Missouri has a bike trail, the Katy Trail, that runs across the state from Clinton in the west to St. Charles in the east.  From 1996 to 1999, I had rode my bike along the Katy Trail from Sedalia (the former western terminus) to McBaine, from a point north of Providence to Jefferson City, and from Dutzow to Augusta.  At that time, I had almost conquered the entire western half of the Katy Trail (Sedalia to Jefferson City), all I had left was the 4 mile section from McBaine to Providence.

From time to time over the last 10 years, I would see or think about the Katy Trail and be reminded of that one 4-mile section I had not ridden.

A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with the associate pastor of the church that I attend.  He suggested that I take one day a week and relax not do any work, not even cook or clean, just a day to relax.  I chose Sunday to be that day.  Three Sundays ago, I went to St. Louis and spent the day there.  Two Sundays ago, I went to Springfield, MO, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Kansas City.  Last Sunday, I visted my cousin just north of me Kirksville.  This Sunday, I wanted to stay local.  I decided it was time to complete the former western half of the Katy Traiil and ride the 4 mile section.

Saturday, I went to Wal-Mart and bought a foot pump and prepared my bike for the ride.  Sunday morning, I got up, put on my cycling spandex, loaded my bike into my SUV, got my water, and drove down to the trailhead at McBaine. 

I unloaded my bike, started at the McBaine trail marker, and made my way south east downriver along the Katy Trail.  While biking, I was observing the sights, feeling the wind at my face, and enjoying the ride.  4.3 miles later, I made it to Providence and crossed the road there.  It was my personal "Finish Line". 

However, for my trek this day, I was only halfway done.  I turned around and headed upriver back to McBaine.  When I got to Mile Marker 166.9, I stopped at the Lewis & Clark Historical Marker and also looked at the Katy Trail Marker, which was talking about an natural arch.  I looked up, and I saw the natural arch in the rock.  I then started my trek again on the trail until I made it back to McBaine. 

When I arrived at McBaine, I was happy to finally complete that elusive section of the Katy Trail that had daunted me for the last 10 years.  Now, I could say that I have ridden the trail from Sedalia to Jefferson City with no gaps.  I was thinking about how nice it was to complete that task.  For lunch, I drove down to Jefferson City for a celebratory lunch.  I did it!!!

This past week at work, I was also witness to another one of my projects being completed that I had worked and toiled for countless hours, our company's new Point of Sale system.  People in our Arkansas and Oklahoma sales locations have been test driving it the last week.  On Friday, I received no phone calls with any issues regarding the new system.  I was relieved and happy.

It sure feels great to complete things.  In the past, I have always found it difficult to complete things because of my perfectionism, and also the fact in my last two jobs, as soon as I said my work was completed, my job was completed as well.

I have now started on two goals that I want to complete.  The first goal I started in mid-July is to read the entire Bible from Genesis to Revelation for the first time in my life.  I am reading the New International Version of the Bible.  As of today, I am in the book of 1 Chronicles.

The second goal is to make peace with my past, and to say goodbye to Social Anxiety once and for all.  Saturday night after church, I came home and signed up for group therapy to help people with Social Anxiety.  The group therapy starts Tuesday, September 2, and I am looking forward to it.

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"Did you know the longer you are with somebody, the more you find out about them?"  I made that remark back in 1994 when I was a tutor at an Honors Institute for gifted and talented high school students to my friend who was also a tutor in the same class.

It's an absolutely true statement.  What is also true is that some of the things we like about a person now we may not like about them five years down the road.  For example, a person who is "solid as a rock" and has a "strong moral foundation" is seen five years later as "stubborn" and "unbending".  A person who is "financially stable" now will be a "tightwad" and "penny-pincher" five years down the line.  A person who is "spontaneous" now will be seen as being "uncommitted" and "risky" five years later.

ONe of the problems with this image-driven society we seem to live in today is that in many cases, we put up a facade, or we put on an act, to hide our true self, and we only show people what we want them to see.  The problem is that, after five years, the facade is torn down, and people see the true you.  A lot of people want their partner to change.  The problem is, most of the time, change only works for a short time, then they are right back to their original self.

The reason I bring this up is that the last few weeks, since I paid a visit to the emergency room, my boss has been extremely coarse toward me.  It peaked early last week when she said to me "I don't believe you" in front of a co-worker when I informed her that she authorized me to make the change.  I brought out the document to prove to her that she did authorize the change.  The next day, she called me into her office.  The first words out of her mouth were, "Is there something you want to say to me?"  Now, SHE called ME into her office.  I said "No, why?"  She said she hated the fact that when I was given an assignment, I focused on my assignment and got it done (if any of you reading this blog see a problem with that last sentence, please let me know).  She was upset that I never challenged her decisions or her reversals.  In fact, I always do, but she would always ignore me and wave me off and tell me to "do it anyway".  Then, when she would fall flat on her face, I would change it back.

What was bothering me was why she was being so mean to me, even after she was was in the emergency room at my bedside when the doctor said to cut out the stress.  What was the most ironic to me was, why was she criticing me for the things she liked about me when she hired me.

I talked with my mom about this issue.  She asked me how long I have been with my boss.  I told her five years (it will be five years to the day on Wednesday, July 23).  My mom then told me about the "five-year" itch.  This happens to alot of friendships, marriages, and relationships in general.  After five years, all of the defenses are down, and each of you sees the real you.  The ultimate test of relationships is getting over the "five-year itch" before it becomes the "seven year ache". 

I had never experienced this before:

• Before my current boss, the longest boss I ever worked for was for 2 years, 2 months, and 11 days.  I am more than double that with my current boss. 
• Before my current employer, the longest I had been with one company was for 3 years, 2 months, and 15 days.  Last Saturday, I celebrated my 4th anniversary with my current employer (I worked with my current boss for just under 10 months at my previous emplyer).
• Before my move to Columbia, the longest I have ever lived in one city was just shy of 4 years and 3 months.  I will have lived in Columbia five years next month.

The odd thing I have noticed is that I have changed as a person as well.  She probably does not like the fact that I am gaining more confidence, and I am becoming less afraid to stand up to her.  This is as a result of all of the therapy I have been going through over the last year to combat my Social Anxiety Disorder.  But also, I have aged five years, and I have gained more experience as a person.

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I just finished reading a book from Joyce Moyer, “The Battlefield of the Mind”.  In this book, she made a comparison that having Social Anxiety was in the same family as having a “Wilderness” mentality.  In the book, a person with a “wilderness” mentality was someone who excluded a part of themselves from the rest of the world, similar to a person going to the wilderness to get away from civilization.  She identified ten sayings that people with “wilderness” mentalities tend to say.  I, myself, was able to identify with all of them in my struggles with Social Anxiety.

·         “My future is determined by my past and my present.”  Where you are at this very second is the culmination of all of the decisions, good and bad, that have been made in your life.  But, tomorrow is a new day.  People that tend to live in the past or try to correct the past never see the future coming until it is too late.

·         “I don’t want the responsibility.”  I think about Morgan Freeman in “Bruce Almighty” when he said, “If you want miracles to happen in your life, be the miracle.”  But, a lot of people don’t want to take the responsibility to do what it takes to improve them.  As a result, a lot of people tend not to want to “rock the boat.”  But, in order to move forward in life, you have to take risk, which means taking responsibility.  You may not have been the one responsible for putting you in this mess called Social Anxiety, but you need to take responsibility to get rid of Social Anxiety.

·         “I can’t take it if things are too hard!”  Billy Ocean said it best, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”  Some people try to get out of the Social Anxiety hole.  But, it does get more difficult as you keep climbing out.  But, you have to have motivation and perseverance to keep on moving.  If you give up, not only do you fall back to where you were, but you create an even bigger hole for yourself.

·         “I can’t help it – I’m just addicted.”  Sometimes, alcohol, drugs, or other psychological addictions keep us from seeking the help we need to overcome.  One of the reasons I have been in chat less is because I came to the realization that I was become addicted to chat, and so I have been coming in less often.

·         “Don’t make me wait – I want it now!”  Some people want Social Anxiety over with now, if there were only a magic pill.  I will tell you right now, for me, it has been a slowly evolving process.  It started over a year ago seeing a psychologist.  I have also been in group therapy sessions as well.  I have been doing a lot better and making some progress.

·         “It’s not my fault!”  The blame game has been going on since Adam blamed Eve for giving him the apple to eat.  In reality, it may not be your fault that you have Social Anxiety.  But, it is your fault if you don’t attempt to do something about it.  Like Yogi Berra says, “If you see a fork in the road, take it!”  Just don’t remain standing at the fork, choose a direction and go.

·         “My life is so miserable.”  I love pity parties.  Everybody’s life is miserable at one time or another.  Life can’t be up all of the time.  If you are in a downturn in your life, remember this, there are billions of people on this planet right now that cannot even read this blog because they don’t have a computer.  Billions of people live in far worse conditions than you or I.  Your and my misery is another person’s dream.

·         “I don’t deserve God’s blessings.”  Now I can bring in the Wayne’s World quote “We’re not worthy!  We’re not worthy!”  Some of us feel like we have made so many mistakes and have botched up our life so bad, there is no one we can even turn to, not even God.  The whole idea of blessings or support is that it is offered and given even when you don’t want it.

·         “Why shouldn’t I be jealous?”  This was my core issue complaint with Social Anxiety.  My sister was raised by my father, and he didn’t want to have a son.  My other sister is now captain of the high school cheerleading squad, the queen of society in the town she lives, and here I sit alone in my home office typing up a blog.  I remember when I lived in Kansas City, I would look out my suicide doors (they were called suicide doors because they were patio doors that if you opened them up and walked out them, you would fall one story to the asphalt below) and see my neighbor across the street going to work, and I often wondered where I went wrong, and how lucky he was.  Why was I dealt the hand I was dealt, and others have an easier road?  Well, one reason is that I could write about it later for others to read and provide help to them.

·         “I’m doing it my way!”  The late Frank Sinatra hit this one on the head.  The odd thing is, no matter how much you try, you cannot conquer Social Anxiety alone.  Sometimes, your best laid plans can fall smack on your face.  Last month, I was very happy that I had several of my bills paid off.  Then, I ended up in the emergency room.  If you have a plan to combat Social Anxiety, share with someone else to provide constructive comments to help you.

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Well, I returned to church tonight for the first time in public since the blackout incident last Tuesday 7/1.  I had to work late again tonight like I did the night I had the blackout, and I rushed over to church for our Community Live service.

I walked around the lobby of the church and I bumped into my former group therapy instructor (from my spring group therapy) and he asked me how I was doing and how I was feeling. 

I then walked around and I looked into the cafe that is adjacent to our lobby, and sitting there was the nurse from my group therapy who came to my aid when i blacked out.  I walked over to her and introduced myself again.  She said it was nice to see me looking more normal than the last time we met.  We hugged, and she introduced me to her sister.  We then sat next to each other throughout the church service.  It was a great service.  There were times I was hinking about the incident, but I took deep breaths and relaxed, and I made it through.

After the service, I walked down to the front of the auditorium and chatted with Rod (the guy I wrote the letter to in my previous blog), the Associate Pastor.  He thanked me for writing the letter, and he wanted me to set up an appointment with him so we could talk one-on-one about my experience, and what my next steps are for support.

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NOTE:  The following is an e-mail that I sent to the Associate Pastor of the church that I attend.  I am sharing this with all of you because this was a very critical point in my life where my Social Anxiety was put to the test in a most extreme case, where I had absolutely no control in my life at all.

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Rod,

First of all, I am sorry that I missed the service last Saturday evening.  I was up in Hannibal for the Fourth of July weekend.  I am planning to attend Community Live this upcoming Wednesday evening.

I did not mean to bring a more literal meaning to “’crash’ courses” last Tuesday night.  I really did enjoy Kevin Bartolacci’s class on the Mathematics of Margin.  I had been going through a lot the weeks prior to this class.  I had been working about 60 hours a week at work preparing a new system to become operation (which it did this past weekend).  My boss had been putting a lot of pressure on me since the two other vendors associated with this project were not living up to their expectations.  As a result, I was shouldering the work and responsibility of three people while trying to do my own job, and last Tuesday night, all of the stress I had been facing, and all of the anger, fear, and frustration that was building up inside of me, I collapsed.  As Kevin stated in the class, I reached my finite emotional limit.

As I mentioned to you before, I have suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder for over 31 years and also I have problems trusting others ever since the incident my dad did to me back when I was 18.  This incident was the first time in my adult life that I had no control of what was going on with me physically, and that I had to completely trust in the hands of my classmates with my life.

After I performed the sobriety tests in the classroom, they asked me if I wanted to take the ambulance or drive to the hospital myself, since my motor skills were to the paramedics’ satisfaction.  I thought about it for a few seconds, and then Sandra, the RN who was in our class, told me to go into the ambulance.  I made my decision based completely on Sandra’s advice.

On a lighter note, even though I was riding in the Mizzou ambulance to the Mizzou hospital, I made sure not to mention what school I was a fan of.  Otherwise, they may have just put me out of my misery.

Anyway, while I was in the ER, I prayed to God and asked him what the message he was trying to tell me was.  In my prayer, I heard three words “I planned this”.  At the time, I was trying to figure out what he meant, but then it hit me. 

I was in a class with two nurses and a co-worker.  The only reason the one nurse, Sandra, was in our class was because she had won the rhino from one of the services a few weeks back (I was at the service and saw her win the rhino).  The class that day was on Physical Margin, and Kevin was stressing the importance of having physicals and getting your blood work done.  My co-worker in my class followed me to the hospital.  On the way to the hospital, the paramedic made the observation that I couldn’t have been in a more perfect environment for this to happen.  I could have been driving, or by myself in my apartment, or sitting behind my computer at work.  Instead, I was sitting in a class with two trained medical professionals and additional people as well.  When I was at the hospital, my co-worker called my boss, and about 20-30 minutes later, my boss and her boss both saw me in the emergency room, with an IV in my arm and a blood pressure sleeve and heart monitor strapped to me.  Both my boss and her boss heard the news about the stress and overexertion.  When I got the results of the blood work back, the doctor had stated that everything in my results was perfect, all of my numbers were right where they should be, and nothing looked out of the ordinary.

When I got up the next morning, something was telling me to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with you.  That’s when I came to the church on Wednesday morning, and Tim Davis informed me you were on a retreat.

I will tell you that this past weekend, I went to Hannibal to visit my parents for the Fourth of July, and to relax, and I will tell you that I felt closer to my dad than I have ever been.  Also, at the family picnic, my aunt and grandmother both gave me a hug and told me that dad had informed them about the news.  In sitting with them at the picnic, this was the closest I had ever felt toward them (considering they wanted nothing to do with me growing up).

I look forward to talking with you soon.  Again, I did enjoy the crash course, and Kevin Bartolacci was a great instructor.

Thank you for all of your help!

Josh Aldrich

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I haven't been on the website much recenlty, and I just wanted to let you know what has been going on in my life.

Last Tuesday night, while attending a group therapy session at my church (on stress management), I suffered a blackout in class.  I was unconscious for 5 seconds.  I had to go in an ambulance to the University of Missouri Hospital for a CT scan and emergency tests.  After undergoing about 3 hours worth of tests, the doctor said that all of the blood test results came back normal.  The doctor also informed me the I had a cyst on my brain (which is actually common for people with ADHD).  The cyst hasn't grown in the 8 years I have known about.  According to my aunt, it is more than likely benign.

The likely cause of my blackout was too much stress at work.  I had been putting in about 60 hours a week at work to launch a new web application, working 7 days a week.  My boss and her boss were at my bedside while I was in the emergency room.  A co-worker, who was in the same group therapy with me, informed my boss, and she came to the hospital.

The doctor has to me to relax and chill out for the last few days, and try to "de-stress".  Thanks to my boss's boss, my hours have dropped considerably.  I am actually enjoying a 3-day weekend with family this weekend. 

One of the reasons I haven't been in the chatroom is that sometimes when I chat with you guys, my hearts gets racing with all of the passionate conversation, and I had to back off for a little until I can get my stress under control.  I still get a little light-headed at times when my heart starts to race.  Plus, on a regimen of rest I have gone to bed early as well as reading books to help calm me down. 

I hope to be back in the chatroom soon.

Josh

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When my sister comes to town and goes to the mall, she has to get her clothes at Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, Aeropostale, and American Eagle.  I see some college kids that drive in cars with tinted windows, premium sound systems, high performance tires, and rims.  Also, these young men have to be beautiful and “6 and 6” (6 foot tall and 6-pack abs).  These young people thrive on Monster, Amp, Red Bull, or RockStar energy drinks for their 24/7 lives.

We see in the news about people having plastic surgery.  Television shows tell us what fashion is “in” and what fashion is “out”.  Magazines tell us who the beautiful people are.  If people in society don’t conform to these social standards, they are criticized and out casted, considered to be Neanderthals, old-fashioned, or they are told they have “social anxiety”.

In order to conform to these social norms, many people take out student loans, max out credit cards, and pile themselves deep into debt.

A couple of months ago, having just turned 35, I was looking at my retirement portfolio, and I discovered that I would be able to retire and be financially secure for the rest of my life when I reached retirement age.  I thought “Why aren’t more people like me?”  That’s when it hit me, “Am I actually normal, and a lot of people in society have social ‘hyper-anxiety’”? 

Have people gotten to the point that they have become so addicted to society that if they don’t jump on the latest societal bandwagon they are cast aside.  In this day where life is “all about the Benjamins”, have we forgot about just being ourselves?  We are so busy trying to put up facades, is there any wonder why the divorce rate is so high, or why there is so much financial turmoil that the even a change in one economic condition, such as the price of gasoline, can cause mass hysteria?

We are constantly being bombarded with advertisements, celebrities, and tabloid television telling us that we should not be happy with who we are, that we always need to strive to be better, and that we need to be in the latest trends in order to be with the “in” crowd.  We have to look or act a certain way in order to be “in”.  But, if we keep covering ourselves and pretend to be something we are not, it will come back to bite us, big time.

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When I first moved to Missouri and started my college studies, one of the first activities I did was go with my grandparents up to Iowa to attend my cousin's birthday party.  My parents and sister were still living in California at the time, and my grandparents thought it would be nice to get away from the college and visit my aunt and her family.

We attended the birthday party.  The birthday party was held at my aunt's famiily's house which was on the shores of a lake in southern Iowa.  I had a great time there, until another one of my cousins wanted me to go rowing on the lake.

So, I got in the boat with my cousin and we paddled around.  My cousin wanted to start rough housin, and he took a boat paddle and hit me in the back of the head with it.  My glasses flew off my head and into the lake. 

My cousin rowed me back to my grandparents on shore.  We found an optometrist in a neighboring local town (very small town) that agreed to see me on an emergency basis.  I got my eyes checked and my eye prescription filled out, then my grandparents drove me to a mall in Des Moines where I got my new glasses.

One thing I have noticed in my life is that I get stuck in a rut sometimes, or I catch myself doing the same things over and over again.  And even though I was burned the first time, I get burned the second and third times.  In short, how many times do I have to get hit in the head with a boat paddle before I learn to duck?

Now, granted, there is the old expression, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again."  But, you think you learn the lesson the first time, only to fall back into it a second time.  Sometimes, you are in a bad situation, and you realize that you know it is a bad situation, but you don't take any action because it is the only situation you know, or you feel the situation would get worse if you remove yourself from the situation. 

This is one of the reasons I have been at my job for almost the last 5 years.  I know my boss is abusive, and she has even admitted it to the HR director, but the pay has greatly improved (because of raises from her superiors), and so I am thinking to myself, I am working for them, not for her.  Despite the numerous apologies she gives me, she is still abusive.  If I leave the company, I know I won't get a job for the pay I am making in the current economic conditions, but also my boss would be terminated, and that would would be disatrous in the future if I needed a reference. 

In the comments of another blog I wrote, someone suggested that I find a different position in the same company.  I want to do that, and I have an area that I would like to work, but I just have to put up with my abusive boss a little while longer before I can be in that position.

I recently just completed a 28-day book called "Why Not You?" by life coach Valerie Burton.  She had twenty-eight diffferent daily exercises you could do to boost your confidence, reduce self-doubt, face the real source of my fears, and help me conquer my anxieties.  I have noticed an improvement in my communication skills with other people, I have felt more confident, and I have been able to accomplish my tasks easier and quicker.

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Well, Father's Day is here again.  Actually, I took my family to lunch last week when they were in town.  Condering the past I have had with my father (or lack thereof), it is amazing that I even came this far.

As I have mentioned before, my dad wasn't wanted by his mother, and my dad didn't want me.  I was raised by my mother, and her husband was not my father, but an enlisted man in the United States Air Force.  My dad was on loan to Uncle Sam for the first almost 19 years of my life.  My dad only had one simple rule while I was growing up: do not do anything that could potentially remotely embarras him in the slightest.  He was super aware of his reputation, and he did not want anything to destroy it by anyone.

Growing up in North Dakota, my dad was rarely around.  I remember in Cub Scouting, other kids would go to the Father/Son campouts or the Father/Son cake decorating contests, and my dad would have nothing to do with it.  The only time he would show up to Pack Meeting is when I achieved a rank, and then he was only there for his own reputation.  When I had my achievements in Mathcounts, my dad came out of the woodwork again to be by my side, but he was rarely there, except for the photo ops and interviews.

When my dad informed us we were moving to California, he told us about all of the exciting places we would go when we were out there, such as San Francisco to see the Golden Gate Bridge and the Cable Cars, the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, the Santa Cruz Boardwalk, Monterey and Carmel (my dad is a big Clint Eastwood fanatic), Hearst Castle in San Simeon, the Los Angeles Zoo, Magic Mountain, Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, the San Diego Zoo, and San Diego Sea World.  We would also see the big Sequoia trees, Yosemite National Park, and see the Grand Canyon.

When my dad got the promotion, and we moved to California, my dad was even more conscious of his reputation, and he put additional restrictions on my life, such as a 7pm curfew.  Even though I was a good kid, he could not take a chance that I might screw up.  My life under my dad was a script.  I was always told what to say, who to say it to, and when to say it.  THe only court of honor my parents attended while I was in Boy Scouting was when I achieved the rank of Eagle Scout, and that was because they were required to be in attendance, although I had a second set of parents (my mom and dad's friends) ready to step in.

All of these places my dad told us about, we didn't go to many of them.  HIs excuse was he went there and he didn't want to go back.  We never went to San Francisco, never went to the Winxhester Mystery House in San Jose,  never went to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk, or to Hearst Castle (my dad said it was just a big house, and he had been there many times).  We never went to the Loa Angeles Zoo, or Knotts Berry Farm, San Diego, or Yosemite National Park.

As a family, we did get to go to Disneyland once, after mom did enough pressuring on dad, and we did get to go to Magic Mountain once as a family.  One Memorial Day weekend, we did wind our way up to Carmel and Monterey.  We went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and Cannery Row.  We did get to go on the Queen Mary (only because I had a math competition on the boat), and my mom, dad, and sister saw the Spruce Goose when it was in Long Beach.

Through Scouting and school, I did get to go to Disneyland one more time (for graduation), Magic Mountain twice more (Scouts and Physics Day), Sequoia/Kings Canyon National Park (Scouting), Dodger Stadium to see my first professional sports game (school), and Monterey (for Spanish Club).  But, it was my father who told me not to trust anyone in life, and then steals my scholarship money, and blackmails me for another 4 years of my life during college. 

The reason I had SA for the first twelve years of the disease was because of an overactive imagination, and the reason I have had SA for the last seventeen years was because of my father.

During my move from California to Missouri, at one point, we were 45 miles from the Grand Canyon.  I asked dad if we could go see it.  My dad said "No, it's just a hole in the ground".  He used the same excuse when were two miles from the Meteor Crater in Arizona.  My dad's philosophy was that if he had experienced it, he didn't want to go back.

Father's Day weekend always elicits memories of Day 1999.  I was in Phoenix, Arizona working out of our Phoenix office working on a project for the City of Phoenix.  I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do on Father's Day, and I had the idea to take a train ride from Williams up to the Grand Canyon, and spend the day at the Grand Canyon.  The reaon I wanted to go was that I could call my dad from there and wish him a Happy Father's Day from a place he never took us.  I ended up being sick that Father's Day, so I was not able to go to the Grand Canyon.

The odd thing was that during my professional career, the more success i had, the more angry my dad was.  He didn't like the fact that he had to earn his way to the top, and I just did it with a piece of paper.  He hated the fact that I was living better than he was.  The main reason there was because he was a blue collar man in a blue collar world, where I was a white collar man in a white collar world.

Three pivotal events in his life have improved the relationship between us over the last five years.  Things started to change after the passing of his father in December of 2003.  He realized now he had no more time with his father, so we have spent more time together than in the past.  Second, in 2006, he became Director of Human Resources and Information Technology for a manufacturing company.  He was now in a white collar position.  All of the struggles I would mention to mom and he would laugh and blow them off, he was now experiencing.  He finally got to experience the issues I was experiencing.  Third, during our Fourth of July picnic in 2007, my dad in a conversation stated the reason he didn't know how to relate to me that much because I showed alot of fear growing up.  Considering the way he ruled the household when I was a child, it was a "Duh!" moment.

Now, over the years, I have been places and seen things, some of which I can never do again.  I have seen a sunrise on the Atlantic Ocean, witnessed up close the beauty and majesty of Niagara Falls, climbed 14,110 foot Pikes Peak, walked across the Royal Gorge Bridge, seen the tallest peak in North America, Denali.  I got to take a private tour of the US Air Force Academy, and I got to go "inside the mountain" by visiting the NORAD base at Cheyenne Mountain.

One of the things I think about is when I have kids, I want to be a father who is always there for them, and I want to go places and do things with them, and be the father that I never had.

That is what Father's Day means to me.

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