It's been a long summer and it's not even over.

It's been hot, sticky, and full of children. Yes, children.

I had my sister's kids from Oklahoma all summer and now I remember why I was happy they left. Not that I don't love them or miss them, but they can be a handful when they want to be. My nephew only wants to watch television, which I contribute to his mother and father's t.v.=life type of lifestyle. My niece is a fast little thing for 5 years old. I don't even think I knew what a boyfriend was at 5, but she has one and wants Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance to marry her. Yeah, thirty year old with a 5 year old. Can you say prison? I know it would never get to that, but it is ridiculous to think about. My other nephew was only 8 months, so he didn't do very much but crawl, get into everything, cry, and pee his diaper. All in all, it was fun, but I won't do it again too soon.

I just took them back to Arizona this pass weekend, so they are home and I got to see a new place. I'd never been to Arizona and dang is it hot. I had to use the air conditioner even more than I do in Calfornia, and that's saying something.

I'm getting prepared for school to start again. Ugh! I so don't want to go.

I went to my therapy today and she told me I need friends and maybe a boyfriend. I really wish she'd give up on the boyfriend thing. I don't I'll ever get/find one. Mainly, because I don't even go out very much. Even was stupid enough to go on the dating thing here and contacted someone. That went really well, not. Don't think I'll be doing that any time too soon. Maybe I was a little foreward, saying he was cute, but what was I supposed to say? You're ugly and I thought I'd come say hello? And it's not like I know him, so there wasn't much room to say much.

Only good thing about this year is ... turning 21. I can't wait. It feels like I've been 20 forever. Why does the year between teen and adult seem so damn long?

Oh, well. I'm off to watch some movies.

Tags: Summer

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I'm lonely tonight. Why? Because I turned down a wonderful invite to a party.

I just can't go to parties, especially when there are so many people I am not familiar with and .... boys.

It's like going to your first boy/girl party and you are nervous as hell. Well, that's sort of how I felt. I've really never been to a party, well, once I went to a little get-together with a 'friend'. We just ate and drank soda, watched her open presents, got a prize bag and went home. Not really a party, plus no boys as her mother did not allow them around her two daughters.

Kelli, who is probably my only friend in the world was invited to a party and the person who invited her said to bring friends. Kelli made a huge mistake by telling me thirty people were already supposed to be going to the party. I can't even function right around 2 people, let alone 30. Kelli got sort of angry because she says I NEVER go anywhere with her. Not true, as we've been places. Just this Saturday I went out to eat with her, something I DO NOT do. She can never be happy, but I guess she just wants me to be social.

Plus, this guy I like was going to be there and I would have just melted into the floor and not said a word. He's talked to me before and I always clam up. Saturday he got a haircut and asked me what I thought. I thought it was nice, but all I said was, "Uh, it's nice," in the smallest voice I could, even though it sounded like I was screaming it at him. I think he thinks I'm ultimately strange because I don't like to be around people and I'm always nervous around him. Well, it probably will never change, so tough. It'll just be another missed love opportunity....

It's just before 12:30 midnight and the party is most likely still going on at it didn't start until nine. I'm angry at myself for not going, but I don't think I would have been able to do it. I would have probably had a panic attack or something.

Maybe next time

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Today was my last art class and even though I was sooooooo happy, it made me sad, too. The few people in the class I talked to, I won't see anymore. One is moving to San Fransisco soon, the other is taking more art (I'm taking English, so we will hardly see each other if ever), and the last one is finish with college and will be graduating this year.

I was so angry that I didn't have the ... courage to ask for phone numbers so we could keep in touch, but I just felt I shouldn't ask because I'd get a strange look or something. Oh, well, it's too late to change it now. Can't turn back time, unfortunately. Well, at least I got a good grade and can go on with my college journey.

Now, I have the summer to look forward to and I get to see my niece and nephews this summer. Yay! 

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I guess I'll give a little background on myself. I have another back story at another site, but this will be way more detailed.

I'm 20, my birthday was this past December. I'm finally not a teen. Yay!

I've had problems with SA since I was really young. I think it was around Kindergarten and first grade when I really started feeling so anxious I couldn't be social. I've always been pretty smart (at least that's what people tell me) and mature, so ever since fourth grade I worked in the office of my school. I liked it better than going to class, as I could just sit in the back room and answer phones, take messages, and sort files all day long. I really hardly ever was in class. I aced all my tests, so they saw no reason for me to really have to go to class everyday. Lucky. I would also bring the few friends along that I had and would help them with the class material so we could continue to work in the office.

I was an honor student most of my academic career, but as the grades started getting higher and social ability was more important, I dropped from it and became more of an average student. Halfway through High School, I decided I just couldn't keep going. All the people and having to be social and doing gym (gym was okay, I just wasn't into changing in front of people and all that) was just too much. I dropped out and did home schooling for a bit, but even that got too overwhelming and I took my GED to just get it over with.

I got my first job when I was 17. I worked at Fashion Bug and it was okay the first few days, but then the manager told me it was a requirement to stop what I was doing to go greet customers and see how people were doing. Well, I just couldn't do it. I did it one day and quit. I felt too ashamed to even go to the store at first, but it was just something I couldn't help. At that job was the first time I had a panic attack. That was what really made me ashamed.

Later on, I found out what was really wrong with me. My mom took me to a therapist friend of hers and we described what was going on. She had me go in for a 'test' and it was concluded that I had SA, depression, and PAD. I'd never heard of that stuff before, so it was a huge deal. It felt like the doctor had told me I had some exotic disease, but I got over it.

I tried hold two more jobs, one before having meds and one after. I couldn't keep either one and my therapist said I really needed to work on being social and being able to deal with it before getting a job. I agreed reluctantly. 

I got a new therapist after that one wasn't working out. I didn't feel he was very professional and he was a guy. I am so nervous around guys that it's not even funny and don't let it be a guy I think is attractive, I'll literally get stuck to the stop and not be able to talk no matter how hard I try. That is a reason I've never had a boyfriend. I couldn't flirt or anything to save my life. I keep thinking only a guy who is familiar with my problem will ever be able to see past the ultra shyness.

After years of meds and therapy, I'm not outgoing too much, but I have been able to do something I've wanted to do forever .... go to college. Right now, I just go to junior college, but my dream is to head to Berkley soon. I've wanted to go there since I was about seven years old and I would die of happiness if I ever got in and could go.

I'm majoring in English and hope to get my AA degree in the next two years. Then, maybe a small job to help pay for Berkley or somewhere equally good, if I can't go there.

I lack a lot of confidence, which people take advantage of, especially guys as they seem to think they can say anything to me and I won't care because I don't care about myself, but that's not true.

I'm completely into rock music, though I like all types. My grandmother got me into it, as she was a big fan of Alice in Chains and Iron Maiden. How many people say that about their grandmother? LOL!

She got ill about the time I was 16 or 17 with Alzheimer's and then had a stroke just a few months ago. My family and I take care of her completely because we really wouldn't feel right putting her into a home, as we hear they are pretty bad, even though they seem good.  She's 77 years old, she'll be 78 in June.

My nationality is Black or African American. I like just plain American, though. I do have a smattering of different nationalities in my family, white and Italian, as I know.

So, that's a good bit about me, if there is anything else you want to know, feel free to ask.

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