I wrote this in my journal last night:
30 August 2008 Samstag
One year and ninety-eight pages later… I have learned and become so much more than I was before.
One year ago, I was on an euphoric high, grateful to the friends who had rescued me when I needed it most. This year, I am pensive, reflective, sadder, older, wiser. But nothing has become easier.
I have put down roots in Cincinnati, only to have to leave it again. I have made friends in Wolfenbüttel, only to have us leave each other in the end. One year later, I have tried to pay the love I have felt forward. I hope I have succeeded in some small way. People have been there for me when I needed them to be. I am so grateful. Love is what’s important. People are what’s important. Our common humanity unites us more than our petty differences divide us.
Maybe I have not kept in touch with the people who saved me last year in Marburg. Maybe I have become closer to some of the ones in Cincinnati. Maybe I have met new people in Cincinnati who have become wonderful friends. Maybe I have found wonderful friends in Wolfenbüttel. Yes. This is all true.
Again, I was cynical and bitter. I have many friends who care about me in many places. But my life is a solitary one. There is too much distance. And I was hung up on the idea that I could never be good enough for anyone. If Jason could leave me for someone with so many problems, then I must be much worse, right? Plus, I could see how some people were interested in only superficial, physical aspects. And I am lacking. In my opinion, at least.
Then, I met someone who helped show me another perspective. We meet people, who pass out of our lives, and we have only our memories of our brief friendship and the life lessons they have taught us.
When I first saw him in the Lesesaal, he took my breath away. I emailed my mom and told her that I had just seen the most attractive guy I had ever seen in my life. I could only watch him, awestruck. He was watching me too. He admitted it later. I noticed. I emailed my mom and told her that I kept looking up and he’d be staring at me. I wanted to get to know him. Once, we were leaving at the same time – in the Zeughaus, by the lockers. He said, “Tschüß.” I managed to whisper it back. I was transfixed by his eyes. I couldn’t speak.
And then he came to Stammtisch and I got to sit next to him and speak with him. And I found out he’s getting married on September 13th. And they’ve been together for twelve years. And he has a son. And my heart sank. And I resolved that I wasn’t going to think about it anymore. So we became friends.
Then, there was another Stammtisch and we were the last to leave. He was easy to talk to. And we went to dinner the next day. And there was Judit’s Abschiedsparty the day after that, and we watched an eclipse and spoke with Agnes. Agnes is the Anna to his Gökmen. The comparison is a fair one. The situation is so similar to a year ago. Gökmen also got married in September. All of the good men are taken. He and Agnes and I went to the Indian restaurant the day after that. I saw a lot of him. I cherished every minute.
We went to Stammtisch on Wednesday the next week instead of Thursday. We also went to dinner again some day before that, Tuesday maybe. Wednesday was St. Stephen’s Day, so a big day for Agnes. We stayed out until 4:00 a.m. I couldn’t walk home. He helped me back to Feierabendhaus. A nice guy. I didn’t see him the next day. I think we all suffered from being out so late. We had coffee in the cafeteria and then went to dinner on Friday.
Last Sunday, he and I hiked up a mountain, the highest point in Germany that isn’t in the Alps. He and I spent the day together. He’s easy to talk to.
On Monday, we made arrangements to go shopping on Tuesday. The library was closed and so I had my birthday party that day instead of Thursday (my actual birthday.) He drove us to the supermarket. We settled into a routine. It felt so familiar and comfortable to just push a shopping cart around a store with him. We are both used to grocery shopping with other people. It’s sad, but I miss that kind of domesticity. Then we came back to my room and he watched me make hummus. Then I had a party.
It was a good party, a fun party. We went through a bottle of Jack. He bought me a cake, with candles. It tasted like Starbucks iced lemon loaf. He and I had settled into a dynamic. We had moved into the friend zone, but it was a close friendship, a comfortable one.
And Wednesday, we were back in the Lesesaal. He came to lunch. He walked back to Feierabendhaus with us after the Zeughaus closed to get his car. He had had to walk home Tuesday night.
Thursday was my birthday and Nick’s last day. Stefan and I went to dinner and then to Stammtisch. Without Nick there, it ended early. Stefan and I came back to Feierabendhaus and drank a bottle of wine on the veranda until 4:00 a.m. Again, he’s so easy to talk to.
And he left yesterday. I will miss him. We spent time in the cafeteria trying to load the Grimm’s dictionary onto my computer. We kept getting an error message. Then he brought me his printer, because he couldn’t take it with him, and we bought cakes for coffee, since it was his last day. Then he left around 5:00 p.m. He also gives good hugs.
I will miss him. I have never met anyone like him. Andrew said Stefan and I had a bond that is rare and hard to find. I thought I was fine until he said that. No one (Andrew, Eva, Todd) believed that nothing happened between us. Nothing happened between us. I love him deeply though. Very deeply. I wish him only the best.
He has shown me so much. He has shown me that there can be a man who takes my breath away. He has shown me that there are deeper and more complex layers of feelings for people than I had previously imagined. He has given me a close friendship, a bond, as Andrew said, when I needed one – to rid me of my newly reemerging cynicism.
But mostly, he showed me how hard it must have been for Jason and I have learned a lesson in forgiveness and have lost some of the anger I was harboring against Jason. But Stefan also showed me that I am a better person than Jason, a stronger one, a moral one, because no matter what I struggled with inside, I did not pursue him like Amanda did Jason. I did not try to destroy a family and a little baby’s life, like Jason did.
But other people saw that we had a bond of some sort, and I felt one. Andrew said it was obvious that Stefan felt one too. That is good to know. I will miss him.
And I will see him again on Thursday in Berlin and possibly in December when I leave. But otherwise it’s the same. I’ll never see him again. I’ll never speak to him again. We live too far apart. I find these friendships with wonderful men – always men, I don’t know why – with Gökmen, with Martins, with Stefan, with Brian from high school, and our contact is now nil or few and far between. And when it is, it’s only because of Facebook and Stefan doesn’t have one, so we will lose touch, even though we had a brief bond here in Wolfenbüttel. And I love him with my whole soul, if I have one.
One year ago, I said that I didn’t know why people came into your life right when you needed them most, but that I would not question it; I would accept it. Well, $&#^% that. Now I question it. Why is it always so brief?
But I believe now that I am ready for more.
Have a nice day,
Kelly :)
