So tonight is the night I've decided to finally broach the subject of a possible relationship to the guy I've been hanging out with since November. 

I can't even describe how terrified I am to do this.

Not because dating scares me, or because relationships scare me, but because of the uncertainty I feel, and the knowledge that what I want may be worlds away from what he wants (and I'm afraid of him thinking that I'm living in a little romantic bubble, conjuring up cozy domestic scenarios for himself and I.  I'm not delusional - we're friends, at the moment, nothing more.  I'm just curious about whether he's ever considered making it something more, but conveying that without coming across like a swooning middle-schooler ("Do you like me, or do you LIKE-LIKE me!?!") gives me pause).

In some ways, being such a total pessimist makes me think that any reaction that ISN'T him demanding I leave his property immediately or laughing in my face (and then, I don't know, pushing me down the stairs or something) will be just a massive relief. 

I'm just afraid of making the friendship awkward if he's not interested (and, seriously, I am fine with being simply friends.  I am.  I'm not going to pretend that I DON'T want somethng more, but I understand that things aren't always going to work out that way, and I WILL get over it - again, though, conveying that without making a massive speech is something I'm unsure of how to do, because I don't want this to come across as a huge bloody proposal).  I've been playing through scenarios in my head, hoping to find an opening in which to casually bring the suggestion/question up without feeling like I'm putting him on the spot, but at the same time I want to be clear with my feelings and intentions...

I'm caught between wanting to be as straightforward as possible, because honesty is, I find, generally a preferable quality and is the "adult" thing to do; and wanting to couch it in more "sensitive" language, because discretion and tact are essential in asking sensitive questions, and that would be the "adult" thing to do.

I don't even know why I'm blogging this, because I may not even get to have this conversation tonight (not only if the right opportunity comes up or not, but we may not even be alone tonight, and no doubt I want to do this one-on-one, obviously), but I needed to vent to people who might understand how I feel.

Usually, guys I have NO interest in are very upfront about wanting to be with me; the first guy in years that I'm actually interested in is the first guy in just as long NOT to push for something more.  WTF, lol.

Anyway.  I got home from work not too long ago, need to have some coffee and eat something (maybe relax a bit) before heading out.  Ciao, people.

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I'm not returnng to fanfare and exaltation, I realize that.  I am returning, however; better than I was the last time, but still in need of the support that I feel I can get most readily here, because I feel that people here better understand the nature of the problems I have.

Recapping the last -- whoa, six months? -- I am occasionally able to carry on brief conversations at work with my coworkers, I am more than able to work effectively with my students, and I have met a new friend online who I have been hanging out with regularly since November.  I feel more confident in meeting new people now that I know I can do it successfully.  I've even forced myself to call him several times despite hating it to my very core and inviting him out.

Two nights ago, I called FOUR people spur of the moment to invite them to hang out on Saturday night.  That is uttely huge for me.  I've also invited ten people over this coming Saturday for a "party" (which will basically be a geekfest with alcohol, lol).  I'm never going to be completely at ease with myself around oher people, but I am capable of stepping back and appreciating the progress I've made.

My main need for support at the moment is that I am feel more and more the desire to be in a relationship -- or rather, the desire to explore the possibility of relationships (I don't want to force a relationship just for the sake of having one, but I finally feel like I may be approaching a point where I am capable of and ready for some level of deeper intimacy -- wih th right person).   The guy I met online in November is someone I am very, very interested in, but I have no idea what his level of interest is -- and this is a situation I've never been in before.  Previously, all me interest has always be of the "admire from afar" sort, and all interest dierected towards me was unwanted an/or coming from inappropriate places.  This is the first time I have had a serious interest that I wish to pursue, and no clear indicator of where the other person stands.

Anyway, I just wanted to say "hello, I will be here more often again" and wish everyone well -- I'm not okay, but I'm getting better, and I hope you all can say as good or better :) 

Cheers.

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So... um, hi?

I can't believe nearly two weeks has gone by without me updating here; one of my coworkers said it too, the last two weeks have just totally flown by. It's ridiculous. Anyway, work is going well. Still slow, until the homework and projects get in to full swing, and then I can expect to be utilized much more often. There's still about a half dozen to ten kids who I work with on a regular basis, though, so I'm not just sitting around all the time :)

Most of my kids are back in LC this term, with one notable exception whom I miss immensely (we were really close; I had him one-on-one in various situations since his Sophomore year. He's a Senior now). It's so weird to look around at the kids and realize that the kids who started with me - the kids with whom I've been working since, in some cases, their very first day of high school - are Juniors now. I honestly don't remember high school flying by this quickly when I was actually attending.

Next week we have the first meeting of the Anime Club, and I want to do something with NaNoWriMo as well, so I'll have extracurriculars to take care of (Theresa, I think, told me to ask if there was a stipend for Faculty Advisors who did after school activities; I really, really should). Things will be back in ful swing (next week is the first full week; we only had two days the first week back, and this past week we had Thursday off because of Rosh Hashana), and things will be back to normal.

In other news: the apartments below my folks are empty and my sister and I are moving in as transitionary tenants - we all decided it was the best solution to out situation (our situation being, we were living here because my folks couldn't afford to lose the collective income. We were also getting ticked off, because we couldn't calculate an effective or practical budget because everything was collective, so we weren't even sure we'd be financially capable of moving out (aside from the initial move itself). So now, we're paying rent, cable, phone, utilities, food, etc., like a "proper" tenant, which will help our folks out as well as create a situation where we can figure out what our independent budget looks like. Yay!)

Also, the guy I started talking to online in August and I are not only still talking, but meeting up next Saturday. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous as hell, but that's normal for me, and I'm also looking forward to it.

After being a fan for almost four years, I've secured "Wicked" tickets for myself and a fellow (MASSIVE) fan-friend.

Went out for sushi and shopping two nights ago and recieved an impromptu call from a friend inviting me to drinks, and while there, recieved an impromptu call from family inviting me to coffee, lol. Yesterday I headied out to Andover Days despite the pouring rain, and then over to see The Nanny Diaries with some friends.

Life, all in all, is rather fine :) Hope you all can say the same.

Cheers.

(Oh, also, I've watched the first two series of the new Doctor Who, and DAVID TENNANT IS THE SEX. That is all).

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Hey-- thanks to everyone who replied to my last blog post.  I spent a good chunk of the weekend with Lance and Christine down at the Commons at the Italian Festival (third-generation 100% Italian, here!)  Met up with a couple of cool people, had a lot of fun with the live music and the parades.  This always marks the end of summer, and it always kid of makes me sad...

 Anyway, I've not been around the last few days because of the Festival, and also because I've been looking for a second job -- and I may not be around much in the coming days because school is back in session come Tuesday, which means I'm back to work. 

Things are going well so far, and I attribute part of that to having found this site -- being able to read about and share experiences common to the SA crowd has been great.  Being able to come here and be ecstatic about IMing someone, and having people give me a genuine congratulations, or having people actually sympathize when I say I "just can't" pick up the phone has been huge.

I'm not leaving the site, but if I'm not around for a while/don't get back to you for a while, that's why :)  Those of you going back to school/back at school as well, have a great beginning-of-the-year; I'll be sure to let you all know how the first wek goes.

Ja ne, people.

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Let's see how clearly I can vent this...

Lance and his girlfriend came back to the house after PR the other night; it was him, me, her, my sister, and my friend Melissa.  So we're sitting in the parlor, and Christine just sort of sits in her chair and says nothing.  Now, she was surrounded by people she didn't know, but who all knew each other, so I could understand why that would be awkward for her, but I felt really awful because my social anxiety makes it hard for me to engage with new people, too, and I wasn't quite sure what to say to draw her in to the conversation (I kept sort of hoping that Lance would do that, himself).

Anyway, when she leaves to excuse herself to the bathroom, Melissa remarks that maybe Christine is tired (it was past midnight) because she was so quiet, which is when Lance tells us that Christine has Social Anxiety Disorder.  Which, in a way, made me feel even worse; hers is clearly more severe than mine (not by a hell of a lot, but by a signifigant enough margin), and I started thinking that I probably should have read the signs earlier (when we'd gone out to dinner a couple of weeks previous, I don't think either of us looked at the other once, lol; we've clearly both got the same issues with eye contact). 

But anyway, now that I know it's more than a simple case of her being shy, I'm even more anxious about trying to engage her in conversation - I'm afriad it'll make her feel more put on the spot, or "on stage" - but likewise, I hate "ignoring" her - which I already feel like I'm doing on some level because of my own SA, and which I feel may be playing more into her being quiet, because she feels like I'm avoiding her - does any of this make sense?  Ugh.

I guess what I'm saying is, short of announcing, "HAI I HAVE SA TOO LOLOLOL!!!!1!" how do I develop any sort of rapport with her?  Is this what face-to-face interaction between two SA people is doomed to be - an endless game of avoidance?

(PS:  There really needs to be more Mood options available, fer realz.)

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Cut and paste right from my LJ ;) 

Lance picked Mel and I up at - well, technically at 11:00, though we didn't get on the road until 11:30 - and we hit the road.  The drive up to Mansfield, by the by, felt a lot longer on the way up than it did on the way back.  The fact that Lance was going about 80 mph may have contributed to that, but I digress.  As he's driving us up there, he mentions that he needs to collect Christine from work to bring her to the show.  Problem is, Christine doesn't get out of work until 3:00, and she lives about thirty miles away from Mansfield - and the Tweeter doesn't allow re-admission.  So when we got to the venue at 1:00, Lance had to drop us off and immediately turn around, go back thirty miles (back along the road we just drove), and wait for Christine.  Meanwhile, Mel, Joce, and I wandered around inside, during which time three things happen:

1.)  We become increasingly horrified at the price of food and drink.  Eight bucks for a ######## Dixie Cup full of beer?  $&#^% that, I'll stay sober.
2.)  We realize that the entire concert has been really ill-planned out, in that no one knew what the line-up was prior to getting into the arena, no one had directionals indicating where the Revolution Stage was, and we stumbled into everything almost purely on chance.
3.)  We were propositioned by two men, who want to put our pictures on a sleazy website.  We turned them down, but still - score.  Now I feel like I've done Projekt Revolution.

We hung out by the Revolution stage for Saosin, who were good, and lamented that Lance was going to miss the band he'd been looking forward to the most - Mindless Self Indulgence.  And it was really a shame, because Jimmy Urine puts on one hell of an entertaining show.  Like I said, I can take or leave MSI - I really like a few of their songs, I listen to them casually, but I'm not a big "fan" - but they are amazing live.  Jimmy's got the best sense of humor, and I like a show where you can headbang and laugh.  And I still ######## have "Stupid Motherfucker" stuck in my head.  (PS:  We like Jimmy Urine because he's creepy and cute - he might have to register as a sex offender, but he's a Pokemon and we want to collect his balls.  Mm-hmm).

Walking back from MSI, I ran into one of my graduated Seniors, who saw me, did a double take, and broke out into a broad grin.  "Oh my God, how are you?  MSI were really good, weren't they?  Wow, I was just thinking, 'Gee, I haven't seen anyone I know, and then it's like, whoa, oh my God, a teacher.'"  I know the kid, his brother, and his circle of friends pretty well, so it wasn't really awkward - he knew I was into the music and everything - but it was the one time that night that I rethought the major cleavage-revealing tank I was wearing.  Ah, well.

Anyway, after MSI, there was a lull during which we grabbed more food ($6.50 FOR A CHEESEBURGER, WTF) and then headed into the assigned seating for Julien-K - who is actually pretty good, and I'd like to hear more of when he finally releases an album.  After Julien-K, the other act the Lance had really wanted to see - Placebo - came on.  Again, I feel really bad that Lance was missing them, but it was still so, so nice to finally see them live.  And Brian Molko has hair again!!  It's funny, though: my mum told me about the time she was supposed to see Bowie, during his glammed-out, Ziggy Stardust tour, but it got cancelled cancelled; and when she finally got to see him, it was during his Thin White Duke stage - and he was wearing a black suit and a white shirt - and she was disappointed.  Well, Joce and I kind of felt that way about Placebo.  They played some of my favorite songs - "Every You and Every Me," "Special K," "Nancy Boy," "Meds" - and Brian looked good, but alas, he was dressed only in a white button down shirt and black slacks.  Sigh.

Also, Placebo was apparently having a signing after their set.  We beat feet out of the arena (wanting to see Placebo, but not wanting to miss HIM) to try to find them, but to no avail.  It was only later that Lance would casually remark that they had been right next to him.  Son of a 817c# (the situation, not Lance.  Not this time, anyway).

HIM was likewise good.  He went through a period where he was looking a little less like himself, but he looked very, very good, and he did "Killing Loneliness," which is my favorite song by them. I absoluely adore the fact that he performed his entire set while clutching a cigarette. He's such a shy little boy, too.  It was tres adorable.

Taking Back Sunday was good, but while I thought I must have heard something by them before, I recognized absolutely none of the songs they performed.  It was at this point I sort of tuned out - in a positive way, seriously - and just sort of started taking in everything around me.  The sea of people screaming, the ever deepening darkness (Tweeter Center is an outdoor arena), the boys behind us who were alternately amusing and obnoxious.  It was a good night.  It really was.

My Chemical Romance was - great.  Okay, and musical elitists can poo on me all they want because it's MCR and OMG EMO!!!, but I had a ######## good time during their set (and the fact that Gerard appointed himself the sherriff of emo town made me lol).  I like their songs (they aren't favorites of mine, but I enjoy them), the banter with the audience was cute as shit, the energy level was amazing, the audience enthusiasm was addictive, and $&#^% you all, Gerard Way is hot.  By the time they did "Welcome to the Black Parade," it was dark out, you could see a sea of waving arms in the audience, and they entire opening of the song, along with every chorus, was sung in perfect sync with Gerard - it was wonderful.  Um, and Gerard in a feather boa and black eyeliner commanding the guys in the audience to take of their shirts - and all the guys doing it?  Must I ennumerate the awesomeness that that is???

We sadly had to leave early during the Linkin Park set because Jocelyn had been up since 4:00 am, Christine was falling asleep, and Joce also had work the next morning.  But their reception was incredible - it was like a collective orgasm (only non-sexual... mostly).  They were playing loudly enough that we could hear them all the way to the car, which, because Lance didn't get back until 5:00, was parked in the furshest corner of the furthest parking lot.  Still, we got out of there without a hassle, and got home at a decent time.

They car ride home was spent exclusively quoting The Simpsons.  It was amazing.

But anyway, it was the atmosphere of the concert that was fun - batting around inflated condoms like beach balls during the performances.  The kids with the "Free Hugs" signs.  The text-to-screen jumbotrons (which were way, way more amusing than they had any right to be), the participatory atmosphere, the numerous references to things like DDR and Harry Potter, the glorious night air (as opposed to the afternoon air, which ######## sucked, it was so hot).

All in all?  Good times.  Thanks to Lance for inviting us; it's definitely something I'd like to do again - hopefully Lance can get the chance to enjoy himself as much as we did :(

Anyway.  Since Mel left this afternoon, I've spent most of the day on and off the computer or lack of anything better to do.  The house is clean, I'm still a bit lethargic from yesterday, and everyone else is basically lounging around doing nothing, so I'm just vegging out on one of the last weekends (sniff!) of the summer.

I'm off.  G'night everyone.

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So I talked to the guy for a little more than an hour, and... it... wasn't a disaster :)  I mean, I'm only really gauging it against the other first-time conversations I've had via IM, which were almost universally painfully awkward, and this one was not bad at all.  When I felt like we were running out of steam on one topic, I segued to another, I asked him questions, I complimented his photography... it was pretty good :)

Now, here's the one sort of dark spot - I can never quite tell how the other person felt about out conversation; like, do I consider this a success only because it wasn't a disaster, lol?  So I figure next time he's on, I'll wait and see if he IMs me... and if he does, then I can only assume that he liked me well enough t want to talk to me again... and then we can take it from there :)

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Joce and Lance are in my bedroom as I'm cleaning this morning; Joce is on my bed reading, and Lance is dawdling behind me.  I'm rummaging through drawers and come across a tampon.  I hold it up.

Me:  Hey, anyone want a tampon?  It's up for grabs.
Lance:  (snatching it away) Why yes, thank you, it's just what I wanted.

He promptly shoves the tampon up his nose,which is where it will now stay for roughly the next hour and a half.  This adds to an already fine ensemble that includes a little girl's pink wool snow hat (complete with earflaps and pom-poms), and a green t-shirt that says "GREEN" on it.

Me:  That's... an amazing look for you.
Lance:  Oh, oh, I can feel it working.  It's absorbing-- aw, I forget math, now.
Joce:  Yeah,you've got it pretty far up there.

Lance admires himself in the mirror.

Lance:  I'm overcome by the impulse to go out like this.  Maybe take a drive.
Me:  With your luck, you'll get pulled over. 
Lance:  "What seems to be the trouble officers?"
Joce:  Oh my God...
Lance: (deadpanning)  "It's because I'm Black, isn't it?" (N.B.  Lance is the whitest white boy who ever... whited).
Me:  You should do that.  I can see you doing that.
Lance:  Maybe just a trot down to the corner store.
Me:  Stop in and buy something totally random, like fifty Slim Jims.
Lance:  No, no... I'll buy like, one Slim Jim, and when they're like, "Would you like a bag for that, sir?"  I'll be like, "No thank you, I'll wear it home," and shove it up my other nostril.

About an hour later.

Lance:  Okay, Jess, seriously?  All joking aside, I've been totally stuffy and congested for like, three days, but when I took the tampon out, I swear to God, I can breath again!  It's amazing!

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So a guy I've been eyeing has expressed an interest in chatting and getting to know my better, and I'm already freaking out.

If he could spend one day with me and my friends, I think he would like me.  If he could see me comfortable and "in my element," I think he'd think I was pretty cool.

But that's likely not going to happen, so now I have to muster up the confidence to chat with him and eventually meet up with him one on one.

This is what I hate about SA.  I want to do this, and this should be so much easier to do.

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