After joining Meetup.com last month I didn't have much time in my hectic schedule to do anything with the group.  I had impulses maybe obsessive at times at what great conversations I'll have with this group.  In recently attending a PreCal class, I've met a group of friendlies who at times can be loud b/c they enjoy each other's company and joke a lot. 

I'm not great at joking b/c I was teased and bullied as a child and throughout high school.  Joking takes practice, I know, but I think it has to do with people pleasing and "trying hard" to make friends or agreeing right away with what they say so to fit in.  I don't want to do that anymore to have my self-esteem peel away, give into anger, and have my anxiety increase.  All I want to do is enjoy myself while I have fun and they have fun.

Meetup had something cool going on today, Friday, called "Open Mic Night" at a popular cafe in Mt. Airy.  I decided to text message the group (mainly acquaintences except for one guy who we are good friends).  They messaged back saying they would love to join me.  I got excited!!  I hardly ever invited anyone to somewhere.  Thing is, I know they think of me and want to get to know me.  With the anxiety all these years and the mental abuse by my parents, I was hardly comfortable opening up and getting to know these ppl.  I do have a trust issue.  I don't exactly have an emotional stability with my family, coming from a traditional Asian family who is rigid with emotions.  I try not to say too much too quickly, best to be myself and not someone else.

There will be five of us going. Four in one car. One girl drives ridiculously insane LOOOL, I mean she is from PA.  I was in her car one day and she went 60 mph in a 35 mph zone. Said she got ticketed once there haha no doubt. We will be at the cafe in less than 30 mins if she going 85 in a 65 zone.

What Meetup does in my town is there will be several strangers going, we meet and greet in the same table. Get to know each other, introduce, start conversation to get rollin.  I used to be uncomfortable with introductions but I don't now, lol, depending who starts hehehe.  This is my first meetup, so I'm excited to meet and hang out.  I'm not shy about letting ppl know I have anxiety or nervousness.  Once they know, they can go ahead and ask me questions and there is a chance they want to help me.

Open mic, coffee or choice of beverage, later afterwards, maybe a beer and shoot pool across the street. 

Then on Sat, I see the same group again for someone's birthday.  Since I barely know him and don't want to please anyone, I got him a .99 cent card and 1.95 men's pomade (was 8 bucks) wrapped up.  LoL, I actually don't know what gifts to buy men.  He might already have enough hair stuff haha!!

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First time seeing Snoop Dogg in concert.  He was awesome!!! He's funny too.  He sang the crowd's favorites off his 90s albums and "Sensual Seduction" for the ladies, haha!!  I didn't have much anxiety so I danced my pants off, booging my booty loool and filming it in one hand.  Some ppl passed me in the row and I hardly noticed them because I was soo excited to watch Snoop Dogg.  I wished the dancers came out to do their thang on this song, but I guess they were blocked off by a man in a suit in this warm weather.

The other band which is my all-time favorite and seeing them for the 3rd time is 311.  They changed their background with three digital TVs with colors flying up and down the screen.  A little different scenery than last time.  My last concert with them was no background of such.  It's looking a little bit like the Muse concert with the special effects going on.  My boyfriend, his brother, and I were hoping they play different songs this time than all the crowd favorites.  They did a few which were good.  We danced our pants off.  My bf had anxiety the last time and didn't jump with me.  This time he did and he did his own boogying loool, finally get to see him shake his boot-tay and move his arms and sing along.  He even put his arms up, punch and devil fingers wooohooo.  He later told me some guys next to him were drinking and were laughing at him, at the way he danced.  He's not sure if he heard them tho.  I didn't know and I said to him, that I was going to switch places with him last night.  Siggh, don't you just hate when ppl judge you for the way you dance?  Or the way you look?  Frankly, I wouldn't give a damn what they think if I was already having an awesome time.  My bf said he had an awesome time as well, and didn't care what those A-Holes think because they weren't dancing.  In fact, they and a couple in our end were the only ones not dancing.  So haha to them.  Everyone else around us were dancing and singing along, that's the spirit!!! 

Put those devil fingers up, shout, and mean it!! 

Clap and shout woohoo again!

We did an encore with the crowd...drumming the seats lool...stomping...ahhhhh 311 came back with three more songs.  More boogying!!

Next week, we plan on hitting the Virgin Festival in Baltimore.  That should be big...we won't care about how pricey it is to go...we just enjoy having fun and not caring what ppl think of us when we're there.  *shake that ____* haha

Alright, bob your heads to Paramore err Jack Johnson...signing off

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I've joined two large social groups in the metro area.  Most of these functions are at the bar, my least favorite place to hang.  Some are sit-downs and many are interests i.e. rock climbing, knitting, fishing, scrapbooking, etc.  I heard of Meetup years ago and I wanted to join before but back then they charged a fee.  I want to meet new people and what I hope to gain is a friend or two.  I want to slowly meet a new friend and not rush into a friendship with drama, like I had dramatic friends in the past.  I don't want to drawn myself to negativity when I'm there b/c I could attract those with negativity.  I will continue to be positive and have a positive self-image.  I believe in goodness and that friends are attracted to a person with a positive self-image. 

I am looking forward to a function or two before the end of this month and the next.  What I would love to try right now is fishing.  Fly fishing.  I actually have some of the equipment but I add a cheap rod in from ebay.  There are two groups I found: Northern VA Trout Fishing Group and Outdoor Adventurists.  I wish there was one nearby in Frederick.  I guess I'll do some serious driving... Maybe someday I'll muster up the will to start a fishing group here.  I also want to try rock climbing, rafting, rowing this summer.  I enjoy water sports even if I can't swim!! LoL!!

On Meetup, I found many groups all over the U.S. and outside. It's cool!!  I know I will be shy for the most part and I'm not shy to mention this to the Frederick Nite Life group.  I mentioned in my profile that I may be quiet and shy at first...I forgot to say consecutively haha!!  I know the people might still see me as normal even if I'm quiet. I'm going to try to not let that bother me or hold me back from having fun.  Let myself shine thee!!

If I had the time, I would join a few groups in Annapolis, Baltimore, D.C., Columbia, Seattle, WA (hometown), northern VA, Gettysburg...to name a few.  Definitely the first four since they're about an hour or two hours from here.

Nothing is impossible if I don't try.  Even if I was rejected or made fun of, I would keep trucking up that hill till I get what I wanted. If I get frustrated, teeth seething, I keep going at it till SA is defeated.  I don't want to take life so seriously.  It's in good fun and I hope to not lose sight of it no matter what happens.  Forget the obsessions!  

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I was thinking of a title to this entry.  I think being good-looking has its pros & cons:

I've gotten all kinds of compliments all my life that they have eroded my self-esteem & self-image. Like if looks can kill...I've been told I sound and act like a snob b/c I'm quiet.

It's hard for me to see myself as beautiful.  I can see myself as sexy, empowering, intelligent, cool, qualities that make up who I am and perceive them as beautiful.  Majority of the time people don't see that.  They see my chest, my hair, my eyes, skin, clothes, shoes, then they might hear my voice. 

The media and our society determines how people should be portrayed.  I feel like an object, a statue, a puppet for someone to poke fun at, or showered with compliments. 

Should a good-lookin' be with a good-lookin'?  Should a beaut be with another beaut?  Seems that way in Hollywood, the tabloids, & every time we see good-lookin couples.  

I can say it does not matter who we be with, beauty or no beauty.  I feel normal being with a normal guy. I don't want any of the stigma attached, I mean any of the drama like that in Hollywood.  I grew up in Seattle, WA, a much larger city than Frederick, MD.  Now that I live in the country, I can be myself without acting superficial.  I don't need to buy any more sh*t to make myself look beautiful. 

I been with a guy from SAF for five years.  He and I have issues with low self-esteem.  We have changed a little of our self-image.  He, too, is good-lookin but he doesn't see himself as one.  He keep thinking he's ugly.  He's had too many comments on his appearance from bullies that he has a hard time believing me.  Even his family has picked on him.  This is a f*ckin sad world all about appearance.  It's freakin rubbish!

It's too bad that normal people are beautiful. Normal people include those with anxiety are perceived as normal by many people. Even if we feel anxiety that others don't notice, they still perceive us as normal. If one has the ability to cook, play an instrument, is funny, is intelligent, talented, these qualities are perceived as attractive.  These qualities should surpass the looks.  I find that looks should be a smidgen next to nothing!

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