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Two weeks ago, on saturday the 14th, I decided that I would shop for some clothes(could you really call it shopping when I only purchased two outfits) with the same cousin I went to the movies with. During this activity a part of me felt extremely crummy and embarassed because of course I felt the usual SA symptoms rushing into me like a mad hurricane. Every time I came out of the dressing room(the most dreadful experience of this shopping) with different clothes on, I always felt that EVERYONE in the store was disagreeing with my looks. But the bright side to those messy feelings I had was the bit of relief I felt from leaving my home and entering a place in which I could once again become connected with reality again.

Not to mention I was(and I still am) in desperate need for some new clothes because I am growing out of my old ones so quickly and I haven't shopped for clothes since 2001/2002! I told my cousin that I am interested in black, white, dark red, and dark blue clothes the most(I prefer mostly duller colors over brighter colors). But in the end, out of all the clothes I tried on the only ones I could fit were the brighter colored clothes(UGH!!). I picked out two outfits, I had my cousin pay the cashier with the money my mom loaned me(what a shame, I couldn't even pay the cashier on my own

), and then we left.

I didn't really want to keep telling my cousin just how much I dislike wearing bright, fruity, summer clothes(I'm not used to wearing summer clothes because I hate how my limbs, chest, and back are more visible and that gives me such a vulnerable feeling *shivers*) because she went through the trouble of picking me up, driving me to the store, going in there with me, helping me shop, and  thusly paying the cashier(she also did my hair for free again right afterwards over her house, she's so kind). Well, I hope the next time I go shopping whether it be for clothes, videogames, flamethrowers, or whatever, I will feel more at ease and just focus on the shopping rather than the people.

Tags: Personal Online Journal

Last saturday(June 7th) my cousin called me to tell me she was on her way over my house to take me clothes shopping after she gets her new stomach ring(lol) and so kindly does my hair for free(again). But I had to tell her that I'd go next saturday(June 14th) because my mom wasn't able to loan me any money to buy my own clothes. But my cousin was even sweet enough to offer her own money to buy my clothes.

But I just couldn't accept that. Why? Because she's already done things like my hair for free and then she took me to the movies and paid for my tickets(plus, I generally feel guilty about accepting anyone's money whether they've done things for me or not). I wonder if I should have just accepted that offer....You might assume that I was greatly disappointed....On the contrary,

I was extremely relieved because I couldn't stop thinking about how much easier it would be for people to notice me in a clothing store than the movies(since its too dark to actually see anyone in good enough detail).

I just know I'm going to feel even dumber in the store than I did in the movies because I have to walk around and since I don't know my way around stores, I'll probably follow my cousin around like some baby duck(UGH). Maybe my therapist can offer me some advice(even if her sessions are but a mere 15 minutes lol).

Its almost been a month since the last time I blogged(wow!). Since then I haven't done anything memorable or interesting anyways. Basically all I've been doing was laying in bed or on a couch, listening to the same music over and over again, watched Fate/Stay Night(a not-so-popular anime I downloaded not too long ago) a couple of times, and that's really about it.

But last saturday(May 31st) I did do something different, it was so different that it made me feel uncomfortable; I left my house all day long(didn't come home until 1 in the morning). First, I went to the movies with a cousin of mine(we watched Prince Caspian), then I reluctantly came over my great grandmother's home(thank goodness only a few other people were there at the moment), and lastly, I stayed over my cousin's(the same cousin I saw the movie with)house.

Although being outside of my home(otherwise known as my 'comfort zone') made me irrationally nervous, I did have some fun(I think). But as the day drew to its end I became unreasonably depressed(perhaps I got sad because it was the end to such a bright day).

I was certain something would go terribly wrong, but nothing did!Now my cousin urges me to go clothes-shopping with her next saturday(June 7th)and I hope that goes well too if I still hold onto the will of actually leaving my house again. Maybe if I continue to venture outside more often like this I could emerge from my 'shell'. Who knows.....

As the title of this blog suggests, this is my very first time ever doing a blog, PERIOD. In fact, I wasn't too sure of what a blog is until I looked up the word in wikipedia(that site has something on nearly every little thing). I guess a blog is something that can be about anything really. But I heard that blogs really began as online journals/diaries. I never kept a consistent diary, but I could try that out right here. Perhaps when I start up a good number of blogs I could show them to my therapist so she can have a better evaluation of my every other day life(and there's not much there). So I will begin this blog with what I've done so far today ever since 2 AM because that's when I got up today(and I plan to go right back to sleep soon, its 9 AM now). Too bad I won't be mentioning what went on with me the rest of the day after this blog*sigh*.

 Well, I remember waking up at 2 AM after my 2nd oldest bro used his cpu for I don't know, much of the evening. That's right, I use his cpu just to be constantly kicked off of it by him. I swear every chance I get to use it he comes up to me and says, 'can i see something(on his cpu) real quick' and then i'm like 'sure.' I don't think 8 hours is real quick for anything(except when it comes to beating any role-playing game). So I fell asleep and woke up at 2 friggin AM in the morning. Now I know why I am nocturnal. Now was my chance to use his cpu in peace since that hogging brother of mine was fast asleep. I spent most of my time in the SAF's chatroom and shout out box where i met some friendly folks and pervs(they were friendly too). I never seen such an active chatroom b4(then again, I've only been to a few). I must have been in there for like 4 hours straight!! Eventually I left because everybody else left. Then I thought 'hey, I should send some of those nice guys and gals friend requests so we could like keep in touch' and i did just that; along with checking out their homepages. Yep, there's a whole lot of neat things to do here. Finally my persistent bro wakes up, comes straight towards me without even so much as a 'hello,' and says 'i need to see somethin' real quick' AGAIN!!(its terribly annoying). He did this twice after he woke up, but this time it was 'real quick' I only waited ever so patiently for like 5 to 10 minutes, which isn't so bad. And to make things even better.......HE'S NOT HERE!!HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I have his cpu all to myself, you'd think I should be happy but I feel lonely. That's because my mom is at work now and since my bro isn't here with me i quickly realize that i have no friends at all. *sigh* I guess thats it for now. I think i'll burn some music, eat breakfast, and like sleep as long as i damn well want.

 See, I told you(in my profile somewhere) I have no life  and I'll be damned if anyone actually read this boring garb.......