I'm struggling today. It's the worst my social anxiety has been in years. I have a wedding to go to soon and I'm dreading it. I'm going alone, don't know many people and just hate all the formality of it all. I'm not exactly hot on the idea of weddings either! So that brings about a different type of anxiety.
A few years ago someone threatened me at a wedding. I couldn't respond in kind as it was a family function. I had to remain cool, calm and collected. But it stays with me. I don't let people threaten me and get away with it. But I had to on that occasion. I've never seen the person since but when I do, he's getting a hiding.
I grew up in a underage offenders prison until I was 6. I experienced lots of fighting at an early age. I found way more violence at school and outside school than at the prison. I moved a lot and never fit in with different accents. People stamped on me, spat on me, stuck gum in my hair so I couldn't get it out without cutting hair out. Now I'd beat the feck out of those people but back then I was just a skinny kid. But no matter how many fights you win, those early beatings stay with you. And how I was treated so badly. I didn't even know how to fight back.
So now I'm worrying about this wedding. I've gone from generally anxious feelings to -
What if somebody threatens me or insults me?
What if I'm put in the spotlight in a way that I find embarrassing and people ridicule?
What if I get so pissed off that I have to walk out?
What if people act coldly towards me?
Yes these are "what ifs" and I know I can reverse all of this and say what if this doesn't happen, what if I meet nice people etc. But experience in my past tells me otherwise. I feel sick with anxiety. I can't breathe easily. I feel like I'm 10 years old again getting my head stamped on. I feel like a child. I don't think anyone understands what this feels like. Certainly not people around me. My anxious thoughts have snowballed into feels of worthlessness from my childhood. Until I was 26 I believed that dirt was more valuable than me. I've been shot at, cut and battered and bruised in a variety of creative ways. On average I was hurt or seriously threatened every two to three days for a period of 15 years. I've been beaten by gangs, chased through the streets. I basically believed I was an animal until I was 26. When I was a kid, I stole, went to nightclubs and loft parties by the time I was 12. Yes 12. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder too. All I can think about is suicide. I know it's wrong but it's like a nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me I should really consider it.
I am seeing the doctors tomorrow and will explain briefly what I can. I feel like I'm going to die and I'm close to death. I hardly ever go to the docs. Maybe once every 5 years or longer. When I've talked about anxiety in the past, the doc has kinda raised his eyes and sighed. I have a different doc tomorrow.
They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Life gave me an empty glass and some dirt and I've been standing here pretending it's lemonade for 20 years. Do I feel foolish? Just a little bit.
