I used to have so many people to talk to online. Now there's nobody left. My buddy list has been empty for months now. Its actually funny. Most of the time I feel numb about the entire thing. I'm all alone but I just don't feel anything. But then other times (like now), it hits me like a ton of bricks and I become incredibly depressed. I try to distract myself to avoid the pain, but I can't do it forever.

I haven't any "real life" friends in well over 6 years now, and have had to rely on people online for what little social activity I have, but now thats all gone to nothing too. I don't even know how I'd find more people to talk to now anyways. Sure, I visit some chat rooms, but I don't have any one on one conversations with anyone anymore.

On tuesday I saw my therapist for the first time in 10 weeks. He wants to know if I want to continue seeing him. I don't really see the point anymore. I haven't gotten anything out of the meetings, just like all the other therapists I've seen.

I feel like I'm becoming a machine. I wake up in the morning, go to work, come back, exercise, then watch tv or surf on the web until I have to go to sleep and repeat the entire thing over and over and over again. All without having any meaningful interactions with other people. To add salt into the wound, I get to see now tons of college students with their friends or girlfriends walk by my window constantlyl. (They're moving back into the dorms surrounding my apartment this week). Sure, I'm making money, but for what purpose? I'm not going to spend it on anything that really makes me happy.

I guess I really don't have any point with all of this... I guess I'll go back to lurking in the shadows.