this morning at work was awful and really good at the same time if that makes any sense. I started taking lexapro and it has dramatically improved my mood making me very happy and full of energy. But, yet im still feeling very anxious in social situations. So, my boss walks up to me this morning. ( the really high up boss haha) and asks me if i want to attend an insurance benefits meeting for my shift in a week. i was looking him right in the eye trying to appear as confident as possible but inside i was feeling tremendously anxious at the thought of even having to have a conversation with him. I feel like he knows that I get uncomfortable when I talk to him even though I always smile and act friendly. i think the most horrible part of the whole SA thing is that I'm really not a shy person at all. There's tons of things I wanna say, or voice my opinion on in conversations, but its like this monster is inside me just robbing me of all my confidence and leaving me with this very jittery anxious feeling where my throat closes up, gets all dry, eyes get dry and irritated, hearts beating, hands sweat, and i sometimes feel like just talking to someone im gonna cry as pathetic as it sounds. but, its not because im sad or anything, its just the overwhelming anxiety. Its really just a very frustrating this to have to go through all the time when I know that the real me or (my real personality) is confident, opinionated, talkative, outgoing. it just cant come out because of these weird anxiety symptoms that i seem to have no control of no matter how much i try to get a grip on myself. unless i had a few drinks haha. i'm not an alcoholic lol, although i worry sometimes that i could lead myself to that path even though I know its medically very bad for me. i've seen severe alcoholic patients and it does so much crap to your body. not good. so today i have my psychiatry appointment which im looking forward too cause ill be pleased to tell my doc how much the lexapro is improving my mood...its amazing for depression. but i gotta tell him that so far its doing zilch for my anxiety. so maybe he'll increase the dose to two times a day. cause this med. is supposed to be amazing for anxiety as well. currently 46,000 americans are taking this one drug alone. thats how popular it is. i really really hope this will be the one with the magic cure haha. but ive had a lot of dissapointments over the years so sometimes i wonder if ill ever feel the true relief that i really want and deserve like the rest of you. ill let everyone know how my psych appointment goes today. wish me luck! oh, and i just wanna say thank you to you all out there that write these blogs cause its so comforting and inspires me even more to want to overcome this horrible thing. i hope we all can so someday we can show everyone the confident people we really are inside!