I was born July 22nd 1990, in California to a family that would soon disperse over the atlantic ocean to live in the most perfect place on earth. My real name is Sirpana Michelle Mtchedlishvili Pekkarinen, though I much prefer to be called Sirra, its not such a mouthful.
My parents met in California where they were studying and fell in love, as clichéd as that sounds. My mother is from Finland and happens to be the most patient woman in the world, I have 6 brothers - need I say more? My dad is a fiery tempered Georgian who was adopted by an American couple when he was younger. As for my siblings, there are 8 altogether. Six brothers as mentioned previously and 2 sisters. A big family, no?
Since my birth I have been bouncing between continents, and this routine has been engraved into me so well that these days I just can not be satisfied without coming and going every year or so…
People often think my routine is based off pure emotion, which is basically true, yet there is some logic to my choices. I can admit I have lived far too often off pure feeling rather than fact, and personally I think there is not other way to actually live.
I’m pretty complex, to the point that I myself can not fully understand exactly what I’m thinking or feeling, or planning, or anything for that matter. Lots of people have expressed their inability to understand me, mainly because I don’t go around telling any other person my life story and I find it so hard to tell anyone what I feel. I’m also run down by fear, fear of being letdown, putdown, or shotdown.
Another thing people have told me, is that I’m different, different than lots of girls, on levels which do not involve appearance, but rather perception and personality, which I do have, and I’m so thankful I have attained this much throughout my short life.
My trust is hard to gain, generally it takes people a long time to fully gain it, and honestly at this point, there is probably only two people I could trust with anything and all things…
Sometimes I think I’m pretty heartless. I’ve been known to drag guy’s through mud and break their hearts like no body’s business. Its genuinely not on purpose, I’m just not as emotional as they like me to be and when the time comes, I have to say goodbye, which hurts for me too.
I love interesting things, colourful personalities, intellectuals, artistic minds, natural beauty and artistic beauty, the nature, the seaside, the sunset and sunrise, trees and water, fire and earth, everything interests me, and I look at everything in a way that a lot of people just don’t see, I comprehend things in strange mannerisms and most people just don’t see what I do.
By no means do I profess being better than someone, in many ways I could be so much better, by kicking my bad habits, my abuses, my addictions and my lack of motivation, I wish I could be what I was a couple of years ago, a shining light everyone thought was going somewhere, now I’m just fading away and people are turning their expectations for me off, as I can’t promise anything but to screw up on occasion and be human and constantly lost.
Love to me is everything we live for, I do not question it nor try to explain it. I just accept it and I think it is the most beautiful rarity this world has to offer. Most people never really feel its touch. Its what we sing for, what we cry for, what we laugh for, what we smile for, what we die for, and what we live for, its everything. Without love, I think the world would not even exist.
Religion is semi-important to me. Sometimes I think organized religion is far too judgemental and I can’t even be bothered to make myself feel like poo because I’m human and I’m prone to make bad choices, whatever defines bad choices I don’t know.
I love to write, I love to read, but I don’t do enough of that these days. I love art but I never try to make something actually good. I’m very impatient, so whatever I make has to be done within the next thirty minutes. I can’t be patient for anything. If I can’t have it quick enough, I’ll abandon it altogether, which is another pitfall of mine.
Friends are great, I have a lot of people that I know, but I’m not sure is really a lot of people that actually care, probably because I never give people the time or the chance to actually befriend me.
I’m shy, at first, I warm up to people though, and when I think they are a person I’d really like to know, I’ll open up, if not, I won’t make any sort of effort.
My future is completely unknown… all I’m hoping for is something literary, to move somewhere far away, fall in love, live on the seaside, listen to good music, eat nice food, have a place to sleep and to never be a part of any sort of monotonous routine or live in a suburb like I do now.

Perhaps I am naïve, and most times I am, nevertheless I can still hope that someone someday will understand me and give me a place to call home, that’s all I really want, really that’s all.

If you read this, commend yourself.

1 comments View Entry

say goodbye to love and hold your head high
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting, waiting to die

hope in a better place is all i have and need
with moments of innocence and mystery
its the little things you miss most, like waking up alone to a blue sky
its the little things you miss most, when you're underneath it all.

all your friends seem like enemies when you're broken down and empty
say goodbye to love and hold your head high
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting, waiting to die.

0 comments View Entry

falling in love is the difficult realisation that someone other than yourself exists.
love is a gift.
the gift of oneself to another.
when you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade.
each wins all.

to be brave is to love someone uncondtionally, without expecting anything in return.
to just give, now that takes courage.
love is an act of endless forgiveness.

is love supposed to last throughout time?
or is it like trains, changing at random stops?
love is a feeling, not a decision we make.
think too much about it and it loses its magic.

whatever. i don't know much about love.

1 comments View Entry

what becomes of us when all is said and done, when the cards are dealt?

and what becomes of us when the lights begin to fade on this, our life?
the forgotten promises, the half-hearted agreements, the cold cups of coffee never drunk.
what becomes of those?

and what becomes of us when the things we had are gone?
the lost friends, the missed acquaintances, the old pictures on the wall.
what becomes of those?

and what becomes of us when we feel we can't make it on our own?
the struggle of life, the harsh truth, the pain we feel.
what becomes of those?

and what becomes of us when our time to move on is near?
the long goodbyes, the reminiscent times, the pieces of heart we willingly give away.
what becomes of those?

and what becomes of us when we realise we must go it alone?
the friends, the lovers, the family that become our backbone.
what becomes of those?

the missed chances, the golden opportunities, the loveless relationships, the unrequited love, the tedious arguments, the wins and losses.

can somebody help me,
because i do not know what will become of me.

2 comments View Entry

when all your friends have come and gone and the sun no longer shines,
and the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean's tide,
when all the hard times outweigh the good and all your words are misunderstood,
when the day seems lost from the start,
you must follow your heart,

if you feel that you've paid the price and your wounds should cease to heal,
and everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel,
if you should wake to find you're abandoned and the road you travel leads to a dead end,
when death creeps in to play its part,
you must follow your heart.

3 comments View Entry

Have you ever noticed how fleetingly we move from one thing to another?

We don't take the time to stop and appreciate what we have around us. We are constantly searching for the next best thing and never take the time to stop and realise that what we have is just as good as what is to come.

I feel like i've paid the price for the mistakes i've made and that my wounds should cease to heal now. I only have the minor regrets these days and i'm taking life for how it comes.

Everyone is always rushing. Rush, rush, rush. From one place to the other, no time to stop and think, just constant rushing. Where is the beauty and fun in a life like that? The lights aren't faded and this life? Well it isn't overrated.

So why the hell don't we take it for what it is and just live it the best we can?

But if we did... What would we complain about then?

3 comments View Entry

All i hear these days from people are empty words.

Sentences lacking emotions and feeling.

These people, they have nothing to offer me.

My faults and flaws are not in the passions i have,

But my lack of control over them.

0 comments View Entry

In the short years i have lived so far, i have found life to be a series of random interactions and conversations. People define you on these.

I worry a lot that the impression i give people is of someone disinterested and drab. I am not those things, but proving this to people would require effort. Something i seem to lack.

My life is stuck. I feel terrible because i have no future prospects, yet i do nothing but complain. Life is what you make it, i know. I know exactly what i want to make it, but no real way of doing so is clear to me.

Life is.... Aaah, i don't know. Something or other.

1 comments View Entry