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It doesn't take much for me to feel as though I'm inconveniencing people at times. It seems easier to just not talk to anyone. Then I don't have it on my conscience that I'm causing a problem. I wonder where that little voice is that says hey, what u think and feel matters to! Instead of that voice that says you're talking too much or you're not talking about the right stuff! If I let my guard down, it's like I'm open to more then I can handle

My mom sometimes says that me and her are too sensitive. I don't see it as that. To me, it's more like an obsession....playing the same situations over and over again in my mind. And being self-conscious to me isn't being sensitive. I could be wrong about that. Maybe there are different levels of sensitivity.

My mother-in-law is a very sensitive person. She takes things the wrong way and everyone has to be very careful with what they say to her. Yet, she's insensitive in the things she says! Last summer I put on weight because I quit smoking (6 mos earlier) and got depressed. She went on and on about how pretty "I used to be". She said I had high cheek bones but they weren't as noticeable because my face had gotten fatter. She didn't think anything of what she had just said but internally, I was so pissed! I thought oh yeah, u have room to judge one's looks! I don't think that means I'm sensitive for getting upset about what she said. If I had no feelings at all like a robot, that's the only way it wouldn't bother me.

Last summer, my daughter was getting ready to go visit my in-laws for the week. I told my MIL, please don't let her watch any movies that are PG-13 or rated R. She looked at me like I just called her a shithead or something. She says (defensively) I won't, I don't hardly rent movies anymore. Well, that very next day, she rented one that was PG-13. My daughter (of course) remembered every nasty thing they said and did in that movie. She told me about the movie and I said that's just great....after I told her no movies like that and she agreed. My daughter told my MIL "Mommy got mad at u for letting me watch a bad movie cause you weren't supposed to let me watch it." Well, the MIL was mad at me the rest of the afternoon. She was pouting and she made sure we all knew she was mad. She laid on my daughters bedroom floor reading a book. She wanted to make sure we all saw her laying on the floor and she gave me the silent treatment all afternoon (as if that could possibly bother me). First she told me she didn't know that I said no bad movies cause she'd forgotten. Then she told me she rented the movie and she didn't care that it was PG-13 cause she thought it'd be okay.

I'm not anal when it comes to my kids but my daughter is a bit obsessive. She remembers particular scenes from movies for years and years! I learned that and I thought that since she was MY kid, that I could make some rules. But it's hard dealing with overbearing people who throw tantrums when they don't get their way. It's exhausting the way I think way too much.......about things that don't even matter. Realistically, I care about everyone's feelings but I do know there's no pleasing some people. It's a no win.

It's crazy that I can't kick things out of my mind.....things that bother me enough that it's been a year and some things that happened 3 years ago, and I think about it like it were yesterday!!

 

 

Stories like this are sad!!

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032619/#25392664

I'm finally motivated enough to look for a job. It's a big step since I haven't worked in almost 6 yrs. I'm going to try for a usps job either as a mail carrier or working in a mail room. The mail carrier job seems great since you work alone most of the time. It pays really good and doesn't require a degree. I sent off for the exam but the testing date probably won't be until Oct. I went to Hastings last night and got a book to study that has the same type of material that'll be on the exam. I'm excited. I really want this job!

I have an appt to see my therapist today. It's been about a month since the last visit. I dread it but try not to think about it too much. I tell myself things like what's the worst thing that could happen? It's not like I'll die in there! I also tell myself that I just don't care....I can say and do whatever I want. That must be how "normal," confident people think. The last time I went, the therapist asked if the other Dr mentioned increasing my meds. I said no, then she shook her head. She must've noticed that I was still nervous around her. She doesn't seem to know much about meds but I don't feel anywhere near as anxious (or depressed) as before. Also, it's not like the meds gets rid of my social issues but it does help a lot.

Not only was yesterday my Birthday but my little dog Mandy (in the avatar) turned 5. Maybe since we share a B-Day, that's why we're so compatible. We do have a lot in common. She's terrified of other people and she's very kind and considerate. She can't stand for me to go anywhere without her. I got her a package of bones and a little bunny squeaky toy so she is very happy :).

Her morning wasn't so good though. Sunday, I noticed there was a nail stuck in my van's tire. My husband took the tire off and said I should drop the tire off at Midas (Mon) and pick it up later. I always take my dog with me when I take my daughter to school and pick her up. Well, after we dropped her off, I went to Midas. I told the guy the tire needed to be patched and that it was in the back of my van. He wanted my keys so I thought well, maybe he's just going to get it out himself.

I told him there's a dog in the van and he said they'd let me know before bringing the van in the garage so I could get her out. I was wondering if I'd have to stand outside holding my dog and trying to get my 3 yr old to listen to me. I was sitting there when I looked over and saw my van in the garage jacked way up! Oh, my poor Mandy! The guy had fixed the tire and put it back on the van. He said he drove the van into the garage and when he looked over, my little dog was in the seat staring at him. The other guy hadn't told him she was in there! He said she must've been cold cause she was shivering. It was hot and she was shivering cause she was afraid. She probably wondered who the strange man was and wanted to know where I was. I'm glad she didn't have a heart attack!

My dad sent me a letter last week telling me that he realizes what a shithead he was to me when I was a kid. He has since called a couple of times and said he really meant what he said in the letter. He wishes he'd been more positive and appreciated me for what I was...a little girl. He said he treated me as if I was inconveniencing him all the time and now he's sorry.

I felt relieved more then I ever have in the last 31 yrs. But then he called last night and started running my mom down again. They've been divorced 8 yrs and he still brings up poo from 20 yrs ago. Plus, half of what he says isn't true. He takes bits and pieces of info and puts it together since he can't remember things that were said. He treated her far worse then he did my brother and I.

His mother was a mean-spirited, vindictive, nosey, gossipy woman and she was extremely jealous of my mom. His sister did everything his mom wanted to. They used to accuse my mom of cheating on my dad even though she didn't. It was him who ended up cheating. Either way though, my dad told me about a self-help book he's been reading and I said I've been helping myself with Paxil. He says, "I wish your mom would've started taking that years earlier so maybe she wouldn't of been complaining about how my mom and sister treated her". I said well maybe they should've been the ones taking the meds since they always started the trouble! Then he told me she could've just ignored them and I said grandma called our house every day. I don't think he liked that too much. Then he complained about how 20 yrs ago he wanted to move to the area (where he lives now) and my mom didn't want to. She told him in the winter, they may not be able to get out because of the hills and he said he doesn't have that problem. He thought my mom had to do every little thing he wanted and he still 817c#3$ about it.

I had good thoughts about him (when I got the letter) until he started complaining about her again. I don't think any self-help book could help him enough. He doesn't seem to realize that the way he treated my mom affected me more then anything and it still does. He's the one who cheated and married the woman he cheated with. He still has his job, nice home and cars. My mom lives on a small disability check in a small town with her dogs. She's very much alone and she never mentions him. I've told him that I don't want him talking about her and he may quit for a little while. But it doesn't take long and he's back to doing it.

Sometimes I think he lies to himself (and me) about her to justify his leaving. I'm not a good liar so I don't do it often. It's hard to understand some people.

Hope everybody has a good weekend!!

I've been taking Paxil for 10 days and it seems to be helping already. My in-laws came for the weekend and I wasn't anxious this time...and my mother-in-law didn't get on my nerves as she usually does. :). I haven't been depressed lately either. I don't remember how long it's been since I've felt this way .

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