't. In fact, it fell even further behind the pad. The horn went off. I jiggled it a bit and it stopped. Crap, I thought. Oh well, it'll come out later.

So I went in to my men's group forgetting all about it. On my drive home I heard someone tap their horn a few times at me. I thought it was someone from my group giving me a "see ya later" honk. I turned my head and saw no one. Then all of a sudden, it got louder and quick, like some sort of crazy speed-honking thing. It didn't take me long to figure out that it was me, and my coin was the source of this spastic honking. And then it just stopped. I knew it was only a matter of time...a bump in the road here, a sharp turn there. It was inevitable. I started having that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach again as I was nearing some cars that were stopped at a red light. I prayed, I held my breath. It seemed to work OK. But then as I was starting back up, it started doing it again. Cars moved out of my way. I felt horrible, but what can you do when you have a coin stuck in your steering wheel horn? You just keep driving. And that's what I did.

Eventually the coin kind of settled into a good spot and it didn't go off again. So I forgot about it...that is, until the next day when I was turning onto Greendale Road in Morton Grove. Again I prayed, held my breath, and pulled furiously at the horn cover, all to no avail. Most of the way my horn was half tooting at random. People must have thought I was completely insane. So I made it with only a few incidents on 294 and tried to keep as far away from other cars as I could. I'm just thanking God that I wasn't in gridlock where I could imagine some scary truck driver jumping out of their rig to kindly ask me why I'm honking like a rabid goose.

I finally pulled in close to my work and found a nice big empty parking lot where I worked furiously to dislodge my stupid coin, horn tooting at every attempt. All to no avail. I knew I was in for a rough day.

Eventually I mustered my courage and started asking people around the office if they happened to have a screwdriver on them. It was embarrassing explaining why I needed it. I told my story about 5 different times. You can imagine how much laughter that brought on.

My co-worker Heidi asked her husband to bring me some screwdrivers from home, and with their help, I managed to pull that stupid coin out. So if you are ever playing with a quarter, or heaven forbid, a silver dollar, for the LOVE OF GOD do not put it anywhere near your steering wheel. This is a public service announcement.

I just added some music from my roommate who is an awesome musician. Check it out Your Name by Ish Moreno, on my music player thing. He's currently in Nashville doing some touring and stuff.

This song he wrote Your Name is about this girl at his work who had cancer. Anyway, I figured I'd give him a little publicity.

If you're interested, go to his site www.hearish.com

I know this is a shot in the dark, but is anyone interested in starting a Fantasy Football league? I usually like to play on years when my team sucks, just so I have some reason to watch football, but my Bears are probably going to be good again. Anyway, I just thought I'd ask.

I had a very interesting dream last night. It's been a while since I've remembered any of my dreams, but this was one of those good dreams that you don't really expect to remember when you wake up.

I was dreaming that I was playing hockey, but not my usual position of goalie. I was playing offense. It was odd because in my dream I was skating rings around people and handling the puck like I've never even dreamed I could. No one could stop me and I was able to score two goals. One shot was from kind of far away.

When I woke up I immediately thought to interpret what my dream was about. I was still delirious, but I knew that it was significant. The fact that I was playing a position that I've never really played, and on the other side of the rink than I play. Not only that, but I was good!

I was thinking about how I'm starting to take some risks and making some tough decisions. I'm moving on from a bad relationship and I'm starting the process toward grad school. I've signed up for 2 psychology classes for this coming semester and I'm planning on applying for the Psychology/Counseling masters program. I'm going to be a therapist in a few years, God willing.

All these things coming in to line and me taking the bull by the horns has produced an amazing amount of confidence in me. Instead of doing what I'm comfortable doing, I'm stepping into new areas that I never thought I could do.

I see that my dream was a reflection of my attitude. And it feels pretty good.

I have a story that just came to my mind as I was thinking about my deep desire to help people. In a response to Hera's blog about shame I mentioned that my desire can kind of get off in bad ways when I get into rescue mode instead of selflessly laying down my hidden motives to be useful or worthy to others.

About a year ago my parents had an unwelcome guest in their yard. They live on an acre of land out in the country. They have a cat named Sophie. She's the cutest thing and we all love her, but she's kind of unassertive with other cats. So one day this little grey cat decided it wanted in on the action and started eating her food that my parents left for Sophie. She would get really scared and intimidated by this little grey tom cat. We all started hating that cat...that is except my dad.

My dad loved Sophie more than any of us and she knew it. She'd go by his workbench when he was doing his woodworking or just follow him around if he was walking in the yard. Anyway, we had a family picnic one Sunday and this little gray cat was seemingly always underfoot and causing trouble. Everyone was shooing him and spraying him with the water bottle my mom provided.

I know some of you will think less of me for this, but it's part of the story and important. I was getting really frusterated at the little grey cat and so I threw this chunk of icecubes from the cooler at him. It was a big chunk and I narrowly missed his head with it. As soon as I saw the little ice cubes flying all over the place after hitting the ground and the cat running for it's life, I was conscience stricken. Some of my younger cousins were shocked. Even though they were teasing him too, they were like, how could you do that?

I kind of laughed nervously and said, "no harm done." He's ok. But later on I was watching as everyone continued to shoo the cat and spray him. Then I saw my dad sit down on one of the lawn chairs and watched as the little grey cat jumped clumsily into his lap. What did my dad do but start to pet that filthy, sawdust covered runt. As I watched, I started to consider some things. I knew that they were planning on taking the little gray cat to the animal shelter in a few days. I knew that in an area like theirs that this little cat would most likely never be rescued. He was ugly, dirty, and feisty. No one would take that poor cat. I knew that most likely he would not last a month. I watched as my dad kept petting that dirty thing and I almost started tearing up. This could be the last time this poor cat would ever receive any kind of affection in his life.

I thought about all the people in this life who are just like that poor cat. Some are cantankerous and annoying to people. Some just don't fit in. Some want desperately to be loved, but no matter how hard they try, they end up on the outside. Unwanted. At that moment I realized that my life call would be to help people, even the ones who don't want help. I wouldn't force advice or try to rescue them out of their problems. I just wanted to be like my dad and give them all the love I can give while they can still receive it. Our time on this earth really is short, yet most of us find nothing but pain and rejection. Everyone deserves to be loved. Well, unless you're evil and are hurting others.

I guess I was just reminded about this. Whenever I've got hidden motives in helping people, it always ends up biting me in the butt. Whenever I somehow get past my selfish motives and truly love people unconditionally, it just feels so pure and so sweet. I'm created in God's image and I believe that deep down, a part of him is alive and working his love in and through me. Unfortunately it's not something that comes out very often. I'm still growing and maturing, but hopefully it will flow more naturally as I get older. Like it did in my dad. He didn't even know what he was doing. He just was.

Have you ever been to a restaurant with someone who is extremely demanding? I mean, the kind of person who complains that their water doesn't have a lemon in it or that the toast isn't as hot as they like it? I was with a guy who sent his fajita pita back several times because there weren't enough peppers and onions in them. He wasn't too gracious either when he was talking with the waitress.

I'm always embarrassed when I'm with someone like that. Ungratefulness is one of the things that really gets under my skin. I was thinking about this site and how it’s free for anyone to use. You don't have to pay a dime. You just sign up an account and away you go. It's really quite amazing. 20 years ago we never had anything like this. You just had to suffer alone or somehow find a support group. Good luck finding one by word of mouth, because you'd have to get past your shyness to ask.

Paranoia is another thing that bugs me. I have had two roommates who struggled with paranoia, to the point where I had to constantly remind them that the world wasn't going to end tomorrow and that, no, the CTA buses don't have secret surveillance cameras trained on you all the time. One of them struggled with schizophrenia. I didn't blame that guy because he couldn't help it. It was the other guy who kept feeding the fire by talking about how the government this and the government that...

I got into a heated discussion with him for 2 1/2 hours one night. I yelled at him until I was blue in the face, but people like that have this irrational fear of being controlled or manipulated. There's almost nothing you can say to someone like that. A person like that hears one little thing that may be shady and all of a sudden the world is about to end. There's no reasoning with people like that.

My view is that no one can make you do anything. No one can make you feel any particular way. You chose to feel that way. People like that have a hard time taking responsibility for their own actions. They fear someone is going to reject them, so they act all weird, become defensive, and guess what? Self fulfilling prophecy!

I suppose it takes one to know one. I wouldn't say I struggle with all out paranoia, but I do sometimes prejudge others as rejecting me before they are really doing it. I at least know that I'm not acting wisely. The ungratefulness thing though, I just can't stomach that.

Peace...that's something I've been finding here and there. Over the past 6 weeks, since my ex gf basically rejected me and cast me away as if I were a piece of garbage, I've been struggling to find it. Jesus is called the "Prince of Peace." He prayed to the Father before he was crucified that his children would have the "peace that surpasses all understanding." What is peace then? Is it simply an absense of conflict? If that's how it is, I don't think anyone has true peace. I believe that the true peace is not an absense of conflict, but a deep sense of belonging and acceptance in the face of so much conflict and rejection.

It's beyond human comprehension that a mother of 4 could ever have peace. But I saw it in my mother. I remember as a child, sitting on my mom's lap at church. I was sqirming all over and coulnd't sit still. She put her arms around me and started praying quietly over me. I can never remember a time before or since where I have felt such a flood of peace as I did at that moment. I was only 3 or 4 at the time, but it has stayed with me to this day.

Last night I experienced the peace that surpasses all understanding. I was praying for this wicked, evil woman who rejected me. I started off saying to God, "Lord, I don't want to do this. I don't want to pray for that...wich. But I feel I need to. I pray for her God, that she would know you. That she would turn away from the path she's on and come back into your loving arms." As I continued on, I began to feel the hatred and bitterness slip away. I became more confident and excited in my prayer. I actually started to care about her again. Not in the same way. I'll probably never talk with her or see her again, but I felt a mysterious connection with her and with God. I started seeing things from God's perspective.

He knew how badly she hurt me. He knew how badly she had hurt him as well. Yet his heart was for restoration. His heart was for his children to reconcile and be whole. I began to feel the peace flow like a river over my heart. It was a healing time for me.

So I guess nothing has really changed in my circumstances. She is still off with some other guy and running away from God, but I am on the path to forgiveness and healing. I can't say I'm completely there, but I think I made a big step.

In the past, and sometimes currently, I have this bad habit of not saying goodbye when I leave a party or family function. I'm not sure why I struggle with this. I've asked myself so many times, what's so hard about just saying the words "goodbye" or "see you later."

I would just skip out unannounced. My mom called me up one time after I did that at a family function. She was really angry with me and told me how rejected she felt. I was stunned. I didn't realize how my bad habit was affecting people. Later, I did the same to my friend, who would later become my girl friend. I left her birthday party without saying goodbye to her. At the time I remember thinking that since I didn't say goodbye to anyone, it wasn't really a "dis" to her.

She never really got over it. And I did it over and over to her. I have talked with my therapist about it and he asked me why I do that. I really couldn't answer him. I just didn't know.

Then I said, well, maybe it's because I'm afraid they won't care that I'm gone. Maybe if I just don't draw attention to myself, they won't treat me as if I didn't matter to them. Then all my abandonment stuff started coming up. We talked about it for a good long while.

The bottom line for me is that I discovered the root of it was a fear of rejection. I also subconsciously was testing people. If they didn't react to my passive leaving, they showed they really didn't care about me. If they reacted strongly, like my mom and my x-gf, well, that meant that they really did care. It was a way that I could determine love, albiet in a very sick, insecure way.

There's better ways, I've found. Ways that don't involve passive leaving. In fact, the issue is more rooted in our need for acceptance and love from others. Deep down, I didn't really accept who I was and desperately needed to know that I was lovable. Anyway, I'm not totally free from this habit, but I am more intentional about it than I once was.

So I guess I'm getting a taste of my own medicine today. And it tastes pretty bad, by the way.

Oh man, the other day at work I was caught up in a SA nightmare! It's funny in retrospect, but when I was going through it, it didn't seem so humorous. I was sitting in my cubicle minding my own business when this team of like 5 or 6 photographers and video guys were milling around my area. They were talking about what a perfect spot it would be to do the photoshoot. I was avoiding eye contact and looking for an excuse to get to the copy machine or to my co-worker's cube on the other side of the building.

Unfortunately, this lady caught me as I was trying to escape. She said "Oh, you're not trying to get away are you? We need you for something if that's alright. Being the compliant man I am, I said nervously, "uh, well, I guess. What do you need me for?" She told me that they were doing a video clip that would be used in Walgreens corporate shareholder's meeting in Las Vegas. She needed me to pretend I was talking with another female co-worker near my cube.

First of all, this female co-worker is really new and I never introduced myself before. Secondly she is incredibly beautiful. I was really annoyed but I did my best to pretend I was talking about business stuff, using a folder as a prop. They video guy took his sweet time getting the shot he wanted. Luckily they won't use the audio, but it was still very awkward.

I guess in all, I did ok, but at the time I was thinking, God, why do you mess with me like this sometimes! I was laughing about it later because of all the people they could have chosen, they picked shy old me! The lady later came back after doing the same for 2 other people and said, "oh, by the way, we're going to need you to sing a song for us too." I did a double take, but she started laughing and I said, "well, as long as you don't make me dance too!" We both had a good laugh.

Anyway, I guess I'm starting to see a lot of growth in my life. I think a year ago I might have just said I'm not doing it.

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