I feel close to self destructing and I need to tell someone in the family for help and I just can't do it yet. I know this is a sa site but all my issues combined are makeing me come unglued.  I think the doc pushed a little too hard last monday, aaron severly hurt my feeling yesterday.  I feel worthless, dirty, angry at myself, like a failure.  I want to cut, I want to hurt.  I'm about ready to tremor out. aarons not home, i'm all alone and i probably shouldn't be. not suicidal or anything, just worried about hurting myself.  holidays are almost here and i don't think i can bear them, very large family. called my dad and left a message and haven't heard back from him, haven't spoken to him since last christmas.

then i get on the computer to make myself feel better and all that and all it does it make me feel worse.

I'm a total freeking mess, and i don't know what to do.  I hate being me. It sucks. life sucks. and my emotions are swinging so bad from one extreme to the other that i feel insane wich i probably am.

my mom was just here and i  didn't have the courage to tell her i'm in trouble again. if i did she would insist on me comming over and i just want to be in my own house and not out in the scary world.

my meditation is't working cuz i'm to high strung at the moment and I'm running out of coping skills here.  I haven't cut in over a year.

if i can just hold out till monday i see both my docs

think i'm going to call aaron and confess my sins and let him know i'm not doing so hot.

sorry i'm such a downer for anybody who happened to come across this.