It had been several weeks since I had last spoken with E. Things began awkwardly. I didn't know where to begin, or how to express myself. I froze up, I wasn't able to communicate with her. I certainly tried. But I didn't succeed, and I didn't manage to change her notions of me.

I tried to tell her that "insecurity", "unconfidence" and "anxiety" were just words, that they really didn't reflect my experience. I tried to explain that I knew what they were, what they meant, and that it was something utterly different from the feelings I struggle with nowadays.

The key feeling is a complete lack of security, in the broadest sense. Everyone and everything can be misconstrued as a threat. I look at the world through a lens which transforms oridnary, mundane things into hazards. It isn't rational, and upon closer inspection one sees that a threat doesn't really exist. However, it is possible to trace the emotional, physical response to an underlying grouping of thoughts and beliefs.

This part was annoying. She asked me about medication: was I still taking any? Had it had an effect? No and No. The constant worry sounded, to her, like something resulting from a chemical inbalance. I disagreed completely. She was quite surprised that medication had done little for me. I told her that it couldn't change the way I thought, and that my thinking was the problem.

She still didn't seem to get it, which was frustrating. We didn't get anywhere. It probably wasn't worth getting up at 7:30am to make it to the session. I'm desperate for an explanation once again. I've got to know why I respond the way I do. Goddamnit, I'm tired of being a freak. I just wish somebody would understand.