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Today my family went to a BBQ at a family friend's house. It should have been ok, since most people were aunts,uncles, cousins and people I have grown up with.However, there were also a few people I didn't know. For some crazy reason I began to get really anxious and I felt crowded and like I couldn't breath. I had to hide in the bathroom for 15 minutes t compose myself. Then after that freak out I complelty worked myself up in a conversation with friends of the family and embarassed myself. I'm just dissappointed in myself. I thought I was pass this behavior.
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Posted On 06/23/2008 11:08:52
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I'm home again for the summer and Its been a little bit over a month and I already can't take it. I feel like I can't breath. My parents are always wanting to see me, expecting something from me. to be talkitive and social with them I don't always feel like that. Going to work is really aggravating my anxiety because I work in sales, so after work I really don't want to be around ANYONE. It is very emotionally draining and I just need to be alone. However, my parents don't seem to get this. I purposely will sleep for over 12 hours when I have the chance because I know it is one time that I won't be expected to interact with others. I can be happy and talkative when I feel like it, but I need space and me time and I can't seem to get it. That's my big issue with living at home. If I don't feel social then I'm being rude. This is when I miss living on campus. I miss dorm life. I'm getting more anxious because this is going to be my life semester of undergrad and that means moving back home for good. Financially I can't support myself yet and I can't imagine living home for more than three months straight. I feel like I'm going to completly lose it it I have to live here for longer that a few months.
My last post was my birthday post but I want to talk about some things that happened before that. I work in retail, specifically a eyewear sales. I am continually shocked that I can do my job and I do it pretty well. I'm not the best sales person but I am also not the worst. I probably could do better but I have moral issues with selling people things they don't need or want for marked up prices. Anyway to get to the point I was having a rough day. After finishing my finals I stopped taking my meds because for some reason I only think I need them for school. Now that I am back at home I have been feeling very crowded and anxious. My parents or family or friends are always there and I can never seem to get the same kind of alone time I do when I'm at school. At work my fellow employees were talking about a party at a club for one of my coworkers who was leaving. They asked me if I was going when they knew I would say no. Not only do I not like parties but as a Christian I don't think it's the most positive atmosphere for me. Then they proceeded to make fun of me. Saying things like I couldn't go because I had a curfew that was at 10pm or maybe 10:30pm, and other jokes about how I am some sheltered loser. Everyone was laughing and I tried to laugh along but I was really angry and embarassed. Yes, while I am under my parent's roof I cannot come home in the middle of the night but I do not have a fixed curfew. Thankfully one of my coworkers who is a christian said that he respected people who raised thier children with morals contrary to what society is doing. I thanked him and then a customer finally came in that I could help however I was very mad. Everyone treats me like a child. From coworkers, managers,parents, customers and strangers. I know part of it is that I look young but turning twenty two is nothing to me. I might as well be 16. I carry myself in a serious and adult manner and am not the typical young person but people younger than me seem to be treated with more respect. I think it has to do with me never having a boyfriend/any romantic male relationships. I feel that people sense this and know that I'm not as sexually mature as they are which is prized in this society so therefore I am not an adult and should not be treated as one. I feel like quitting my job. I hate it. I don't want people to be my best friend but I would like to be treated as a woman not a little girl. I am an adult with opinions and a sound mind. I'm already anxious and unsure of how to always interact in a friendly but still professional manner. I'm a serious person and will never be the life of the party but wish I could fit in. I feels like middle school again. I really don't want to repeat that, that was hell on earth. Any advice for a young adult who is still being treated like a kid?
Happy Birthday to Me! I'm a year older. Hopefully I can continue to work on loving myself and achieving the goals I have set for myself. I know it's not that easy but it is a blessing to celebrate my twenty second year of life on this planet. I have done so much and can do much more I just have to stay positive. Thnaks to God and and my wonderful and supportive family and friends that includes my SA friends that have been there for me. I am alive today because of all those people.
There are few days when I can say I'm really happy but today is one of them. I had my last final today. Even though it was math I still feel good about it. I prayed before the exam and felt really good. But the biggy was I got the internship I applied for. I'm really proud of myself because I worked really hard on the application. I'm going to be working for the Federal Government, I am so bad ass! Anyway to end the awesome day we rung the bells at my school. We went up to the top of the bell tower and got to hit the bells. I'm happy I did it. So, yea pretty freakin awesome day:)
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Yay!
Posted On 04/30/2008 04:35:28
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I finished and turned in my french paper! It wasn't my hardest assignment but I feel like its a step in the right direction. I t has been so hard completing my work this semester. I'm working on my research paper and I don't want to jinx it but I think I might actually finsh it for once. If you pray, keep me in yor prayers because this is around the time I usually crash and burn and I would like this year to be different.I'm proud of myself right now and I want that to continue.
May favorite poem and the only poem I have memorized is Emily Dickinson's poem: I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know! How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog! I loved this poem when I first discovered it as a preteen. I was shocked that someone had felt the way I did. I desperately wanted to meet that other nobody so we could be nobodies together. When I learned about her life how sad, how romantic it was to be in that attic cut off from everyone I felt connected to her. Here was someone who lived before me in another country and another time but had similar feelings. I was feeling a bit lonely today and this poem popped into my head again. It made me feel better and I wanted to know if nayone else had a poem that was close to them?
I don't know if this is the case for most people who have SA, but I know I have low self-esteem. I never think I'm quite good enough. The negative and sometimes obsessive thoughts that go along with the SA make it even worse. I can't feel good about myself becasue the SA is always there. If I have a day or week when I'm feeling particularly confident or positive I'll have a panic attack or do something to embarass myself in a social situation and then I start to feel bad. I really hate this because I'm not a negative person. I actually consider myself an optimist, but the feeling that I'm not good enough or that people can see all my faults follows me everywhere. Sometimes I try to figure out if the SA caused my low self esteem or if it was the other way around. I have always been like this. I remember being to shy to ask the teacher in 1st grade to use the bathroom an dhaving to wait until lunch time. I remember thinking that I deserved to wait because I wasn't brave enough to talk to my teacher. There are many other instances that I could think of that one just stands out because it was so so painful. Hopefully once school ends my anxiety will decrease as it usually does since I'm not around so many people and I'm not in such a stress inducing environment.
It's 4am and I still haven't slept yet. That's because I'm working on the rough draft of my research paper. I have a really bad track record with research papers. i have had 3 assigned previously and I have completed none of them. The closest I have gotten is 1 page and I just couldn't go ahead. I have done hours of research completed outlines and even talked to professors. However, when it comes to writing the research papers I just can't. Now I'm back in the same position with a professor I have had before. I'm so ashamed and angry at myself.The rough draft is for peer review and that makes it even worse. Even though our names won't be on the papers I justam freaking out. Its due at 11:30am and I haven't written one word. I was so positive this weekend when I was working on my outline but now I just feel the same sense of dread. I won't let myself sleep because that would be giving up but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I just don't understand how my anxiety can be so focused on such a specific part of school. I've written long papers before. As soon as someone puts research in front of paper I freak out. I have felt physically ill this past weekend and today and I know it's because of the paper. My head feels so crazy right now and I feel like I'd rather hurt myself than experience this and dissappoint myself, my classmates, and my professor. It seems really extreem and stupid to feel all of this anxiety over school work but I can't help it. I'm so close to graduating and I want to prove to myself that I could do it. That I have what it takes to be a good student. I'm supposedly a smart person but I can't handle this. I realy can't handle this stress.
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