I wrote this in my journal last night:

30 August 2008  Samstag

One year and ninety-eight pages later… I have learned and become so much more than I was before.

One year ago, I was on an euphoric high, grateful to the friends who had rescued me when I needed it most. This year, I am pensive, reflective, sadder, older, wiser. But nothing has become easier.

I have put down roots in Cincinnati, only to have to leave it again. I have made friends in Wolfenbüttel, only to have us leave each other in the end. One year later, I have tried to pay the love I have felt forward. I hope I have succeeded in some small way. People have been there for me when I needed them to be. I am so grateful. Love is what’s important. People are what’s important. Our common humanity unites us more than our petty differences divide us.

Maybe I have not kept in touch with the people who saved me last year in Marburg. Maybe I have become closer to some of the ones in Cincinnati. Maybe I have met new people in Cincinnati who have become wonderful friends. Maybe I have found wonderful friends in Wolfenbüttel. Yes. This is all true.

Again, I was cynical and bitter. I have many friends who care about me in many places. But my life is a solitary one. There is too much distance. And I was hung up on the idea that I could never be good enough for anyone. If Jason could leave me for someone with so many problems, then I must be much worse, right? Plus, I could see how some people were interested in only superficial, physical aspects. And I am lacking. In my opinion, at least.

Then, I met someone who helped show me another perspective. We meet people, who pass out of our lives, and we have only our memories of our brief friendship and the life lessons they have taught us.

When I first saw him in the Lesesaal, he took my breath away. I emailed my mom and told her that I had just seen the most attractive guy I had ever seen in my life. I could only watch him, awestruck. He was watching me too. He admitted it later. I noticed. I emailed my mom and told her that I kept looking up and he’d be staring at me. I wanted to get to know him. Once, we were leaving at the same time – in the Zeughaus, by the lockers. He said, “Tschüß.” I managed to whisper it back. I was transfixed by his eyes. I couldn’t speak.

And then he came to Stammtisch and I got to sit next to him and speak with him. And I found out he’s getting married on September 13^th. And they’ve been together for twelve years. And he has a son. And my heart sank. And I resolved that I wasn’t going to think about it anymore. So we became friends.

Then, there was another Stammtisch and we were the last to leave. He was easy to talk to. And we went to dinner the next day. And there was Judit’s Abschiedsparty the day after that, and we watched an eclipse and spoke with Agnes. Agnes is the Anna to his Gökmen. The comparison is a fair one. The situation is so similar to a year ago. Gökmen also got married in September. All of the good men are taken. He and Agnes and I went to the Indian restaurant the day after that. I saw a lot of him. I cherished every minute.

We went to Stammtisch on Wednesday the next week instead of Thursday. We also went to dinner again some day before that, Tuesday maybe. Wednesday was St. Stephen’s Day, so a big day for Agnes. We stayed out until 4:00 a.m. I couldn’t walk home. He helped me back to Feierabendhaus. A nice guy. I didn’t see him the next day. I think we all suffered from being out so late. We had coffee in the cafeteria and then went to dinner on Friday.

Last Sunday, he and I hiked up a mountain, the highest point in Germany that isn’t in the Alps. He and I spent the day together. He’s easy to talk to.

On Monday, we made arrangements to go shopping on Tuesday. The library was closed and so I had my birthday party that day instead of Thursday (my actual birthday.) He drove us to the supermarket. We settled into a routine. It felt so familiar and comfortable to just push a shopping cart around a store with him. We are both used to grocery shopping with other people. It’s sad, but I miss that kind of domesticity. Then we came back to my room and he watched me make hummus. Then I had a party.

It was a good party, a fun party. We went through a bottle of Jack. He bought me a cake, with candles. It tasted like Starbucks iced lemon loaf. He and I had settled into a dynamic. We had moved into the friend zone, but it was a close friendship, a comfortable one.

And Wednesday, we were back in the Lesesaal. He came to lunch. He walked back to Feierabendhaus with us after the Zeughaus closed to get his car. He had had to walk home Tuesday night.

Thursday was my birthday and Nick’s last day. Stefan and I went to dinner and then to Stammtisch. Without Nick there, it ended early. Stefan and I came back to Feierabendhaus and drank a bottle of wine on the veranda until 4:00 a.m. Again, he’s so easy to talk to.

And he left yesterday. I will miss him. We spent time in the cafeteria trying to load the Grimm’s dictionary onto my computer. We kept getting an error message. Then he brought me his printer, because he couldn’t take it with him, and we bought cakes for coffee, since it was his last day. Then he left around 5:00 p.m. He also gives good hugs.

I will miss him. I have never met anyone like him. Andrew said Stefan and I had a bond that is rare and hard to find. I thought I was fine until he said that. No one (Andrew, Eva, Todd) believed that nothing happened between us. Nothing happened between us. I love him deeply though. Very deeply. I wish him only the best.

He has shown me so much. He has shown me that there can be a man who takes my breath away. He has shown me that there are deeper and more complex layers of feelings for people than I had previously imagined. He has given me a close friendship, a bond, as Andrew said, when I needed one – to rid me of my newly reemerging cynicism.

But mostly, he showed me how hard it must have been for Jason and I have learned a lesson in forgiveness and have lost some of the anger I was harboring against Jason. But Stefan also showed me that I am a better person than Jason, a stronger one, a moral one, because no matter what I struggled with inside, I did not pursue him like Amanda did Jason. I did not try to destroy a family and a little baby’s life, like Jason did.

But other people saw that we had a bond of some sort, and I felt one. Andrew said it was obvious that Stefan felt one too. That is good to know. I will miss him.

And I will see him again on Thursday in Berlin and possibly in December when I leave. But otherwise it’s the same. I’ll never see him again. I’ll never speak to him again. We live too far apart. I find these friendships with wonderful men – always men, I don’t know why – with Gökmen, with Martins, with Stefan, with Brian from high school, and our contact is now nil or few and far between. And when it is, it’s only because of Facebook and Stefan doesn’t have one, so we will lose touch, even though we had a brief bond here in Wolfenbüttel. And I love him with my whole soul, if I have one.

One year ago, I said that I didn’t know why people came into your life right when you needed them most, but that I would not question it; I would accept it. Well, $&#^% that. Now I question it. Why is it always so brief?

But I believe now that I am ready for more.

Have a nice day,

Kelly :)

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So my professor friend is trying to set me up with some guy he knows.

I do not want this. I do not want to be set up with anyone. I'm a bit jaded right now and am actually enjoying being alone.

In the past few days I have seen the Sex and the City movie and 27 Dresses. These are stupid, silly fluff movies, but I actually did learn something from them: I physically CAN'T do it again. I just can't. I don't even want to. Like all romances, there's a point in both movies where the guy does something stupid and the woman gets angry and leaves his sorry ass. The guy, of course, begs and pleads and she ultimately forgives him and takes his sorry @$$ back.

This last part is what I find to be completely unrealistic. I was incredulous when the person (no spoiler, I hope!) took the guy back. Really? You just jumped right back into the relationship without fixing the original problem. You think that's going to make you live happily ever after? Happily ever after doesn't exist. Wait until it's 8.5 years later and the jackass decides that all of the things you're good at and all of your positive qualities are really what make you a horrible person and throws back every one of your successes back in your face, but spun as failures. Then he'll steal your cat, because he feels entitled to her, since you made him completely miserable for seven years and he deserves her. Men are fickle bastards. Nothing is forever. It's the harsh truth. Don't be so naive to think that it's going to change. It will NEVER change.

So anyway, I don't want to go out with this guy. I now know what the phrase "emotionally unavailable" means. You want me to actually care about someone else and put up with all of their stupid shit? Well, sorry, I don't have the patience to jump right back in and deal with all the petty bullshit that comes along with dating. It's too much. And I just don't have time to care. It may seem cruel and heartless to some, but that's just the way it is.

But my prof-friend was persistent. Plus, he was in the grad student office, which was full of other grad students. So they all ganged up on me and badgered me until I agreed to have the guy email me. The whole "I'm leaving in two weeks" excuse wouldn't work either, because the guy is a flight attendant who flies from Cincinnati to Frankfurt all the time. The whole "Frankfurt is nowhere near Wolfenbüttel" excuse didn't work either, because they wouldn't hear it. The whole "He's a flight attendant so that means he's shorter than me" excuse didn't work, because they told me to stop being petty and that lots of people were shorter than my giant-ass body. The whole "But I don't want to" excuse didn't work, because they're persistent bastards, all of them.

I'm so annoyed right now.

Have a nice day,
Kelly :)

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I love getting drunk on Monday nights. I need to do it more often.

The only downside is that last night two of my friends basically told me that I needed to stop being so negative towards myself. Then I felt bad and started crying. Stupid alcohol. I got hugs out of it though.

The upside was that I now have pictures and video of myself that will never see the light of day.

Have a nice day,

Kelly :) 

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http://cincinnati.craigslist.org/mis/638589886.html

My friend, BoyKelly, found this on Craigslist. There are four female Euro Civ TAs: Me, my friend Michelle, Stacey, and Rachael. Stacey and Rachael are both married. But maybe the poster didn't notice that.

Truthfully, it can't be me. My prof makes me sit in the back and watch people. Someone couldn't stare at me in class, since they all sit in front of me. I would notice them starting too, and I haven't seen that.

I hope it's Michelle. She's going through a rough patch with her fiance who is now back to being just her boyfriend. (She also had him move out.) She could use a confidence boost.

With our luck, it's probably Stacey. She's kind of annoying.

Still, wouldn't it be cool to have a secret admirer? Typos, run-on sentence, and all! ;)

Have a nice day,
Kelly :)

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I swear I'm not making this up.

Last night, my friend, Evan, had friends of hers come in from out of town and they wanted to go to a gay club. I stressed out about it all day, ended up taking some Xanax, and went out DANCING of all things.

The club itself was beyond fabulous. I saw my first ever drag show and it was pretty awesome. It was also really funny. The announcer had a stand-up comic act. And the costumes were amazing.

So, anyway, the Xanax combined with some alcohol helped quite a bit and after the show, I did successfully end up dancing - probably not well, but I still did it nonetheless.

Of course, today I'm absolutely mortified. *hides from world*

Have a nice day,
Kelly :)

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Sometimes it seems like no matter how much you grow as a person, the way you interact with members of your family never changes.

My brother was the baby of the family and has always gotten whatever he's wanted. Anything that I had to fight to get, by the time he got to that point in his life (and he's only 15 months younger than me), my parents had either realized that it was no big deal, or they just didn't want to fight over it again. Plus, there were still a whole host of things he was allowed to do that I never was.

So, he's used to getting his way and can't really fathom a world where he doesn't get it.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, but sometimes he gets in these moods where he acts like a spoiled little brat. I should have known there would be problems this evening when I asked him for a piece of paper that was lying not one foot away from him and I was on the other end of the room. He told me that if I wanted it, I should get up and get it myself. I let is slide.

Then he and his girlfriend wanted to watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I asked if we could not watch that, since the two of them and my mom have already seen it and I hate those damn Chipmunks. I said that I brought Arrested Development on DVD and we should watch that. My mom had seen a few episodes and thought it was funny. He just said he didn't want to and continued flipping channels, finally settling on some 80s movie we'd all seen years ago. We started watching that. I thought, "Okay, a compromise."

At one point, I got up to get a glass of water. When I came back, he'd put the Chipmunk DVD in the player and started watching it. I told him that I didn't want to see it and that we should watch Arrested Development because I really thought he'd think it was funny.

Now, at this point, I feel silly for relating all of this, but at that point, I honestly thought we were having a normal conversation about what to watch, as families do.

Anyway, after my comment, he got really angry, went on a tirade, including calling me a "bitch" which was really uncalled for. I wasn't angry or annoyed up until that point. I told him that if he thought me complaining about a movie was bad, then he should keep it up, because I could really make his life difficult.

He got mad, got up, said he was leaving. His girlfriend got up and followed him out of the room. As he was leaving, he was complaining to our mom about how my complaining about the movie was annoying him and that all I ever did was annoy him. I heard my mom say, "You're both being immature and you need to watch how you're talking to me [her] because I won't stand for it." At which point he and his girlfriend left.

And this is all so perfectly silly, but it's just another example of how my brother can't cope when he doesn't get what he wants. It's the same fight we've had with each other our entire lives, except now we're 30 and 29 years old and you'd think we *would* act a little more maturely. But, I mean, really, why would you insist on forcing someone who didn't want to watch a movie that you'd already seen to watch that movie - especially if you own that movie on DVD and can watch it whenever you want?

But my brother has never been able to understand compromise. And I'm sick of dealing with people who see compromise as losing. Especially over something so trivial. I mean, who the $&#^% cares?

In any case, I would like to now reiterate the fact that I love that I normally live 250 miles away from this place.

Have a nice day,

Kelly :)

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I am sick of wanting things in this world that I can't have.

Certainly, I already have enough and don't need anymore. Anything else is mere selfishness.

That is all.

*sigh*

Have a nice day,

Kelly :)

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Sometimes I don't know why I agree to do things. They seem like good ideas at the time and I get all excited. It's not until later that I realize it was probably a stupid idea and I should just stay home in bed.

Yes, I'm overreacting. Yes, this is because I have SA.

I'm the type of idiot who thinks, "Oh, I have a problem with SA? So what. I've got things I need to do." I should know by now not to be surprised when SA rears its ugly head after something like that.

So the prof I work for is going to be out of town until Thursday on a job interview. The idiot that I am agreed to do the lectures on Monday and Wednesday not just for my 9:00 a.m. section, but for the noon section as well. So that means I have to give two lectures TWICE. I have to find 100 minutes worth of stuff and then say it.

I'm not worried about the saying it. I'm not worried about actually standing up in from of a class of over 100 students. I'm not worried about getting the information wrong. It's on the Scientific Revolution. My dissertation is on the SR. I know the information.

Here's what I'm worried about:

1) Being boring. I don't want to be boring.

2) Having too much dense information. I can't help it. The SR is a dense field with lots of names and discoveries. I took out as many technical terms as I could. It's hard not making it sound like a list of names and discoveries though.

3) Not saying enough - finishing in half an hour or something. Talking too quickly, having the students not be able to follow me.

4) Having the students think I'm a stupid idiot who can't lecture and that they wasted their time by coming to class that day.

5) Making them think something as interesting as the SR is boring.

6) Not being able to get the equipment like the projector or the power point presentation to work in the classrooms and having to stand up there like a dork trying to figure it out. 

I've been writing the damn lecture all day. My prof wants power point presentations. I hate power point. Plus, he only ever has, like, six or seven slides. I've got fifteen and I think I want to add another one. I can't help it. There's a lot of info and I wanted to break it up. Plus, I still want to go through and find some pictures.

I haven't even given a practice run to my cat yet. If this lecture is only half an hour long and I'm only halfway done, I don't know what I'm going to do.

I still have to write Wednesday's lecture too. Monday's lecture is on: Discoveries, Causes, and Effects of the SR. Wednesday's is on the Trial of Galileo, Weird Stuff, and the Accessibility and Nature of Science. I want to lead into the Enlightenment, because that's what my prof is doing next week.

Ugh. Does anyone have any tips? Am I forgetting something? I've only got 11 hours to go. Ugh.

Have a nice day,
Kelly :)

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I just got a fellowship! I'm going to Germany for six months!!!!!

Have a nice day,
Kelly :)

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