I find myself contemplating god more and more lately and have taken to praying at bedtime.  Sound rather normal I suppose but its not for me.  Raye saw me with a bible when I was in the hospital and looked at me like I had last my mind, not because she is disapproving she is cathlic, but because its a little out of character for me.  My husband told me tonight that he has seen a great change in me since I have been in the hospital, I seem happier then I have in a long time and am doing great mentally compared to normal.  So I told him about the reading and praying I have been doing and all that.  He thinks its good for me.  I thought he might make fun of me but he didn't.  He was raised in strict christian shcools and believes and god, he calls himself a christian, when we got togather we kinda came to an understanding I wouldn't rag him about religion if he didn't bother me about my lack of.

I think I've just hit a point in life where I'm desperate, very desperate.  I'm tired of the fight for normalcy, I'm tired of the pain and hurt, I'm tired of everything.  Somehow when I was in the hospital I got the crap scared out of me with the whole COPD thing, I watched my grandfather die from that, and am watching my father die from it.  It just sort of put things in perspective for me I guess.

Over the years I've turned to God off and on when things have been really rough for me.  But for the most part I've spent about twelve years just being pissed off at the man upstairs.

Oh good grief, I'm crying.  Anyway, I think I'm ready to quit being mad and start trying to work on my spiritual side.  I say spiritual side because I don't practice any certain religion.  I read anything from whatever religion and take what I can from it.

Last night I found some really good christain and catholic prayers and then listened to some Budhism meditation.  It was really good by the way. 

I took a theology class when I was younger and learned a little about a lot of religions.  My personal beliefs are it doesn't matter what you call your hower power or how you choose to pray, most of them follow the same basic moral princaples, some are a little harsher then others on what happens if you don't follow the rules.  but when you break it down they just aren't that different.  So I plan on sticking to my non denominational polytheist.  But I think I am going to keep going with this and see where it takes me.