Let me admit it. I have NO life. All I do Is sleep, eat once a day, take pills and pray that This person I know, Jaclyn allocates time to come online to talk to me, which is infrequently possible due to astronomical problems she has mounted against herself. Do I ever remember a time when I used to be happy? Yes, when I had no feelings. Of course, that’s not me anymore. These days I have feelings- Mountains of them that have nowhere to go but back in my face, screaming to be let out. But no, they can’t go anyway where because everyone hates me. I’m forced to cage them with iron clad chains on the doors. I never really use my feelings anymore unless I talk to Jaclyn. Sigh. My feelings have been going through a huge roller coaster. Kinda like the one in Busch Gardens, Montu, which shouldn’t be something to be happy about either. Ugh, my sister crystal is up now. I have no desire to see her. I have no feelings towards her. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because of the fact that we only get along so well. The fact is that we have poor common beliefs. She is obsessed with animals and will never have a bf, let alone get married. She is antisocial and I find it amazing that she has friends.. I shouldn’t be life this, let alone have glum feelings about her future, but I have no feelings towards her. Almost as if she’s a stranger. Sigh, that just isn’t right. I don’t think I’d even cry if she died. That is worrisome. That is definitely wrong, but I probably feel like this because I’m already struggling to find myself a life. My life is shit. I’m such a mess, and I don’t really care about myself anymore, I care about others instead. Not many I care about, and almost every single one I care about is a relative except for maybe one or two. Yeah, that’s right, I don’t really care about myself anymore. I put everyone else ahead of me. That’s how little value I feel about myself. I’m really desperate to make myself better, but I’m too smart to do anything stupid to make myself better. I’m too scared to do things to make myself better. I’m afraid of what normal feels like. It’s not like I’ll ever have the chance to do anything to make myself normal anyways. Feeling love towards a non relative would be a start to being normal, god knows what the he-- I’d need else to feel better if that doesn’t make me normal. Cyndi Isn’t satisfied by anything. Always unhappy. She also gets bad luck. She has very little belongings as of now, and she is a sailor living with a friend in an apartment. Too bad she’s in Virginia. I miss her quite a lot. I care about her so much. I can’t wait until she comes back down to see me. Maybe she can stay down for a week or two, but probably won’t stay down longer than the weekend. I’d love to see her pet Oscar. I saw a short video of him on her phone. He’s a cute little thing, despite the fact that he’ll turn into a 12 inch fish in another one or two years. I also heard her friend has a pet Iguana. Lol, I love lizards, and I bet Jaclyn would go nuts to pet it =P. Anyways, she is quite the role model for me. I find it quite amazing how she can run for more than an hour straight without tiring. I remember a time when I talked to her, and she only stopped running because she didn’t want to make herself sick! Wow, look at what you can do with persistence and patience. Quite impressive. Of course, I’m too weak to try working on something like that. I have to spend my life waiting for my friend to come on every day or so online so I can talk to someone. Heh, it still leaves me feeling by myself. Sure, I love talking to this person online, but as long as things are the way they are right now, I need to find someone in person to interact with. I have lost all social skills I barely had. I’m so fu----- shy now. Being shy isn’t the problem, but it’s excess and becoming very harmful to me. I hate being reclusive, and I have no desire to go anywhere. My god. Help me. Someone, I need a slap in the face so that I can live a normal life. This is not the way to go. No way. Ugh, I wonder how many more years of my life I’ll spend wasting away. I’m rotting like a corpse. My life is decaying into dirt. It’s rock bottom. All I need is someone that understands. Is that a lot to ask for? IS IT? Yea, I guess it is. I got no answer, he--, I didn’t expect one. If I said that in someone’s face I’d get nothing. I always wished I could look at someone and say something like “hey, what’s up”, but even simple things like that are impossible for me. No pills can change that, they only stop me from wanting to kill myself or having a gay panic attack. Bleh bleh bleh. You know what? For years I wished I was a dragon. A dragon that could eat all of the rotten souls in this world. The ones that don’t deserve to live. I always feel the next day that comes around will be the day I become a dragon, and kill all the bas----- out there. They make life harder for the rest of us, whether or not we have a life. Grr, I wish I was a dragon now. I would spare you of course. You are not edible. I’d also have to spare my relatives, even though I have some malicious ones. That’s the kind of faith I share now. I share no common faith with anyone now. I’m totally agnostic. God never existed, and Jesus was just a dog. Talk to me about religion and I’ll just look at you with a blank look, and I’ll have to apologize saying that I cannot listen to what to you have to say.
So what’s the bottom line of saying all this worthless stuff? You know what, I really don’t know. All I need to say is that it means I have nothing good in my life basically. No, that’s only mostly correct. A small select few are a good thing in my life. But the thing is that negativity strongly outweighs all of the good things.
I do have a little more to say, however. If you think I’m worth enough, and you have the time, you should try to come on as often as possible to see me. You’re really the only thing in my life right now, and will probably stay the only thing for years and years to come. I’m sure that’s not too much to ask for, but if it is, I’m terribly sorry to be of a problem. I’m so sick of living, and I’m so depressed when I’m not talking to anyone. I’m probably also losing weight from eating only once a day. I have no interest in eating, even when hunger pains arise. Delete this if you want, it’s not worth saving. He--, I’d be surprised if you even read this far. But I have to add that I can’t help but think about you most all the time. I have nothing else to do, even though it hurts to think about you a lot. It hurts for me to care about myself, because I barely care about myself. But yeah, I want to say it, but I don’t want to look like a creep, but - ----- ---- ---despite that 9 month gap since the last time I talked to you. I want to, but I know there’s no point to it. There really isn’t but I want to because I crave this feeling so much. Sorry if that sounds disgusting at all, but I really don’t care now. I just want to feel better. Maybe you’ll understand that, maybe you won’t. I want to get these thoughts out of my head. I want to feel better. I want everything. Yeah, I know you have a life, maybe mine just isn’t important. I really don’t know. I don’t want to cause ruin to yours, so if I’m saying anything objective, go ahead and slap me in the face. Pbth, I’m talking just like my dad. I’m talking about everything horrible trying to make someone feel bad for me. Why do I want to make someone feel bad for me? That’s exactly the last thing I really want to do. I don’t need to be causing problems to someone else and making them feel bad. No, I should flog myself for that. Really, I’d do it if it wasn’t a damned problem with anyone. I shouldn’t be acting like my dad. I’m so fu------ depressing. It’s sad. Why, I should be trying to get people to laugh, not trying to make them sad, or even cry. He-- no, that’s against my morale. Well, I can’t write forever and I think I really should stop. I’ve been writing everything in order as it comes out of my head. I guess by now you can see how disorganized my thoughts are.
I hope you’ll still talk to me… if not I’d just be a zombie living for nothing as usual every day. Heh, by the way, I do hope you’ve had a better day than me. I shouldn’t be writing things like this. I only do it so that someone knows what’s going on inside of me. I just can’t stop talking. I want to get my feelings across…
They say the Mayans predicted the whole for humanity ends at 2012, Dec 21st . I would believe it, except I thought the day the Sun stops shining is on 2014, Dec 2nd. The Mayans are wrong. I’m right. The time for all these bi----- is going to end. The Mayans, Aztecs, whoever they are, are two years off. Just like Nostradamus predicted 9/11. I hope to get a life before life’s cut short.
Am I crazy? Perhaps I am, maybe there’s no end, perhaps this is all just to scare us. Heh, it doesn’t scare me. I’m not afraid of the end. I don’t want it unless it knocks on my door. Anyways, I really need to stop talking, this is getting hard to read. It’s best I stop. So I am. Sorry for giving you the unfortunate opportunity to read this.
I’m going to end this by spitting out my thought of the day:
“At Nightfall I’m asleep. At Nightfall I dream to keep. At sunrise I always weep.”
