I let my social anxiety get in the way again last night. There's been this guy I've been interested in, but he seemed interested in another girl so I stood alone for a while at the end of what had started out being a great day. I put myself in exhile and the only ones to approach me were a creepy guy, and a guy who seemed nice but I knew was just like the other ones. The other ones being those that I decided I'd try to like because they were the only ones I knew of who were interested in me. In the end though, I was scared and I'd close myself off from the world until I was completely silent and felt dead. I had my first kiss with a guy I didn't like because of that. 

So, I saw the guy that I was interested in sitting there with another girl. She was pretty, and vibrant. I got this tight feeling in my chest, but I didn't leave like I should have. I just stood there, thinking that maybe it would just be a short conversation and he might really be interested in me. I might have a chance with him... they kept talking and I kept feeling stupid. That nice guy came up... and I wound up giving him my phone number. I felt dead. I couldn't stand it anymore, and the other guy I liked seemed to have walked off with the other girl. I took off and I didn't even go back to my apartment. I hurried across my university campus to the first part of the campus I'd ever seen and fallen in love with. There's was a fountain, grass and beautiful old buildings. I sat there and tried not to cry, then walked back to my apartment when I realized it was probably a bad idea to be out alone at 11pm. I got back, then my roommate got back. She went to sleep, and I ended up crying. I really hope she didn't hear anything. I don't know her well enough to cry in front of her. There's my pathetic tale of my night. I just want to be in love. I've never been in love and I've never met someone that made me feel safe instead of trapped and dead.