Well, I can say if anything has brightened me up lately it was my birthday. It felt so good to turn a year older. It was a nice party, and I didn't feel uncomfortable despite the fact that there were 14 guests. Now I have to say something here; I'm very uncomfortanble with touching people, but I had some contact that day. I actually hugged my step-mom that day, which is something I rarely do for anyone. Rarely. I also had a first, when I had a kid sit in my lap. I have to tell you, that was a wierd feeling being sat on by someone. It wasn't a feeling of exitement or discomfort, but rather neutrality with stray feelings attatched that I cannot identify. Nonetheless, this only shows me that there is a lot I'm missing in life. I'm missing emotions that I should have regularly. Sigh. Anyways, if you were interested, I got around 100$ in cash and checks that day, along with a silver dollar(mint condition) and a genuine leather wallet! (Sorry if you don't like leather, I'm not a fan of it myself.). So, I shined brightly since my birthday, but it only lasted for so long, of course. I'm still a star with it's nuclear heart slowly but surely burning out, only to implode with time, in just a few years if nothing changes. Just two days after my birthday, on the tenth, I broke down crying, something I haven't done in weeks. It's because I'm so very lonely. yes, sorry I'm so demanding as a person like that to demand company. But still, It's not my choice to feel this way. I was wired to feel like this at this day and time. It's pretty hard to explain to someone how you can live with people at your house and still be lonely. yeah, but perhaps I can explain it's because noone loves me? My mom does, but that type of love has been losing it's effect on me over the years. Its kind of like keeping tadpoles and having them eat algae. No problem; they'll live. But when they start growing legs and start losing thier tail, they stop eating algae. Don't give them thier new food, and they'll quickly starve. A sad story. I see the same thing happen to me. I revert to the same remedies to solve the same problems all the time, but they're all losing thier effect on me. Pretty soon if I don't find a new solution to my problems I'll die just like the tadpoles. A horrible thought, but it COULD happen. Well, on the good side of things, I can say I successfully talked to a guy on dell support yesterday to order a graphics card I've needed so bad for my computer. It's a GeForce 8600. It's not exactly the one I wanted. I actually wanted an ATI Radeon 9600, but apparently it wasn't suitable for my computer so I went for this high end card instead. I'm glad I did something new. It bothers me when I go for days on end without accomplishing anything. However, with the positives comes a landslide of negatives. I am constantly declining to go places even though it's in my best interest to go. I've declined going with my sister to her library for 3 hours. I declined going to Save-A-Lot with my step-dad today. I also decline every offer by my mom to go places. My anxiety is just so bad. I don't really have much more to talk about, but if I get to it, I might post more writings as I complete them. I'm not sure. I still have to think it over.