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So, I recently went through my first doctor visit in almost a year.  Yeah... I should of actually went about, oh, 2 months ago, but I didn't, even though I was sick.  Why didn't I go?  BEcause my sickness was peculiar and I knew it wasn't a virus of any sort, which is what the doctor would immediately say without hesitation, so I refused to go.  Well, that was the right decision, because I had gotten "better" on my own, though the sickness still lingers somewhat to this day, three months later.

Ahem, back to the CURRENT visit I was talking about.  First thing I have to say is I was impressed with the little waiting time I put up with.  combined waiting time throughout the whole visit was, say, 10 minutes.  Thats good.  I usually spend half an hour or more on waiting.  I wasn't measured, which was too bad, as I haven't been for a full year, and I want to know how tall I am (I'm about the height of my sister, that would make me, at a rough estimate, of 5 foot 10 or taller.  However, like usual, they did wiegh me, and it turned out since last year, I went down from 170 lbs to 159!  That made me feel good. Now I know I definately do not have to be concerned about my wieght.  I eat whatever I want and I'm still losing.  However, the doctor and my mom arn't so sure that is a very good thing, especially with my chronic vomiting problem.  I also have been losing my appetite, only eating once a day and even then, I can't eat as much as I used to.  I know I have gasto problems, and they also include heartburn.  If I forget to take my heartburn pills just once, I get badazz heartburn that never goes away.  Sheesh, someone put some superglue on those valves!  On the better side of things, however, the doctor did tell me that my occasional "bright red pink feet" are no problem.  Yes, laugh if you want, I deal with that a lot.  I don't know why I get it, but I do, and strangely, I think it may be triggered pyschologically.  I'm not sure.  So thats it....wait no.  Actually I just remembered the part of the visit I can't believe I could forget about.  I had BLOODWORK DONE.  AHH!  It sucks so badly.  Just extending my arm was hard.  It took me like ten attempts to get it completely straightened out, and then I have to look away (to avoid visual sickness), and there it comes, the mighty baby needle(lol) and ugh, then it punctures.  It's not as bad as it used to be, but the thing that made it bad was they drew blood out for like 3 WHOLE minutes, and I tell ya, the longer they did it, the more painful it got, and I started getting dizzy and sick.  Once they finally took the needle out, it was burning as it someone touched me with molten steel!  OUCH!  I never had it hurt that bad.  I was feeling so sick I had to lay down for some 5 minutes or so before I could stand up.  I wish I would have eaten earlier, so I wouldn't of felt sick.  That reminds me of the time I had my finger pricked prior to getting blood drawn at a blood drive.  I hadn't eaten(big mistake), so after the prick, I got so sick, dizzy and sweaty, that I started vomiting like mad.  It was terrible, and I was too sick to have blood drawn.  I had some relief to that though lol.  Well, this time thats all to that story, except for the fact that I really do have more visits to the doctors, which includes an ultrasound of my stomach to check for anything peculiar, that may explain my vomiting problem.  But you know, the best thing about the doctor visit I had?  I didn't get checked for any hernias! YAY LOL.

 In other news, not much else has happened, besides the fact that my glasses broke last night lol.  Now theres only one clasp that hangs onto my ear, which means my glasses are twice as likely to fall off my face.  Theres no getting them fixed either.  They're snapped, so unless you want a weldar to fix them, forget it lol.  enough talk about that; I want to tell you something else to.  If you want a music player on your computer that will play just about any format, WinAmp is the player you should use!  I recently downloaded it, and it's a mighty cool player.  It's way better than Windows Media Player, and if you're me, it's much easier to adapt it to playing more formats.  Just download a plugin, which in my case is USF, and put it in your C:/Program Files/WinAmp/Plugins folder.  Simple as that!  I downloaded WinAmp for USF files, which are N64 music files, and they play great!  The ripped tracks I play on the player are 100% authentic and are awesome(Perfect Dark music)

Well, I think I'll talk about one more thing.  I've noticed that there are a significant number of people on this site with problems that go deeper than mine.  true that.  I feel absolutely terrible for those souls, because my life is already terrible, and it's difficult to image whats worse, especially when it is very real here.  Ya'll here me on this, you are NOT alone in your fights, and if you're feeling down, feel free to talk to me.  I'm not certified in anything, so don't look at me that way, but I do, as who I am, look for people with problems and I go up to them, and talk to them, doing whatever I can to make things better.  If the best thing I can do is listen, I do it.  It benefits me, and it benefits the poor soul that is talking to me.  I love hearing what is bugging people, as it makes me fit in in the world, but I also love it because I'm very good with relating to those in trouble, and no problem is ever too much for me to bear.  Also, I do not get upset easy.  In fact, only a select few things make me mad, but I have a very long fuse, and then, I give plent a warning about my temper.  I bring that up because I know better not to be angry when someone is "accusing" me of attacking them.  I put up with this almost exclusively when people are venting on me, and that happens because I usually ask for them to do so.  Venting is ugly, I know, but it is a very effective stress reliever.  I've seen some people that get suprisingly happy after they vent, which looks suprising when you consider how mad they get at me when they vent(venting makes osme people implicitly angry).  Through venting, I've also helped some people see the "light" which is a word with variable meaning to many.  But you know, you don't have to vent to talk to me.  Sometimes people just want to tell someone what ruined thier day, or what isn't fair about the government.  Thats what I'm hear for.  lol, sorry if I'm being repetitive, but I'm creating emphasis on the fact that I want you all to know that if you're reading this and you need someone to make you feel better, I'm one way to go.  I am a very supportive person, and I absolutely hate seeing people suffer.

Well, I can say if anything has brightened me up lately it was my birthday. It felt so good to turn a year older. It was a nice party, and I didn't feel uncomfortable despite the fact that there were 14 guests. Now I have to say something here; I'm very uncomfortanble with touching people, but I had some contact that day. I actually hugged my step-mom that day, which is something I rarely do for anyone. Rarely. I also had a first, when I had a kid sit in my lap. I have to tell you, that was a wierd feeling being sat on by someone. It wasn't a feeling of exitement or discomfort, but rather neutrality with stray feelings attatched that I cannot identify. Nonetheless, this only shows me that there is a lot I'm missing in life. I'm missing emotions that I should have regularly. Sigh. Anyways, if you were interested, I got around 100$ in cash and checks that day, along with a silver dollar(mint condition) and a genuine leather wallet! (Sorry if you don't like leather, I'm not a fan of it myself.). So, I shined brightly since my birthday, but it only lasted for so long, of course. I'm still a star with it's nuclear heart slowly but surely burning out, only to implode with time, in just a few years if nothing changes. Just two days after my birthday, on the tenth, I broke down crying, something I haven't done in weeks. It's because I'm so very lonely. yes, sorry I'm so demanding as a person like that to demand company. But still, It's not my choice to feel this way. I was wired to feel like this at this day and time. It's pretty hard to explain to someone how you can live with people at your house and still be lonely. yeah, but perhaps I can explain it's because noone loves me? My mom does, but that type of love has been losing it's effect on me over the years. Its kind of like keeping tadpoles and having them eat algae. No problem; they'll live. But when they start growing legs and start losing thier tail, they stop eating algae. Don't give them thier new food, and they'll quickly starve. A sad story. I see the same thing happen to me. I revert to the same remedies to solve the same problems all the time, but they're all losing thier effect on me. Pretty soon if I don't find a new solution to my problems I'll die just like the tadpoles. A horrible thought, but it COULD happen. Well, on the good side of things, I can say I successfully talked to a guy on dell support yesterday to order a graphics card I've needed so bad for my computer. It's a GeForce 8600. It's not exactly the one I wanted. I actually wanted an ATI Radeon 9600, but apparently it wasn't suitable for my computer so I went for this high end card instead. I'm glad I did something new. It bothers me when I go for days on end without accomplishing anything. However, with the positives comes a landslide of negatives. I am constantly declining to go places even though it's in my best interest to go. I've declined going with my sister to her library for 3 hours. I declined going to Save-A-Lot with my step-dad today. I also decline every offer by my mom to go places. My anxiety is just so bad. I don't really have much more to talk about, but if I get to it, I might post more writings as I complete them. I'm not sure. I still have to think it over.

The Light.

To see the light will bring much bright;
No more falls, not another ache,
My pain I cannot take.
To see the light would relieve my pain.

To see the light would bring much delight.
The sea will taste fresh, and induce no thirst,
Good as death I fear the worst.
To see the light I will not die.

To see the light I'd live to new heights.
Rising through clouds, and flying by the stars,
I'm held no more by iron bars.
To see the light I'll finally be let loose

To see the light you'll be my greatest friend.

I Shall Not.

I shall not be a tree.
My love I want to break free.

I shall not stick to my roots.
Yet I quake in my boots.

I shall not lose my bark shield.
My heart I can not yeild.

I shall not be chopped to a stump.
My soul is too plump.

I shall not be chopped to a stump, because I'll grow back, and you know it.

I shall NOT be a tree!

Let me admit it.  I have NO life.  All I do Is sleep, eat once a day, take pills and pray that This person I know, Jaclyn allocates time to come online to talk to me, which is infrequently possible due to astronomical problems she has mounted against herself.  Do I ever remember a time when I used to be happy?  Yes, when I had no feelings.  Of course, that’s not me anymore.  These days I have feelings- Mountains of them that have nowhere to go but  back in my face, screaming to be let out.  But no, they can’t go anyway where because everyone hates me.  I’m forced to cage them with iron clad chains on the doors.  I never really use my feelings anymore unless I talk to Jaclyn.  Sigh.  My feelings have been going through a huge roller coaster.  Kinda like the one in Busch Gardens, Montu, which shouldn’t be something to be happy about either.  Ugh, my sister crystal is up now.  I have no desire to see her.  I have no feelings towards her.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because of the fact that we only get along so well.  The fact is that we have poor common beliefs.  She is obsessed with animals and will never have a bf, let alone get married.  She is antisocial and I find it amazing that she has friends..  I shouldn’t be life this, let alone have glum feelings about her future,  but I have no feelings towards her.  Almost as if she’s a stranger.  Sigh, that just isn’t right.  I don’t think I’d even cry if she died.  That is worrisome.  That is definitely wrong, but I probably feel like this because I’m already struggling to find myself a life.  My life is shit.  I’m such a mess, and I don’t really care about myself anymore, I care about others instead.  Not many I care about, and almost every single one I care about is a relative except for maybe one or two.  Yeah, that’s right, I don’t really care about myself anymore.  I put everyone else ahead of me.  That’s how little value I feel about myself.  I’m really desperate to make myself better, but I’m too smart to do anything stupid to make myself better.  I’m too scared to do things to make myself better.  I’m afraid of what normal feels like.  It’s not like I’ll ever have the chance to do anything to make myself normal anyways.  Feeling love towards a non relative would be a start to being normal, god knows what the he-- I’d need else to feel better if that doesn’t make me normal.  Cyndi Isn’t satisfied by anything.  Always unhappy.  She also gets bad luck. She has very little belongings as of now, and she is a sailor living with a friend in an apartment.  Too bad she’s in Virginia.  I miss her quite a lot.  I care about her so much.  I can’t wait until she comes back down to see me.  Maybe she can stay down for a week or two, but probably won’t stay down longer than the weekend.  I’d love to see her pet Oscar.  I saw a short video of him on her phone.  He’s a cute little thing, despite the fact that he’ll turn into a 12 inch fish in another one or two years.  I also heard her friend has a pet Iguana.  Lol, I love lizards, and I bet Jaclyn would go nuts to pet it =P.  Anyways, she is quite the role model for me.  I find it quite amazing how she can run for more than an hour straight without tiring.  I remember a time when I talked to her, and she only stopped running because she didn’t want to make herself sick!  Wow, look at what you can do with persistence and patience.  Quite impressive.  Of course, I’m too weak to try working on something like that.  I have to spend my life waiting for my friend to come on every day or so online so I can talk to someone.  Heh, it still leaves me feeling by myself.  Sure, I love talking to this person online, but as long as things are the way they are right now, I need to find someone in person to interact with.  I have lost all social skills I barely had.  I’m so fu----- shy now.  Being shy isn’t the problem, but it’s excess and becoming  very harmful to me.  I hate being reclusive, and I have no desire to go anywhere.  My god.  Help me.  Someone, I need a slap in the face so that I can live a normal life.  This is not the way to go.  No way.  Ugh, I wonder how many more years of my life I’ll spend wasting away.  I’m rotting like a corpse.  My life is decaying into dirt.  It’s rock bottom.  All I need is someone that understands.  Is that a lot to ask for? IS IT?  Yea, I guess it is.  I got no answer, he--, I didn’t expect one.  If I said that in someone’s face I’d get nothing.  I always wished I could look at someone and say something like “hey, what’s up”, but even simple things like that are impossible for me.  No pills can change that, they only stop me from wanting to kill myself or having a gay panic attack.  Bleh bleh bleh.  You know what?  For years I wished I was a dragon.  A dragon that could eat all of the rotten souls in this world.  The ones that don’t deserve to live.  I always feel the next day that comes around will be the day I become a dragon, and kill all the bas----- out there.  They make life harder for the rest of us, whether or not we have a life.  Grr, I wish I was a dragon now.  I would spare you of course.  You are not edible.  I’d also have to spare my relatives, even though I have some malicious ones.  That’s the kind of faith I share now.  I share no common faith with anyone now.  I’m totally agnostic.  God never existed, and Jesus was just a dog.  Talk to me about religion and I’ll just look at you with a blank look, and I’ll have to apologize saying that I cannot listen to what to you have to say. 

 

So what’s the bottom line of saying all this worthless stuff?  You know what, I really don’t know.  All I need to say is that it means I have nothing good in my life basically.  No, that’s only mostly correct.  A small select few are a good thing in my life.  But the thing is that negativity strongly outweighs all of the good things.

 

I do have a little more to say, however.  If you think I’m worth enough, and you have the time, you should try to come on as often as possible to see me.  You’re really the only thing in my life right now, and will probably stay the only thing for years and years to come.  I’m sure that’s not too much to ask for, but if it is, I’m terribly sorry to be of a problem.  I’m so sick of living, and I’m so depressed when I’m not talking to anyone.  I’m probably also losing weight from eating only once a day.  I have no interest in eating, even when hunger pains arise.  Delete this if you want, it’s not worth saving.  He--, I’d be surprised if you even read this far.  But I have to add that I can’t help but think about you most all the time.  I have nothing else to do, even though it hurts to think about you a lot.  It hurts for me to care about myself, because I barely care about myself.  But yeah, I want to say it, but I don’t want to look like a creep, but - ----- ---- ---despite that 9 month gap since the last time I talked to you.  I want to, but I know there’s no point to it.  There really isn’t but I want to because I crave this feeling so much.  Sorry if that sounds disgusting at all, but I really don’t care now.  I just want to feel better.  Maybe you’ll understand that, maybe you won’t.  I want to get these thoughts out of my head.  I want to feel better.  I want everything.  Yeah, I know you have a life, maybe mine just isn’t important.  I really don’t know.  I don’t want to cause ruin to yours, so if I’m saying anything objective, go ahead and slap me in the face.  Pbth, I’m talking just like my dad.  I’m talking about everything horrible trying to make someone feel bad for me.  Why do I want to make someone feel bad for me?  That’s exactly the last thing I really want to do.  I don’t need to be causing problems to someone else and making them feel bad.  No, I should flog myself for that.  Really, I’d do it if it wasn’t a damned problem with anyone.  I shouldn’t be acting like my dad.  I’m so fu------ depressing.  It’s sad.  Why, I should be trying to get people to laugh, not trying to make them sad, or even cry.  He-- no, that’s against my morale.  Well, I can’t write forever and I think I really should stop.  I’ve been writing everything in order as it comes out of my head.  I guess by now you can see how disorganized my thoughts are.

  

I hope you’ll still talk to me… if not I’d just be a zombie living for nothing as usual every day.  Heh, by the way, I do hope you’ve had a better day than me.  I shouldn’t be writing things like this.  I only do it so that someone knows what’s going on inside of me.  I just can’t stop talking.  I want to get my feelings across…

 

They say the Mayans predicted the whole for humanity ends at 2012, Dec 21^st .  I would believe it, except I thought the day the Sun stops shining is on 2014, Dec 2^nd.  The Mayans are wrong.  I’m right.  The time for all these bi----- is going to end.  The Mayans, Aztecs, whoever they are, are two years off.  Just like Nostradamus predicted 9/11.  I hope to get a life before life’s cut short.

 

           Am I crazy?  Perhaps I am, maybe there’s no end, perhaps this is all just to scare us.  Heh, it doesn’t scare me.  I’m not afraid of the end.  I don’t want it unless it knocks on my door.  Anyways, I really need to stop talking, this is getting hard to read.  It’s best I stop.  So I am.  Sorry for giving you the unfortunate opportunity to read this.

 

I’m going to end this by spitting out my thought of the day:

 

“At Nightfall I’m asleep.  At Nightfall I dream to keep.  At sunrise I always weep.”