It was last year after a failed job attempt that I decided to return to school to better myself.  (online of couarse)  I am hoping to find something that I will be good at, something that won't cause me to panic, and eventually start to take my life back.  For the most part I do well,  I was always pretty inteligent in High School, and graduated with really good grades.  I do well in my studies except for algebra.  ( Ya see, back in the day we did not have to take that stuff---I'm old!)  So, if anyone can help me with that that would be great. 

For me, going back has shown me that I can do something.  That I am not as big as a failure that I always believed myself to be.  It has been a kind of therapy for me. 

I will keep all updated on my progress in this venture

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It was last year after a failed job attempt that I decided to return to school to better myself.  (online of couarse)  I am hoping to find something that I will be good at, something that won't cause me to panic, and eventually start to take my life back.  For the most part I do well,  I was always pretty inteligent in High School, and graduated with really good grades.  I do well in my studies except for algebra.  ( Ya see, back in the day we did not have to take that stuff---I'm old!)  So, if anyone can help me with that that would be great. 

For me, going back has shown me that I can do something.  That I am not as big as a failure that I always believed myself to be.  It has been a kind of therapy for me. 

I will keep all updated on my progress in this venture

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I love to write, I find that I can express through writing what I am not able to articulate.  In a sense this has been good therapy for me.  This is my latest creation that just got published through my school.  I wrote this very quickly while at work.   ( I get paid to just sit around)

Standing as though invisible,

Desperately looking at the others

From inside of this dark prison,

Watching friends unite.

They can’t hear the screams!

The blood curdling cries,

That reminds me of my failures

I stand alone.

Desiring to be visible,

Hoping someone will look

Past a guarded expression,

And stand with me

But sentenced I am

To everlasting torture,

And it seems that as always,

I stand alone

Rising, churning, and twisting

From the depths within my soul,

I face turbulent horrors

And all alone

No one knows I’m here,

Being a confined prisoner,

I can’t make them see

So I stand alone

This really speaks of how I feel about all of this

            &nb sp;       

This one was published as well and I wrote it in memory of my mother who recently passed away.

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Having grown up in a small town, and I mean small,(less than 4,ooo) I feel that I have some insight into them.   Most people think that small towns are quaint little hamlets where everyone knows everyone and that life is simpler there.  And in many ways that is true.  Granted we don't have the crime rate here that many towns have.  I am not that far from Pittsburgh or Youngstown, and the crime rate there is much higher.  And yes, you do know many if not all the people in these small villages.  But that in itself is not always a good thing.  In a small town such as mine, knowing every little detail about someone is not always advantageous.  When you know the mistakes that someone has made, or the trials that they go through it is easier to pre judge them.  And of cousrse even if you do not know someone directly it is probable that you know of them, or know someone who does know them.   For instance, I knew a guy who overdosed on drugs for the second time this year.  And being small and close knit as we are, everyone had an opinion on this.  The sad thing is since he is prejudged, he will not get the support and help that he needs to get through this tough time . 

And everyone knows everybody elses business and they stick their noses into it.  If you confide in someone here you confide in the whole community. 

I think that there is also an heir of paranioa that reings in these small towns.  I think that it is so funny when you are in town, and someone spots a license plate off of a car from another county.  Before you leave town you certainly will know about it.  They feel that it is trouble lurking in our midst. 

Some of the downsides to small town living is the oppurtunities are not always here.  For example work is really hard to come by in areas like this.  One must drive a good distance to a bigger city to get any kind of gainful employment beyond a few fast food places are greasy spoons that we may have here.

There is not much in the way of entertainment either.  There are no movie theaters, no godd restaruraunts or clubs, no arenas for sporting activities.  Beyond staying at home and watching tv there is nothing except going to someone elses house to sit and watch tv.

But it does have its good points as well.  There are a sense of closeness and values that are present here that I did not see when I lived outside of Detroit.  FOr the most part people are not in a hurry here like they are in bigger towns and the friendships are genuine here.  People stop to help one another and support one another and that is a good thing.

For me, I just do not know where  I fit in.  In some ways I liked the big city because I felt I could get lost in the crowd easier there.  Here, I just do not feel that people really understand what I go through.  Here the thinking is still in the dark ages especially when it comes to things like mental health.  There is still a stigma to it here, and that can be exasperating at times.  When people do not understand they are afraid.  And soemtimes I get the feeling that they look at me like some kind of nut job.

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