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It’s so pathetic being single and having to sit through those slow songs that seem to never end. At that point the whole world knows you feel pathetic and a sense of unwanted sad pity comes raining down on you. Of course, someone pulls you into a twist and shout song and suddenly you are forcing yourself to enjoy being back where you belong, in a feel good place? You can’t seem to find the beat, trying to make yourself get lost and free as you suddenly become disconnected from everyone. You are trying to find it but you realize that you are standing in one place clapping off beat, watching everyone else, as the music is passing by and bye. Then the lights get dark and its back to sitting down, watching couples, watching what you don’t have, not knowing what to say to those who have that same wonder of you, and that all singles dread to hear out loud because it speaks volumes of being pathetic. You dread those lights to turn on as the spotlight hasn’t turned off on you and the song just takes forever to end. You dread those lights to come on to be pulled into dancing off that pathetic stench and for everyone else to feel good that there isn’t anything wrong. You are dancing to be at that place with everyone else.
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zzzz
Posted On 02/03/2008 03:46:59
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I am finally making it! I just moved out of my folks house and living in a healthly enviroment. However, I can't enjoy it as I found out that my TSH levels are abnormally low. It makes so much sense now, why I'am so tired all the time. At first I thought depression but this moving out is something I've been wanting forever and no way can depression sink down on me now. I am really internally mentally in a good place. Physically though, I am just wipped out by the end of the week. As a true SAer, I am affraid to open up about this due to judgement, plus I work in a enivorment that you have to be physically top on your game, no weakness as it would set a bad example for the patients, heck, I can't say that I announce my SA everyday or any time soon. There is usually two topics I keep a closed door on: love and health. Those are not safe topics for me to open up about to just anyone...SA thing. Anyway, I haven't gotten it all straighten out what is physically wrong, for all I know it could be that fatigue syndrome. Anyway, been really preoccupied with the moving but had to share the hope to those that are miserable living with the folks. Dreams do come true ; )
so overwhelm with decisions. I think I am getting depressed.Can't seem to find the interest to write this or log on as I use to.It's almost like it's never enough, like a wall I keep on hitting. I thought I would never make it through the holidays, it's so difficult, no one really understands...
so tired of seeing people leave, what is this any way, just an escape, a moment of support, of hugs, of attention. so tired of this drop , I wish I could leave this SA, I would be fooling for avoiding , for denial, that this isn't good enough, taking a chance on what I could be, to be good to me. why so simple, so complex to break?so tired of people leaving, such distance, such a cut off, as if everything that was created with high expectations are full of poo.... didn't mean shit, and was a bad waste of time, resulting in what SA has taken away and the absolute feeling of alone....why are people leaving, there has to be something better that we can do, can stay, to not be so departed, so de-attached,instead a carton of mixtures that make SA a block of the same rerun commercials for anti-depressants that now turn into depression,making it a safe acceptance, so many days of rain with this SA, are we ever going to be better as what we are here? so frustrating seeing people leave..
my loneness at work usually presences itself during lunch time. I go into the cafeteria and it's too crowded, it's a stage and there is no way of clearly knowing who controls the spotlight. I go to my desk only to wait for a conversation starter to come at me, or drum up something worth talking about to people who are far far away from my age and just assumed that I have a wild story to tell them, some smashing party of a weekend that would get some laughs around the office. It's like I am swimming on safe ground at my desk but there is hardly anyone to swim with the current of company. There is always a distance, a something that makes conversation at lunch so hard to feel anything but alone. I hate lunch. I use to hate breakfast for the simple fact of having difficulty digesting a bowl of cereal. Now it's lunch for social isolation? It was odd on Friday when a few of us saw a gathering of coworkers, food being passed, and chatting it up just at the other end of our offices, within walking distance. The director just stood there wondering what the heck was going on. I found it odd that there would be such seclusion during lunch on a Friday with the director not knowing or no announcement being made of it. I probably should have gone down there to see what it was all about but I had my lunch and figured I rather be sitting on the director's side than appearing to be asshole that didn't bothered to invited the person that hired me. I guess, we all have our issues at lunch...
So I am watching my patient on the weights as the stench of body odor coming from this patient is just hitting me with a headache. For awhile, I didn't realize that I was standing in a glaze at another therapist that had his patient on a full body exercise machine. I noticed that the patient wasn't wearing any shoes but instead had the regular socks on when pushing down on the pedals. It was alarming to me because of liability issues, had that patient gotten off the machine after working up a exhaustion she could have slipped on our hard gym floor. I might have been over reacting but patients are impulsive and can easily lose balance of things. As I was standing there in deep analysis of the situation with a intension headache this male aide had stood right next to me, very close, in my face, telling me that I haven't smiled all day and I need to do it. It was so embarrassing, right in front of my patient, and in front of another coworker as my face turned red. I could feel it burning red as my mind went blank not knowing how to respond to it. I said that I will try to smile more for him as he buzzed off, giving me a pat on the back.Ugh! the physical touch of him patting me on the back with a semi-hug, as if I was a wounded little puppy getting a pat of approval from my new owner. My patient didn't respond to me at that point, probably seeing a weak red faced therapist that couldn't respond to some jackass remark and now crumbling during the treatment session. For some impulsive reason I went up to that therapist with the patient that didn't have any shoes and pointed it out. Maybe I wanted to prove that I had it all together and was able to give an answer whiles keeping leveled. This didn't happen though, as I talked my voice had cranked and I couldn't catch my breath, realizing that the shoes were actually there just off to the side of the machine in plane sight. I wanted to shot myself right there, who knows what my patient was thinking as I quickly took the patient off the weights, my coworker looking at me up and down, and the other therapist I overheard him say that I had "freaked out" about the shoes and was laughing it off with his patient. I had to vacant the uncomfortable area as my headache turned into a flaming migraine by the end of the day, causing no sleep for me last night. I saw the aide at the end of the day and just gave him a big sucker fake smile as he said, "now that's more like it". I just don't understand this obsession about having to smile. I do smile with my patients and coworkers, I am not stomping around with a rain cloud on my face. It was the smell that was bothering me and had he asked in a more professional matter, such as "how are you doing? I would had whispered it to him. It could be so simple, why people don't see it??
so i get this invitation to a house party from a coworker, which was exciting! I 've never gotten an invite before to a party....the excitement comes from knowing that someone would include me that I am apart of the club! Of course, the SA sank in as the excitement was a short flare in my mind. I thought of: only if she knew ...as i come off all busy during the weekend by not saying much about it, trying to avoid conversation of it. The constant thought of me coming alone to this party as everyone else at work is pretty much married. Obviously, going to bring the family that comes up in conversations during lunch hour at work.It's a good way to avoid conversations about yourself by putting the spotlight on people who have constant family drama or take an "active role in their children's lives". Oh, you just gotta love those types of parents....However,I can't go. I actually have a valid reason. Believe me, i would go because this coworker is the sweetest and she also is alone, and could use a friend just as much as I can. I am attempted to ask her if she would like to hang out during the weekend but SA is holding me back on that for some reason. On the day of the party i have a conference to go to all day that i had to prepaid a lot of money to attend to get my credits in my field. This is another event that i want to avoid because i will be seeing old classmates (unexpectedly) and just the thought of being in a crowded room spends me hitting the SA wall. It's also exciting because it's my first time i had a chance to go to a conference. I ended up getting sick really bad to the last one and had to hear about how much fun my classmates had to together the next day in class. I lost money on it and the experience, as i had to also put together a picture album of our class and there were some funny pictures of that conference experience. Sometimes, i really miss my classmates as i already promise one of them that i would go with her to this conference. I actually rather go to a party with people that I expect to be there and know presently than go to a conference that i really don't know what to expect. However, I don't know about the people at my work... There is still that issue as this married coworker asked me again if I wanted to have drinks with him after work. I kind of laughed it off and expressed the ultimate tiredness I was feeling from work. Believe me, I wasn't asking for it as I don't find him attractive and have spoken with him about his family many times. The other day I saw a coworker give another coworker a massage, both are married (not to each other). I don't understand this! Married people out there, what is wrong with you!!!Why aren't you doing that with your actual wife/husband, just the placing of the hands and physical contact , also the thought process that goes with it. But then again would it be okay if the married man did it to a single lady? Maybe since the two of them are married it's perfectly okay? I guess, it would be all the same to me,married is married, physical contact and the act/suggestion of having a good time is something you get at home if married. Where is the boundary...
At the end of Friday at work I was packing up, ready to get the heck out of there since I just went through paperwork that consist of doing calculations, grids, numbers, minutes, codes and crap. I didn’t think much of it when my coworker and my director were planning on meeting up somewhere as they are both in their 40-50’s and have been working there for a long time. Suddenly, my director bluntly asked me in front of everyone, “Are you seeing anyone? I was frantic as this was coming out of left field for me. It’s only been roughly a month in this job and I am still learning names. I assumed she was going to hook me up with someone, so automatically a lie came out of me and I stated that I was seeing someone as everyone eyes were directly on me. This director had stated that they were planning a singles night out and just wonder about my status. I know it’s bad to lie, especially to your director but how the hell was I suppose to know that she was inviting me to go out with them. Heck, I didn’t know that she was a single mom or what her status is. However, it’s kind of awkward going out with your director and with people twice your age, pretty much my parent’s age! I left there quickly before anyone could ask me about this imagery boyfriend. I don’t know what the heck to do? Obviously, end the lie because I’ve been down that road of make believe and it’s just a lie on top of another crap of lies. It’s so hard to be alone, seeing people my age already married, already spoken for, already in company, not having that awkward invite that suppose to be genuine and grateful but makes it feel so desperate, so last resort, last person to be picked. I don’t know…. I just never encounter someone of that age group or title making such an invite. I remember my first job when I worked with people my age and I always turned them down when they invited me to hang out with them. It was always an excuse, always had homework to do on the weekend, always so tired, always a headache, anything just to avoid. For what ? Not to feel my hands tremble, my face turn hot, my voice crank, the pressure, the pressure of not knowing what will happen if for once I open up and walk into different relationships. I am trying hard to break this cycle that I didn’t know when I was avoiding invites like that early on. I was so unaware of my avoidant behavior that really broke me, broke me away from relationships. Maybe I should take them up on their offer. I am sick of being alone, everyday alone, every holiday alone, taking a picture with only me in it…a simple picture, alone, something as little as a picture. I am ranting like an idiot. My eyes are getting sore and it’s getting late to be thinking these thoughts before going to bed as I will never get to sleep with these thoughts circling in my head. I know the truth is going to hurt but I just have to break this cycle.
Now looking back on it I am surprised that I had enough courage to do it alone. I was 23yrs old and just full of determination that I owed it to myself to see what the group was all about. I was really into "the quick fix" of medication and just started therapy at the time. I thought that I would always have this burning curiosity bubbling up inside me if I didn't go to this group. I am not going to disclose the group's name but it was mainly for agoraphobiacs, as well as other anxiety disorders. I had a college class that morning and had skipped lunch, considering I didn't realize how bad the traffic was during the lunch hour, which was when the group started. I was expecting this group to be some big clean professional looking doctor's building, instead it was a dinky looking barber shop type complex next to a retail outlet store for shoes, which is actually the main head quarters for the group. The first thing that hits me as I enter the building was the smell, it just reeked of muffballs, dustballs, and old people funky smell. The host told me to wait in her small office, which was a calamity of clutter, filled with pictures mostly of old people huddled together with smiles at different parks, malls, and other recreational spots. There were tons of leaflets about the group and a bunch of Christian junk surrounding me in this small office with no windows. The host handed me a bunch of newsletters from past months meetings, asking me how long I've had anxiety, which I couldn't answer. She was old, with dopey eyes, and hunched back, as I assumed that SA didn't hit her generation, knowing little about it, and kept questioning my SA, as if coming there was impossible for someone who claimed to be scared of social interactions and going to such functions. I remember getting that a lot when I first started treatment. The meeting was held in the basement of the building (seriously) all small, musty, dark, and empty. There was 3 other older adults, who were members over 40 yrs old. I was the only young one there, feeling so out of place. There was this guy who looked psychotic with greasy hair and thin frame as he nervously looked at the ground. The oddest thing about him was that he had long finger nails that were polished and well kept. There was this lady who looked really sweaty, and had too much makeup on, just caked on her. She seem to jerk her head rigorously with what anyone would say as she said very little. The last member was a mother who had lost her daughter in a car accident. The mother was the one driving and the daughter was the one that didn't make it. I didn't pick up on the whole story since I was new and anxiety was running high in me. The mother was crying the whole time there, expressing how hard it was for her to move forward, to get out of the house, to live again and how lucky I should be. I felt so small at that point, so very small... I remember breaking into tears, face burning red, and choked up every time I tried to talk about me, my SA and even depression. At one point, I was suffocating with guilt of selfishness for sitting on my SA so casually while right across from me was someone that was at the edge of insanity and deserved more help. It was too much for me as I made up a lie, stating that I had an appointment to get to and couldn't stay for the whole group. I believe the group was two hours and I think I only stayed for 30mins or hour. It was a relief to get out of there as I didn't feel the least bit bad about leaving that basement. I never went back there again. I am not trying to discourage people from going to support groups as I share this experience. It was my first support and it wasn't the right one for me. I am still opened minded to support group as I believe they are a great benefit towards a healthier life.
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