You ever get the feeling that for whatever reason, everyone hates you? It's like I've got to try harder than everyone else in the whole world to get people to notice me. I'm nice, I say hi to people; so why is it that everyone is always telling me I'm moody? No one ELSE smiles constantly, and nobody gives THEM a hard time? Can someone tell me why the world is against me? Can someone tell me why it's okay for everyone else to be neutral, but when I do it I'm always moody? Not moody, but always moody?

It reinforces that fear-- you're scared to talk to anyone and your defenses are up (is anyone else CONSTANTLY on the defense?) and they go and say "What's wrong with you? Why are you ALWAYS moody!?" Sometimes I want to scream at them. I want to say "What do you bloody THINK is wrong? Your face is! SOR-RRIE I'm not allowed to be less than sun shiny perfect or I'm MOODY.

What are you suppose to do when you're happy and everyone STILL accuses you of being sassy? What is WRONG that everyone is ALWAYS on my case? Can't they see all they do is make it worse? I can't be happy to see people that just put me down.

So who else makes GREAT first impressions, and that's all? I can get people to like me easily, and then after that is when the fear settles in. It's like... god, once they get to know me they're going to find out how WEIRD and UNLIKEABLE and NOT HUMAN I am. They'll find me BORING and they'll think BAD THINGS and just want to GET AWAY.

Why am I so miserable? Why do I cry from lonliness and just want to connect to someone, but when I do it, I feel like I'm NOT WORTHY?

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I ask myself this too many times. What is wrong with me? I wish someone could answer that, and even more than that I wish it were a simple fix. You crave sugar, you eat a damn cookie. Problem solved... why can't it be that simple???

I'm approaching my 23rd birthday, and all I can think is how I am relationshipless still. It's not that I even want to be in a relationship (I DONT actually) so much as I wish I had the option. I don't so much long to be out with friends so much as I wish I could make them if I DID want them. And then part of me wonders a little bit if the reasons I don't want them are because I can already feel how uncomfortable I would be around them. I crave people's company, and yet depise it when I have it. All I can think about is a way out, and when I'm out all I can think about is how I can't get in.

*le sigheth* 

 I wish I could figure out if I simply DON'T fit in, if I really CAN'T connect, or if it is really all just SA. Another part of me wonders if I have a lack of confidence because of the SA or if I have SA because I lack confidence. It's so the chicken and the friggen egg. Which comes first? Which is a reaction of the other and does anyone have a simple answer?

I noticed most of my anxiety stems from not wanting people to look at me-- from feeling too fat and too ugly. I feel like if I could hide in a turtle shell I'd be just fine. I had feeling fricken JUDGED all the time, and come on... at this age you KNOW your peers are still judging you. I guess I wish I could like myself more, but I have no idea where to begin. I wish I could find people that have all my interests, but I don't even know where to look. I'm a writer... writers don't LEAVE THE HOUSE. How will I ever FIND them?

I need a nice coffee drinking, poetry writing, anti-social emo boy, I think.

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I'm not sure what "normal" people put in their blogs, but right now I need a safe place to vent.

I don't know if it's from the SA or what it is, but sometimes I just get in these moods where all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs because I feel so ######## helpless. I feel it bubbling in my blood, just beneath the surface of my skin; but I can't let it out because then I'd be interrogated and possibly even committed. I have absolutely no control over anything in my life or even myself in general. I'm controlled, every ######## action, by my SA. It's like being locked in chains that no one has the key to, and the chains are so sort I'm tied against a damn wall. I want more than anything to break free, but I don't know how, and I can't because the force is just so powerful that I can't break through. And all I want is to connect, to just one person. I'm not asking for a bunch of friends, I just want that special person I can be myself with and not have it overruled by this annoying urge to hide inside a ######## turtle shell.

I guess I'm lucky, in a way... my sister and I are so close. We're like... "The color purple" close. And it's great... but she has her own family now... kids, a husband. I hate feeling so ######## alone all the time. I hate craving and needing a connection so badly... I worry the day will come when I'm alone completely... when I die without ever having that love I ache for.

Most of the time I'm okay; I tell myself that it's all gonna be alright, that I don't need that companionship, but it's a ######## lie. What I want more than anything is a relationship of the romantic kind, with a best-friends type of friendship rolled in. I'm asking too much... I'm wanting too badly, because things like that don't happen to people like me; cursed people... alone people, and I wonder if there's a reason why we were chosen to walk this life alone, always longing to reach out but never finding a hand to hold.

I had my chance, I suppose; maybe I'm too picky. But I won't settle. I won't attach to just anyone... just because it's my "only chance". It has to be real, it has to be right.

But what if right isn't out there? What if there's only "okay". What if it's only "This could work, with some trying"? What if there isn't anyone out there reaching out for my hand, too; trying to find me in a faceless crowd of cheaters and liars and people that just don't know how to use their heart. What if I never have the "I've been waiting for you my whole life" moment? Would it have been worth waiting for if it never existed? Is it better to dream forever or better to settle for what can be "covenient" and "work out"?

I wish I had a special sort of voice, sometimes; one where I could shout as loud as a possible could and no one could hear it except others "like me", so I could find them better; so they could shout back and I could know in times like these that there's someone out there just like me... lonely just like I am, and then maybe the world wouldn't feel quite so empty anymore. Maybe the tear in my heart wouldn't burn.

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