today i am feeling ok. not sad, not happy just so-so. i think that is good. yesterday i was feeling sorta ok too. i made myself go out to do some last minute christmas shopping. I went early so it was not too bad. but afterwards i felt horrible. My head starting hurting and i felt dizzy. i felt guilty going xmas shopping because i think i spent too much. i just want my kids to have a nice xmas. but like i said i feel a little better today. i tried not think about it.

thinking about going to my inlaws for xmas is making my chest hurt. i love them and like being around them but i am just super anxious about the whole situation. i am going to try to go but i am not sure. i do not want to disappoint  my  husband or anything.

wow i am really getting nervous, my hand is shaking while typing this. i am just not sure how to get family to understnad what i am going through.